The Tiniest Casket

By Jennifer Hartline Published on June 18, 2018

Last week I was finally able to bury my littlest child. I can scarcely tell you how glad it made me.

The child we conceived last summer was a surprise, but my husband and I were both smiling at the thought of little hands and feet. A new squishy, sweet, warm baby to cuddle. Yeah, we both love that.

The Last Important Thing

But I’m not as young as I used to be, and my body just wasn’t working the way it had before. I had a wonderfully caring and proactive doctor who did everything humanly possible to help me, but it was not to be. God gave, and God took away. I was fortunate to see, for a few brief moments, that little flickering heartbeat on the ultrasound screen, and I will cherish that memory.

Caveat

In no way whatsoever do I wish to add to the pain of any woman who has miscarried by implying guilt if she was unable to bury her child because remains were not salvageable. It simply is not always possible to recover a tiny baby’s body.

Also, many (most) women simply do not realize they even have the option. They do not know how to go about it, or how to ask for help. Sadly, most Ob/Gyns do not volunteer to help women in this way.

All that needs to change, and that’s why I am sharing my experience.

Not long after, we knew that miscarriage was coming, and there was nothing to do but go through it and grieve. Nothing to do, that is, but one more important thing: try and preserve our child’s tiny body for burial.

For the first time in my life, I had a truly pro-life doctor, and it made all the difference. When I miscarried my very first child 18 years ago, I was ignorant and overwhelmed, and the doctor pressured me into a D&C by scaring me with tales of hemorrhaging. I will always regret that my baby was simply considered “products of conception” and treated as medical waste.

This time it was different. I didn’t even have to explain to my doctor my desire to bury this child. He understood immediately. I didn’t have to plead for his help. He was only too glad and willing to make sure my child’s remains would not be discarded. He clearly and gently explained to me what I would need to do at home, and gave me all the necessary equipment.

Finally, he promised me that if I was uneasy at all, he would carefully manage a D&C and deliver the baby into our care for burial.

The Child in the Womb Deserves Burial

That’s just what he did. It wasn’t complicated, and it shouldn’t be considered strange or gross at all. When someone dies, we bury the body. The child in the womb deserves no less, even when that child is very small and not fully developed.

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Our babies are not “products of conception” and they are certainly not medical waste to be thrown away or flushed down the drain. (Please read my caveat above.)

When someone dies, we bury the body. The child in the womb deserves no less, even when that child is very small and not fully developed.

What my doctor did for me was simple, yet profoundly honoring and healing. He did not grant humanity to my child — he recognized humanity already present and showed respect. He valued the life that was in my womb, and treated me and my deceased baby with dignity. He acknowledged human life and human loss without diminishing either one.

I feel certain that many more women, more couples would choose to bury their child if they were given the opportunity. I want Moms and Dads to know. You have the option.

All it takes is more doctors willing to help mothers and fathers bury the baby lost in a miscarriage, and more cemeteries willing to provide a place to lay those precious babies to rest. It cannot be a financially burdensome prospect. We’re talking about very tiny caskets here, and very small graves.

Like every other burial, it is simply the human thing to do.

A Glorious Day

It was a gloriously sunny, cool day when my husband and I were finally able to place the tiniest casket — a simple wooden box lovingly crafted by my uncle — into the niche. The priest was there with us, and our little child was buried with the same blessings and prayers any other soul would receive. There will even be an emblem to place on the marble. Mary Francis Hartline, September 2017. 

All is well.

 

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