Oh Stewardess, I Speak Woke

By John Zmirak Published on October 18, 2021

Want to really appreciate how thoroughly the Priests of Baal have evangelized our country and our culture to a new, false religion (Wokeness, or Calvinism-without-Christ)? Then you need to look back at comedy. Especially of the late 1970s and the 80s. That was a time when traditional mores and strictures had long been fading, but the new cult of aggressive, punitive victimhood hadn’t yet risen. The result was raucous, raw, profane, and hilarious. Think Blazing Saddles, Animal House, Caddyshack, Kentucky Fried Movie, and best of all, Airplane.

All that couldn’t last. And maybe it shouldn’t have. Everybody’s Id was showing. The Sexual Revolution, Watergate, and our failure in Vietnam had largely dismantled our old authorities, discredited old taboos, leaving in their place … bupkis. You could say pretty much anything about pretty much anyone, and if it was funny — it flew. Nothing was sacred.

Culture Abhors a Vacuum

And man doesn’t work that way. Abandon the real God, and false ones will come rushing in. Conversely, you can’t restore true worship without discrediting what’s false. That’s why we can’t adapt, or baptize, or otherwise cooperate in any way whatsoever with the new Woke religion. We simply have to crush it. Smash its idols, mock its pieties, take power from its partisans. Act like my dad’s old commander General George Patton rolling through Germany — then marching the solid citizens through their local concentration camps, to see what they’d supported.

The new cult is quite unlike the old Roman pantheon. Rome’s foolish legends arose out of ignorance and had long been discredited by the time the Gospel was preached. The Woke cult is more like Satanism, a new faith created in the broad daylight of Truth, in malicious mockery of it. Or the fantastical Gnostic sects. They took little pieces of Christian doctrine and spun from them elaborate, monstrous fables that blasphemed God’s creation and promised god-like power through secret knowledge.

Don’t Eat the Pagans’ Pigflesh

We shouldn’t engage in the new cult’s sacraments, like the Dead Baby vaccine. Or take part in its superstitions, like the paranoid fear of bodily death. Or respect its taboos restricting humor, free speech, or telling the truth about sexuality. The Woke cult may have sold us on individual compromises in the name of seemingly good things. (Rattle them off: “public health,” “sensitivity,” “social justice” or “compassion.”) But now that we know they were lying, and peddling us poison, we must renounce all that. Let’s spew the food offered to idols out of our mouths, and wash them out with soap.

We must stand firm against the new cult, its strange gods Caesar, Mammon, and Sodom, and the Oligarchy that enforces it. To do that, we must understand its sacred language. We must decode its efforts to highjack the very words we use to think and communicate. We ought to learn what it holds sacred, and mock that into the mud.

To that end, I’d like to offer a glossary of Woke terms and what they really mean. Returning to the subject of the great 1980 comedy Airplane, at a key moment two black characters are trying to communicate to the stewardess. But she can’t understand them. So a helpful passenger steps forward and announces, “I speak Jive.” (Go to 1:00 below.)

I hope that with this primer, the reader can speak Woke. Or at least enough to get by, as some of Patton’s commanders had to master enough German to conquer Germany.

A Woke to English Glossary

 “Justice” = Retribution, payback, pain inflicted on members of one group, on behalf of another — whose ancestors, or distant cousins, suffered pain at the hands of ancestors or distant cousins of the first group.

“Equity” = Instead of strict justice for individuals, rendering each his due, a blanket assumption that different outcomes for aggregates of individuals must be the result of a wicked conspiracy. That conspiracy must be denounced, and its outcomes reversed, using the punitive force of the government, public shaming, and corporate power.

“Marginalized” = Any group that was less powerful or popular in the past than in the present. It can now use its newfound leverage to make escalating, unlimited demands of groups that are now less powerful than they used to be.

“Diversity” = Uniformity of social and political views, in strict accordance with Woke religious orthodoxy, made more visually interesting by the inclusion of token racial and sexual minorities, plus radicalized members of non-Christian religions, and the morbidly obese.

“Ally” = Current or aspiring member of the Oligarchy, who lacks the racial/ethnic/sexual credentials to escape punitive Equity, who buys indulgences for the sins of his ancestors from the Woke Church by backing its power grabs.

“Intersectionality” = A system of discrimination which reallocates power, wealth, privileges, and basic rights, entirely according to racial, sexual, ethnic, or other criteria, in the name of fighting bias.

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“Critical Race Theory” = Marxism in blackface, where workers (who rejected Communism) are replaced by racial and sexual minorities (who also reject Communism) as the supposed beneficiaries of whatever policies the ruling Oligarchy chooses to implement while amassing private wealth and unaccountable power.

“Science” = The opinions of selected experts in various fields, as chosen by the Oligarchy for the political usefulness of their advice at any given moment.

“Misinformation” = The opinions of disfavored experts in those same fields, whose advice does not suit the Oligarchy’s agenda at any given moment.

“Domestic Extremists” = Parents who seek influence over the education of the children temporarily loaned to them by the government for care. Soldiers who practice orthodox Christianity. Demonstrators for medical privacy or election integrity.

“Mostly Peaceful” = A costly, violent riot on behalf of a cause approved by the Oligarchy as part of its program of Anarcho-Tyranny.

“Insurrection” = A mostly peaceful protest on behalf of a disapproved cause, whose violent elements were initiated by infiltrators working for the Oligarchy.

“Racist” = Any policy, position, or person disapproved by the Oligarchy.

“Primary Oppressor” = Straight, white Christians assigned as “male” at birth. See also “Tutsi cockroach.”


John Zmirak is a senior editor at The Stream and author or co-author of ten books, including The Politically Incorrect Guide to Immigration and The Politically Incorrect Guide to Catholicism. He is co-author with Jason Jones of “God, Guns, & the Government.”

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