Things You Won’t Hear in 2019
A little levity heading into the first weekend of the year.
Twitter, news sites and cable channels have filled in recent days with assorted predictions and prognostications for 2019. We thought it’d be fun to predict — or imagine — some of things you won’t hear in 2019.
With tongue firmly planted in cheek …
Quotes We Will Not Hear in 2019
“I am soooo over Twitter” — President Donald Trump.
“My bad” — President Donald Trump.
“You’re right, Nancy. Instead of a wall, just telling illegals ‘pretty please, don’t come’ will work just fine.” — President Donald Trump.
“I’m hoping my next grandkid is named Donald” — Sen. Mitt Romney.
“Man, I miss being Chief of Staff,” Gen. John Kelly.
“Run, Hillary Run!” — Democratic National Committee.
“I went up to the White House for a pow-wow with the President” — Sen. Elizabeth Warren.
“DeNiro’s my favorite actor” – President Donald Trump.
“First off, I want to thank my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ” – 2019 Academy Award winner.
“O say can you see, by the dawn’s early light … ” Colin Kapernick.
“Hut. Hut. Hike.” — Colin Kapernick.
“I wonder what tonight’s dinner special is at The Red Hen.” — Sarah Sanders.
“The President sure got that one right.” — Jim Acosta.
“The President sure got that one right.” — Shepard Smith.
“The President sure got that one right.” — Any celebrity not named Kanye West.
“Today’s music is so much better than my generation’s.” — Any parent anywhere.
“That Mike Pence, what a party animal!” — anybody anywhere.
Things That Will Be Thought in 2019 … But Not Said
“You know, working with Trump is actually easier than dealing with Obama” — Nancy Pelosi.
“Of course walls work. That’s why we don’t want one” — Nancy Pelosi.
“If I were Justice Ginsburg I’d be rolling in beer endorsement offers” — Justice Brett Kavanaugh.
“Spartacus? Spartacus?! What on earth was I thinking?!?! — Sen. Cory Booker.
“Yikes. If Trump goes I might have to work for a living” — late night comedy writers.
“Maybe I lost in 2016 because America is just not that into me.” — Hillary Clinton.
“On second thought, if a guy can be a girl simply by saying it, I’m declaring myself President of the United States!” — Hillary Clinton.
“Man, when is this lady in the pantsuits gonna stop pulling up to the White House gate saying, ‘Honey, I’m home!’?” — U.S. Secret Service.
“Oh, bleep. That whole Trump-Russia thing was a set-up. Those suckers played me for a fool!” — Rachel Maddow.
“Yeah, baby. That whole Trump-Russia thing was a set up. We played those suckers for fools!” — John Brennan … and James Clapper … and James Comey … and Hillary Clinton … and Barack Obama.
“The whole Trump-Russia thing was a set up. Gee, thanks for the two years I’ll never get back.” — Robert Mueller.
“Impeachment? Maybe making a larger-than-life billionaire braggart look like the scrappy underdog victim of elites might not be the brightest idea in the world.” — Sen. Chuck Schumer.
“I would really love to have Trump host SNL again” — Lorne Michael.
Note: I tried thinking of ones for President Trump, but find it hard to imagine him having an unexpressed thought.