Seize Ivy League Dorms and Give Them to Immigrant Families

Branford College residence, Yale University.

By John Zmirak Published on June 19, 2018

Earlier this week, I addressed the national hissy fit over separating children from adults who claim to be their parents at U.S. borders. I noted what happened before the U.S. started doing that. Under Obama, we unwittingly handed thousands of children to slave labor operators or sex traffickers. Because they claimed to be their parents. Even Obama felt constrained to stop doing that. He put in place the policy which Trump is now enforcing.

Bush-era laws and crackpot court decisions won’t let the government hold children with their parents while we evaluate their asylum claims. That leaves the Trump administration two ugly choices:

  • Enforce the current policy, and temporarily separate children in safe facilities, apart from adults who claim them. (Both parents and human traffickers.) Keep the kids safe till the parents’ mostly groundless asylum applications can be processed. Then everyone goes home, together.
  • Give everyone who shows up at the border a live-in-America-free card. Turn them all lose, lest Laura Bush, Catholic bishops, and Planned Parenthood throw another public tantrum about how the U.S. is Nazi Germany or something.

Ted Cruz has offered a sensible legislative solution. It defuses the manufactured “crisis” without erasing U.S. borders. Count on Democrats to try to kill it. Since they’re a little too old for Planned Parenthood to dismember and sell in Styrofoam coolers, those little brown kids serve as ideal human shields for open borders policies.


Calliope Court, Branford College, Wikimedia

So let me offer another idea. I’m not sure of the legal or legislative steps it would require. I leave that to the policy wonks. But I think my proposal, while modest, would offer more long-term solutions than anything else on offer. Therefore I’ll lay it out here, in broad but descriptive strokes.

Finding Middle Ground

Since the law won’t let us hold children more than 10 days, and the squealing elites won’t let us separate them from the adults who claim to be their parents, we need a sane compromise. One that:

  • Respects our national sovereignty and the rule of law.
  • Keeps families together.
  • Lets our bishops go back to attending George Soros’ conferences. And
  • Most important of all, heals Laura Bush’s broken heart. Hasn’t that woman suffered enough?

My plan shifts the cost of this complex policy where it really belongs. It offers the people who clamor the loudest for illegal immigration (and profit from it more than most) the chance to also absorb its costs. In the words of Nicholas Nassim Taleb, we offer them the privilege of having some “skin in the game.”

Employ Eminent Domain to Seize the Dormitories of America’s Elite Colleges to House Immigrant Families

Yes, Harvard and Yale of course. In fact, all the Ivies. (Yes, Cornell counts.) Also Brandeis, Stanford, Duke and even those state universities that flirt with “elite” status, such as UNC and UVA. Out of respect for Catholic bishops’ firm stance on these issues, major Catholic schools should also take part, such as Georgetown and DePaul University.

At each of these schools the comfortable, often lavish dormitories currently inhabited by students should be filled with migrant families. Students, for their part, will reside in tent cities constructed by the Army Corps of Engineers.

What’s the point of this plan? It’s simple. We can’t hold the immigrants against their will and together with children at the same time. So we’ll have to pick places where they will want to stay. Where they are likely to want to stick around for the weeks or months it takes for us to hear their asylum claims. What better lure to stay than the exquisite living conditions I once enjoyed? (See main photo.)

Fill the Lavish Dorms with Migrant Families, and House Students in Tent Cities

I think I know these immigrants will feel upon arrival. I grew up in a roach-infested tenement, without air conditioning, elevators, or reliable heat and hot water. Five of us crammed in to a two-bedroom apartment. (In other words, our conditions were worse than migrant families face in temporary detention.)

As the students sweat, then freeze, in the Army tents, they will learn some valuable lessons. Toughness, for one, akin to that once shown by the past generations of students whose names are carved on the walls, since they died in our nations’ wars.

When I showed up at Yale’s Branford College, to see the oak-paneled rooms with stained glass windows and functional fireplaces, I thought I’d died and gone to heaven. Or at least married into some royal family. You couldn’t have chased me out of there with a pack of wild dogs. Migrant families should occupy these lavish, historic lodgings, and eat in the glorious Gothic dining hall, with sixty-foot carved ceilings and iron candelabras. Their meals can be served, of course, by students.

As the students sweat, then freeze, in the Army tents, they will learn some valuable lessons. Toughness, for one, akin to that once shown by the past generations of students whose names are carved on the walls, since they died in our nations’ wars. (Few Ivy students will make that mistake ever again.)

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More importantly, they can share the pain that illegal immigration inflicts on the rest of the country. Up till now, poor things, the only impact they saw was the presence of low-cost nannies, exotic food trucks, and healthy quarterly earnings in Daddy’s investment portfolio. Now they’ll gain a full-spectrum, close-up view of what the rest of America deals with.

I’m hopeful that the Trump administration can resolve all asylum claims before the students have total breakdowns, and attack the immigrants with croquet mallets and badminton rackets.


John Zmirak is a senior editor at The Stream, and co-author of the new book The Politically Incorrect Guide to Immigration

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  • Chip Crawford

    You are needed in Washington

    • Tim H

      Hear! hear!

  • Mitzi Parrish Witt

    O John. You make me chuckle against my will. But good ideas to ponder, you always deliver!

  • mw006

    Easily the most brilliant commentary on this insanely, manufactured crisis.

  • Boris

    Christianity simply could not be anymore anti-intellectual than it already is.

    • MarkJ

      Intellectuals simply could not be anymore anti-intellectual than they already are. But, hey, they keep trying!

