“I wasn’t just played like a fiddle. I was played like an entire bluegrass band.” 

So said MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow last night, while offering an apology for having pushed the Russia collusion story for two years. In a special Sunday night broadcast of her prime time show, Maddow kicked herself for, in her words, “taking on faith” information she had been given. “I violated my own standard. Find out for yourself. You shouldn’t believe anyone in this business.”

Maddow’s Strong Words

Maddow had strong words for MSNBC contributor John Brennan. The former CIA director has been insisting Trump was guilty of treason and insinuating he had inside knowledge of this very fact. In the wake of the Mueller Report finding zero evidence of collusion or conspiracy, Brennan offered, in Maddow’s words, “a pathetic excuse” that perhaps he had been given bad information.

“Perhaps I was given bad information?! That’s like the captain of the Titanic saying ‘perhaps my navigation was a wee bit off.'” Added Maddow, “We, at this network, relied on the former head of the Central Intelligence Agency. I would have been better off relying on fortune cookies. All told, I am embarrassed. I am humiliated. And I am angry. Very angry.” 

Maddow then turned her attention to President Trump. “Make no mistake. I am no fan of President Trump. But I am even less a fan of government deception. If other government officials, besides Brennan, crafted a a false narrative on Trump’s connection to Russia in order to impact the election or to harm his presidency, then I am all in for a full investigation. Come what may. A full accounting. And those guilty must be brought to justice. Whoever they are.  If not, President Kamala Harris will be facing the same sabotage a few years down the road.”

“Mr. President, I am sorry.  Supporters of President Trump, I am sorry. And to you, viewers of this show, I am so sorry for my part in leading you astray. The good news is tomorrow is a new day, a new chance to get it right.” 

Smollett Smack-Down

A day after comedian Chris Rock’s hysterical verbal smack-down of Jussie Smollett at the NAACP Image Awards, the actor faced even more ridicule from a source closer to home. Chicago-native Oprah Winfrey gave the Empire star a tongue-lashing far worse than what Smollett alleges happened to him that frigid January night, sources told TMZ.

Despite being nominated, Smollett had skipped the awards. However, Winfrey reportedly cornered Smollett in the lounge of the Roosevelt Hotel several hours after the show. It wasn’t pretty.

Said one witness, director Carl Furillo, “Jussie made the mistake of trying to profess his innocence. Oprah went all ‘Sophia’ on him.” A reference to Oprah’s Oscar-nominated firebrand character in The Color Purple. “I thought she was going to pound him to a pulp.”

“I haven’t seen Oprah that livid in years,” agreed a longtime Oprah friend who asked not to be named. “She was calling him a disgrace. Saying he ‘shamed the city.’ Asking him ‘Do you know how much harder you’ve made it for the police and our community?!'”

“And the noose? To use a noose?! To use the suffering of our people as a prop?! You’re stepping on their graves in $400 shoes.”

She Worked Hard

Winfrey then went onto berate Smollett for the damage done to the production of his show, which is shot in Chicago. “You know how hard I worked to bring film and TV projects to Chicago? How many millions it cost me to do my show in Chicago all those years, rather than L.A. or New York just to try and draw business there? Any idea how many people you’re putting out of work if that show takes a dive and gets cancelled over this stupid hoax? I’m so ashamed of you. And I knew your mother. She’d be ashamed too.”

At that point, said Furillo, “Jussie started crying. And Oprah became loving Oprah again.”

“She said, ‘You can make it right, baby. You can always make it right.'”

 

Editor’s Note:  April Fools!!!! But if we let the Russia hoax and the Smollet hoax go without legal repercussions then the joke really is on us.