I Am A Climate Denier

You should be one, too

By William M Briggs Published on November 20, 2017

The latest meeting of the UN to discuss the redistribution of your money because of “climate change” has just concluded.

Here’s one headline generated by the event: “Pope Francis says those who deny climate change have ‘perverse attitudes’“.

The pontiff, during remarks made to negotiators at climate talks in Germany, called climate change “one of the most worrisome phenomena that humanity is facing.” He added efforts to combat climate change are held back by those who deny the science behind it, are indifferent or resigned to it, or think it can be solved by technical solutions.

“We must avoid falling into these four perverse attitudes, which certainly don’t help honest research and sincere, productive dialogue,” he said.

If the Pope’s real intent was to resurrect one of the most useful words in the English language, pervert, piteously massacred in the Sexual Revolution, then I’m right there with him.Stream Satire Logo - 360

But if he meant to imply that there is such a thing as a “climate,” then God bless the man, but I have to disagree.

Admit the denial

I deny the climate. There is no such thing. I am a climate denier. Those who say there is are dupes, propaganda pawns of a worldwide conspiracy. Climate? What “climate”? Climate forsooth!

There has never been a “climate.” It is a lie. Those in the media and bureaucracy who say there is a climate are in the pay of foreign agents. We used to think these agents were Chinese, but it wasn’t until the day Pope Francis spoke that we knew it was Barzini all along. No, wait. I meant the Russians.

The Russians are coming!

Why Vladimir Putin wants to deceive the West into believing there is such as thing as a “climate,” I do not know. Remember, they drink a lot of vodka in Russia.

It’s clear that Putin is behind the scheme, though. He and his minions put Trump into office because Trump blamed the climate hoax on the Chinese and not the Russians. Trump’s blame shifting took the eye off of his Russian masters.

Didn’t we hear on CNN that Vlad was so grateful for this act of loyalty, that his agents poisoned the food at a spirit-cooking dinner attended by Hillary? The poison caused her to lose her balance, focus, and ultimately the Presidency.

Mad scientists

Just think about it. There can be no such thing as a “climate.” How could there be? Just because scientists say there is? Should we believe “scientists” just because they are scientists? What makes scientists so special? That guy in the Town Hall scene in the documentary Young Frankenstein had it right. “All those scientists, they’re all alike,” he said, “They say they’re working for us, but what they really want is to rule the world!”

Don’t listen to scientists! There is no climate. After all, didn’t these same scientists say back in 1970 that this mysterious “climate” — suspiciously a thing that only they can see — would turn against mankind and plunge temperatures everywhere colder and colder?

Turn a cold shoulder

Temperatures were going to be so cold, these scientists assured us — nay, they promised us! Temperatures were going to be so cold that we could have stored our fudgesicles outside without fear of melting. There was going to be worldwide crop failure and mass starvation. Did that happen?

Those of us who invested heavily in thermal underwear stocks, thinking the world would be badly in need of body heat, are still feeling the sting.

Scientists! Ha! Do you want to talk about a lack of humility? Do you want to discuss a complete absence of shame?

Don’t sweat the heat

These same scientists who promised us that the so-called climate would turn as frigid as a feminist’s smile forgot all about their predictions of a new ice age, and started saying the ‘climate’ would catch on fire!

It’s true. They said, “Forget the cold. What’s really going to happen is heat. The world is going to get so hot that ice will be found only in history books.”

The so-called “climate” was going to cause so much heat we could have all tossed out our ovens and roasted our turkeys on the sidewalk. There was going to be worldwide crop failure and mass starvation. Did that happen?

Those of us who own warehouses stocked to the rafters with freon-based personal-coolant propeller-beanie-caps have not forgotten.

Change You Can’t Believe In

Guess what happened next. Go on: guess. These same scientists changed again. they told us that the real concern was not cooling nor heating, but changing.

This “climate” that could only been seen through the lens of government grants was going to “change.” Change was undesirable, they said. We couldn’t allow change. If the climate changed there would be worldwide crop failure and mass starvation.

How would we know if this “climate” changed? The scientists would tell us.

Don’t buy it. Deny it. Be a climate denier.

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  • Paul

    Cute, and eerily accurate. How quickly everyone has forgotten the ice age gloom and doom. And how is that peak oil doomsday working out? This isn’t about science but rather pushing political agendas, namely global govt and wealth redistribution

  • kevin jorgensen

    Sad that you have to wave the satire flag these days to alert people looking for safe spaces and conformist views to avert their gaze.

    • brad tittle

      The problem with waving the satire flag is that it is way to easy to deem it “real”.

      Pointing at the gray area is really damn hard when everyone is figuring out how to interpret it “their” way.

  • kevin jorgensen

    I understand that the earth will spin more slowly in 2018 and that this has been determined by science to be predictor of earthquakes and pending calamity. So in the spirit of the climate changers, I suggest that all drive a Prius or EV, divest of oil stocks (fracking causes earthquakes and must be causing the earth’s rotation to slow) and agree to be taxed at a 99% marginal rate so that government can redistributed (like rebalancing the washing machine tub) wealth across the globe to restore the earth’s spin. It’s amazing how obviously absurd these ideas appear relative to the idea that they can alter the earth’s spin. Yet the same ideas are intuitively obvious to the climate change advocate who calls anyone who questions their efficaciousness for altering climate, a fool and tool of the global greed industry.

    • Paul

      In a world where a man can decide to be a woman, absurdity is the norm

    • Spetzer86

      Maybe the whole world could get into their cars and accelerate eastwards in an attempt to add more spin?

    • I’m going to have to try to remember (and use) that magnificent phrase, “the global greed industry.” Bravo!!

  • MikeW

    I agree with Briggs! I also deny that there is such a thing as “climate science” or “climate scientists”. Instead, these people are high priests in the Climate Change of Doom superstition cult. (And they are making a lot of money at it!)

  • Alice Cheshire

    Climate does exist and it does change. Use a different statistical analysis, shift, modify or delete and then guessimate enough data and voila! A changing climate!

  • KC

    Climate changes daily – it was 42 this morning – now in the 80s – isn’t that change? Last week it rained – this week none – isn’t that change?

    • eddiestardust

      Please explain to me why Venus is actually hotter than Mercury, which is the closest planet to the Sun?

      • KC

        I have no clue

      • GPS Daddy

        Venus atmosphere is ninety times thicker than earth’s atmosphere. Its also 96.5% carbon dioxide verses the earth is 0.04% carbon dioxide. Carbon dioxide is a trace element in earth’s atmosphere. Comparing the two planets is comparing an apple to a basketball. They are both round, well kinda. But thats all you can say.

  • benevolus

    What?

  • Absolutely. I’m a climate change denier too. It’s a fraud.

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