Hollywood Pitch Meetings for Bible-Inspired Films

The God of Israel as a Bratty 11-Year-Old? Is it Just a Sign of Things to Come?

By Al Perrotta Published on February 28, 2015

Exodus: Gods and Kings comes out on DVD on March 17, after grossing over $265 million worldwide. And now that Ridley Scott’s epic has followed Noah to box office glory despite the hatchet job both flicks do to Scripture, the worry is other movie studios will be inspired to do the same.

Somewhere — it is easy to imagine — an earnest screenwriter of faith is eagerly pitching stories celebrating the great moments and heroes of the Bible only to crash into the reality of today’s Hollywood:

Pitch Meeting #1:

Screenwriter: “So Jesus walks across the water . . .”

Studio Exec:  “Great. Great. Environmental theme. There’s so much pollution you can walk across the Hudson. Jesus comes to clean it. DiCaprio will love it. He’s even got the beard for it!”

 

Pitch Meeting #2

Screenwriter:  “And when Joseph rejects Potiphar’s beautiful wife, he . . . ”

Studio Exec:  “Fantastic. He’s gay.”

Writer:  “No, no! He’s straight! He’s just not going to betray his boss by sleeping with his wife.”

Studio Exec: “I don’t get it. You say she’s hot? Nobody’s gonna buy he’s not gonna boink her. Whataya say we have Jennifer Aniston play the wife, get her to show some cleavage. Have ‘em get it on to some old TLC track.”

 

Pitch Meeting #3

Screenwriter: “And then David kills the giant Goliath with a single stone from his slingshot.”

Studio Exec:  “Awesome, Baby! Love it! It’ll be like one of those David & Goliath stories where the underdog wins.”

Screenwriter:  “Uh, it is the David & Goliath story.”

Studio Exec:  “Whatever. First thing, let’s not make him Jewish.  Look, I’m no Mel Gibson, but we don’t want to hurt the Middle East box office.”

 

Pitch Meeting #4

Screenwriter:  “And on the seventh day God rested.”

Studio Exec: “No! He goes to Spring Break in Florida! There he meets and falls for Selena Gomez. But she can’t decide if she wants to shack up with the Creator of the Universe or continue her aspiring music career!  No, no. Even better.  Selena’s a maid at his fancy hotel.  J-Lo can be her boss. We’ll call it Maid in Heaven, or Let There Be Light Housekeeping! The Hispanic market will be huge!”

 

Pitch Meeting #5

Screenwriter: “Jesus says, ‘Lazarus, come out!’ And Lazarus, dead four days, emerges from his tomb!”

Studio Exec: “Stop! Zombie movie! Sold!”

 

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