      • Boris

        “The essence of Christianity is told us in the Garden of Eden story. The subtext is, All the suffering you have is because you wanted to find out what was going on. ‘You could be in the Garden of Eden if you had just kept your bleeping mouth shut and hadn’t asked any questions… Get smart and I’ll mess you over,’ sayeth the Lord. Is this not an absolutely anti-intellectual religion.” – Frank Zappa

        • Willam Nat

          Frank Zappa is your authority?

          Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

          • Boris

            I’m not an authoritarian. Why are you Bible thumpers so obsessed with authority? It’s interesting to not that Frank Zappa is quite a bit more intelligent than the God you believe in. POOF.

          • Kathy

            Your boldness will quickly disappear (POOF), when it’s your turn to stand before your Maker, Boris.

          • Boris

            You just proved the only reason you and every other Christian believes the stupid things you do. Christianity only appeals to the base human emotion of cowardice. You let OTHER PEOPLE indoctrinate you into the world’s largest cult of stupidity and ignorance with their empty threats. Your threat is as empty as your mind.

          • Kathy

            You really have no idea. A number of us in various posts have been very kind to you by conveying the love and mercy (so undeserved by all of us) that we have experienced from our Creator, wishing it for you as well, but you even bite back on that in exactly the same fashion.

          • Boris

            You have no idea. Your creator is imaginary, it does not exist.

  • Tom Maguire

    A bold, yet modest proposal! Yet I have been reliably assured by our friends on the left that these college dorms (and college campuses generally) are veritable rape factories. This idea might need tweaking.

  • Howard Rosenbaum

    That would certainly be a good thing for the present occupants residing in those ivy league lodgings. Heck, it would provide a setting for some character development . ( Unless they came from a roach infested walk up tenement, that is ) Not only that , but how many credits could be earned by those “pioneers” of outdoor living ? Yeah those ivy leagues could rake in millions from increased tuition charged for say a class in ” Dystopian economics” .
    Hey, what about the lengthy times required presently for these asylum seekers cases to come before a judge ? Well, the universities could capitalize on that as well. Think of all the campus clean up low paying jobs they can “intern” for ..?!
    That is the second most obvious reason the left wants to make this their mantra. The first of course is an issue for the left to run against Trump on ….

  • Gregg

    Great idea! I could also suggest using the empty dorms created at Mizzou by all of the woke protests and capitulations.

  • Ddad99

    I hear that the University of Missouri dorms have plenty of rooms available.

  • malclave

    “Students, for their part, will reside in tent cities constructed by the Army Corps of Engineers”

    I really must take exception with this part.

    There’s no valid reason for this to happen. Instead, issue the students an entrenchment tool and a shelter half each and let them put up the tents themselves. Ask veterans (especially any former D.I.s) to, ummm, “mentor” these precious snowflakes by instructing them how to set up tents and dig latrines. I’m sure many would be eager to get (oops, that was supposed to be “give”… must have been autocorrect) back at such paragons of socially conscious drones.

  • ROLYAT136

    I’m thinking that the “condominium communities” heretofore reserved for “senior citizens” should also be conscripted into this humanitarian effort.

  • Ken Abbott

    Plenty of accommodation space in those university administrative office buildings as well…

  • tz1

    Spain heard you
    At Zerohedge:
    (since the Stream censors any posts with URLs saying they need to be approve but never are, I’ve split it out)

    • Dave6034

      You can’t write parody anymore. No matter what your fictional, straw-man Leftist does or says, real Leftists will soon be doing and saying the same things.

  • Johnny Thorne

    House them in Austin City Hall and let them defecate in the halls. That’s diversity the Democrat Party way.

    • Kevin Carr

      Nancy Pelosi and her husband own a resort hotel, put some of them there. Drop them off in Bel Aire, and Beverly Hills and other exclusive neighborhoods tell them to pick a house they want to live in and cross that border.

  • cymanca

    Absolutely brilliant idea. I endorse it. If we got rid of IVY League schools 90% of the Swamp would vanish.

  • Fabricante

    I actually don’t mind this idea. What I mind is how supposedly “Faithful” Catholics won’t trade the genocide from abortion over immigration. It’s a push for a utopia that won’t happen. I’m saddened by the vitrol that appears on FaceBook by said “faithful” Catholics. If God really didn’t’ want us separated wouldn’t he have made Pangea exist in the present day? I don’t know just trying to make sense of it all. I always try and use both scripture and Tradition to help guide my decisions, and on the one hand you have “Give to Caesars what is Cesar’s” as well as “remember you were once aliens in your own land”. We help a lot of people, an a poor destitute Italian has no less dignity than a poor Salvadoran. Still the Italian has to wait to go through the door. Ask a Pole how they do immigration over there then maybe knowing what they have been through you’ll understand why.

  • Gramma76

    George Washington Univ would be great! Pelosi’s resort would be great! U Mass has lots of spaces in several towns! Northwestern U in Chicago. UC in many cities. NY Univ has space!
    Or send them all back and tell them to fix their own countries!! They bring diseases we erased and crime with them.

    • Mara319

      Don’t forget UC Berkeley.

  • AudreyA

    Another option is to encourage the free and sovereign nations within our borders–that’s the tribes–to take them in. It’s already circulating on Facebook as an alternative to letting the US federal government do the job. I think it’s a great idea, since for some bizarre reason the majority of native activists are ardent leftists–no matter how it works out, the media will let support them. (never understood that leftism myself–they’ve experienced decades of mostly-awful federally run housing, schools, medical clinics, and they want the US government to take over more??)

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