All Toil, No Troubles: Witches’ Curses Crash

Not so spellbinding spells

By William M Briggs Published on October 29, 2018

It isn’t just Justice Kavanaugh. Awhile back, some witches put the whammy on President Trump, too. Covens gathered, swapped tips on how to keep the purple from fading from their hair, mixed up some bat goo and newt spleen, then danced around in badly sewn homemade costumes chanting Orange Man Bad, Orange Man Bad, Orange Man Bad.

How’d that work out for them?

Had about the same effect as the dancing from the priests of Baal.

Heat, But No Fire

Remember that? Elijah (a.k.a. Elias) had the Baalians cut up a bullock and place it on a pile of dry wood. Elijah said he’d admit Baal was God if Baal would merely light the fagots. Everybody agreed to the plan. Baal’s priest cavorted all morning. No fire.

And when it was now noon, Elias jested at them, saying: Cry with a louder voice: for he is a God, and perhaps he is talking, or is in an inn, or on a journey, or perhaps he is asleep, and must be awaked.

So they cried with a loud voice, and cut themselves after their manner with knives and lancets, till they were all covered with blood.

And after midday was past, and while they were prophesying, the time was come of offering sacrifice, and there was no voice heard, nor did any one answer, nor regard them as they prayed.

Nobody answered the Trump-hating witches, either. Fair is fair, foul is foul after all, and Trump kept his office.

Tell It To The Judge

Not learning from experience, or perhaps taking Elijah literally and believing their gods were on vacation, the Wart-nose Brigade tried again with Justice Brett Kavanaugh. This was after he donned his black robe. That concoction about him heading a boozer teenage gang-rape party club only sounded like an evil spell meant to keep him from the bench.

This time the wine-box ladies met at — it’s almost too precious, but I swear it is true — Catland Books:

Please join us for a publich [sic] hex on Brett Kavanaugh and upon all rapists and the patriarchy which emboldens, rewards and protects them. We will be embracing witchcraft’s true roots as the magik of the poor, the downtrodden and disenfranchised and it’s history as often the only weapon, the only means of exacting justice available to those of us who have been wronged by men just like him.

He will be the focal point, but by no means the only target, so bring your rage and and all of the axes you’ve got to grind. There will also be a second ritual afterward – “The Rites of the Scorned One” which seeks to validate, affirm, uphold and support those of us who have been wronged and who refuse to be silent any longer.

Nailed It

The witches gathered around an altar “featuring penis-shaped candles pierced with nails and poppet dolls imitating Judge Kavanaugh and Donald Trump.” Remind me not to go to the hardware store with any witches.

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I wasn’t there, but I can imagine they shook their piercings in rage, announced their pronouns, and ended by exposing their tattoos to frighten away any benevolent spirits and lovers of beauty.

Except for that last ritual, you’d have to class the Catland hexing a failure. Kavanaugh is still on the bench. Indeed, he’s doing such a good job the media is already whining about his correct opinions.

Failure or no, you have to hand it to the occult-minded ladies and men identifying as ladies. Minions of the dark stick together. A quarter of the proceeds Catland earned that night was sent to the Southern Poverty Law Center. That’s a group that knows how to make its bindings stick.

Casting A Wider Spell

Then there’s Arizona representative Kyrsten Sinema, who is running for the Senate. Sinema (guess her party) invited “a prominent coven of feminist witches in Arizona called Pagan Cluster to celebrate International Women’s Day and to protest the war in March of 2003.”

The good news is that the witches Sinema pals around with “claim to practice only nonviolent magic.” The even better news is that Sinema’s sorceresses are just as effective as the Baalian priests.

She wrote of a Miami anti-war protest with “‘singing and spiraling in the pagan’s circle only 5 rows back from the police line.’ The magic was not enough to stop a police crackdown apparently. Sinema described the subsequent crowd control and arrests as ‘brutal.'”.

Besides oldsters like Hillary gaining coveted coven seats, many young are turning to witchcraft.

Evidently they are doing so without examining the dismal track record of that dour religion. Which only bolsters what we already knew: irrational desire often wins out over facts.

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