Can We Conduct a Calm and Winsome Dialog Over the Reichstag Virus?

That's as unlikely as a veggie burger at a Texas barbecue. But we can try this instead.

By John Zmirak Published on May 27, 2020

We’re all upset. We’re all on edge. Everybody feels threatened by the permanent, universal emergency that the left discovered five minutes after the effort to impeach President Trump failed. (It was utterly invisible to them before that. They were too busy drinking Mai Tais in Chinatown.) So here’s a model conversation one could have with someone who supports blue state lockdowns and blames Trump for a “failed response” to the virus crisis.

Witness this fanciful talk between a white female Democrat, “Karen,” from New York City, and a white male Republican from Texas, “Obadiah.” Since no one’s meeting in person, assume this takes place on Facebook.

Obadiah vs. Karen

KAREN: I can’t believe my sister-in-law friended you. Your last post was extremely offensive. You should take it down. There ARE community standards on Facebook, you know. People have gotten their accounts suspended for less.

OBADIAH: You mean the post I shared from The Stream, about the virus as “China’s Pearl Harbor Attack“?

KAREN: Yes. That kind of racist stereotyping helps no one. In times like this we need national unity. We need to come together, listen to the experts, believe Science, and stay home till Dr. Fauci develops a vaccine. And Bill Gates provides us the tech for contact tracing.

OBADIAH: I’m sure China would be happy to help with both. Maybe we can borrow their Social Credit system, too. Instead of ruthless capitalism.

KAREN: Not sure if you’re being sarcastic, but yes! LOL.

OBADIAH: We could even invite the Chinese Communist Party to come over here and restore order. Run a provisional government for us. They already censor our media, via Google and the WHO.

Believe Science. Do Not Anger Science. Sacrifice Infants and Old Folks to Science.

KAREN: So you want cranks in tinfoil hats to have the freedom to go on Youtube and urge people to drink fishtank cleaner?

OBADIAH: Actually, yes. Even though that never happened. “Science” is not some Gnostic insight attained by a tiny cabal of the Important People working in secret, following one set of protocols, waiting for an Approved list of results, then issuing their verdict. Science is as wild and woolly as capitalism, with thousands of people competing. Then trying to publicize their results, and convince their peers that they’re right. That’s how knowledge advances, by people having arguments.

After the Reichstag Virus, we have to suspend the Constitution indefinitely. No freedom of worship, or assembly, or movement. Governors ruling by decree. Elaborate plans to micromanage every citizen, till China stops sending us viruses.

KAREN: Maybe in normal times, in a perfect world that might be okay. But welcome to the New Normal.

OBADIAH: I’m sorry, you’re right. After the Reichstag Virus, we have to suspend the Constitution indefinitely. No freedom of worship, or assembly, or movement. Governors ruling by decree. Elaborate plans to micromanage every citizen, till China stops sending us viruses. That’s the American Way.

KAREN: We all have to stay home together. The stakes are life and death.

OBADIAH: The stakes are always life and death. And not just in Science, but in politics. (Your abortion clinics are essential, so they stayed open. Our churches are closed.) And religion. Eternal life and death, in the latter case.

KAREN: OMG, so you’re one of those. Never mind, go handle some snakes or finger some beads.

OBADIAH: Perhaps I could light that votive candle Gwyneth Paltrow is peddling. In front of an icon of St. Barack Obama, virgin and martyr.

KAREN: I knew you were a racist.

OBADIAH: As productive as this interchange is proving, I think I might need to go. Medical journalist Whoopi Goldberg is interviewing epidemiologist Greta Thunberg over on MSNBC. Because Science. The same Science that says there are 47 genders, unborn babies are just “tissue,” and you can change your sex by having your nether parts carved up. Or just deciding you identify as a woman, a Genderqueer, or maybe as a platypus.

Human Sacrifice in Albany

KAREN: Go ahead and crack jokes. It’s part of White Privilege. Don’t worry that people are dying because of your ridiculous reality-TV president, who loves the stock market more than vulnerable people.

OBADIAH: Yeah, he’s committing “human sacrifice,” right? That’s what The Atlantic said about Red State governors letting healthy people go to work. Not when Blue State governors like Cuomo dumped virus patients on nursing homes, and closed the beaches to keep the starfish safe. Science!

KAREN: Those people in nursing homes were going to die soon anyway. That’s what really old people do. They … die. Governor Cuomo did nothing wrong. He’s keeping New Yorkers safe.

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OBADIAH: He kept his mother Matilda safe, shuffling her between multimillion-dollar mansions. But other elderly New Yorkers are dying like flies. Especially compared to those in Florida. If you’re going to blame Trump for the national death toll, why exempt Cuomo from his state death toll? And give no credit to Ron DeSantis for keeping his so low?

The one group that needed and deserved protection the most were the elderly. Cuomo threw them under the bus. Then backed it up over them, just to be on the safe side. As Biden’s chief virus advisor Ezekiel Emanuel recommended. He doesn’t think people over 75 should even get life-saving medicine. Maybe he’s working for Cuomo too. Maybe Biden needs to move into one of those nursing homes. Who will be his vice-president, though? I vote for Jussie Smollett.

KAREN: It all comes back to racism, doesn’t it? That’s how this country was founded in 1619.

The Democrats’ “Stockholm Syndrome” Campaign

OBADIAH: Keep that up, you might win a Pulitzer Prize, Karen. No, I wouldn’t say that racism, anti-black or anti-white, is driving this divide. I think it’s a whole lot simpler. Bill Maher last year said America needed a recession, so Trump would lose. So you all could get back to “fundamentally transforming” America. For instance by opening its borders. Maher said some people (not him) would certainly suffer. But the price was worth paying.

And now you’ve got one. A burgeoning Depression, in fact. One that will starve millions of Africans and Asians dependent on U.S. food exports. You lockdown hawks don’t really care. You’re too busy snitching on people fishing alone on their boats in Lake Michigan. You want to batter, bruise, ruin, and imprison your fellow citizens. Till they act like Patty Hearst, and side with their captors. They’ll learn to love Big Brother. Or the Hall Monitor from Hell.
 

 
KAREN: [Files a Breach of Community Standards report to Facebook.]

OBADIAH: [Account suspended.]

 
John Zmirak is a senior editor at The Stream, and author or co-author of ten books, including The Politically Incorrect Guide to Immigration and The Politically Incorrect Guide to Catholicism.
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