Help Wanted for America 2024: Strong, Charismatic, Principled National Leader
A major political party is searching for a strong, charismatic, principled, and committed national leader. Said party has been traumatized by recent losses, remains riven by strife, and needs a leader who will unite and expand base.
Executive experience is required. This is not a learn-on-the-job position.
The ideal candidate should possess as many as possible of the following attributes:
- Determined and combative when necessary, but does not take criticism too personally.
- Able to work with difficult people.
- Can dish it out and take it.
- Zoo management experience a plus.
- Able to charm both rednecks and soccer moms.
- Must not be associated with Big Tech, other than in an adversarial capacity. (For example: Is not sure what Babylon Bee is joking about when it describes Mark Zuckerberg’s “lizard eye.”)
- Is committed to Bill of Rights in full.
- Is determined to cancel Cancel Culture, especially on campus.
- Dragon or bear taming experience is welcome.
- Not gun shy.
- Knows how to laugh, including at self.
- Works well with subordinates. Able to staff large offices with capable people.
- Hates borrowing money. (This quality is required.)
- Integrity a definite plus.
- Still calls the Washington football team “the Skins.”
- Should mist up when singing America the Beautiful, including the verse:
God shed His grace on thee
And crown thy good with brotherhood
From sea to shining sea
God mend thine every flaw
Confirm thy soul in self-control
Thy liberty in law
Our party is an equal-opportunity employer. That is, unlike the other party, we really don’t care if you are male or female, white, black, red, brown or purple with kelp-shaped aquamarine blotches, wear an eye patch, walk with a limp, are fat or skinny, or like western, jazz, hip-hop, or classical. What we care about is character, talent, wisdom, and (of course) fund-raising ability. Though we have to admit it would be fun if you turned out to be Tim Scott or Ben Carson, just to watch liberal heads explode as they attacked you, and to burden the other party with those few racists they haven’t managed to recruit yet.
Veterans, police officers, and governors of thriving states that found a balance between lollygagging and overkill during the pandemic are encouraged to apply.
Lawyers may also apply, but must demonstrate experience defending Christian bakers, nuns, owners of New Jersey gyms, Manhattan dives and Michigan nurseries, and other people persecuted by officious, usually hypocritical tyrants in high places.
How to Apply
Do what you can, in the next couple years, to keep corrupt old politicians and cackling young ones, tech tycoons, BLM activists, diversity Nazis, and Cancel Culture lynch mobs from ruining the lives of your fellow citizens. Persuade concerned moderates in the suburbs and cities of the dangers of these movements. If you are effective, we’ll hear about it when social justice warrior mobs chase you down and try to hang you high. Come out of that adventure alive and with a cheerful, “There you go again” quip on your tongue, and we’ll know we’ve found our man (or woman).
David Marshall holds an undergraduate degree in the Russian and Chinese languages and Marxism, a masters degree in Chinese religions, and a doctoral degree in Christian thought and Chinese tradition. His most recent book is Jesus is No Myth: The Fingerprints of God on the Gospels.