The Sex Wars and the Catholic Church, As Seen from Outer Space

By John Zmirak Published on June 4, 2016

If an alien race is monitoring us from space, learning about our institutions exclusively from the media, they must find this thing called the Catholic Church very puzzling indeed. A report on the subject filed by the Military Intelligence department of our future overlords would surely read something like this:

The largest global religion of the humans is organized around the principle of placating their invisible Deity and preparing them for future life with same after their biological termination; yet this organization (“the Church”) appears from all reports to be primarily concerned with their physical reproduction — generally in encouraging it, under longstanding social arrangements which for thousands of years have succeeded, allowing this species to increase its population vastly in just a few centuries, while expanding life spans and biological well-being. Though for most of its existence this species served both as predator and as prey to other species, it has recently attained a biological dominance over its environment, and stands atop Earth’s protein feeding chain.

Such reproductive arrangements entail one partner from each of Earth’s sexes pairing off with one from the other, and cooperating in the care of biological offspring, who are born completely helpless and remain so for many years, learning skills and cultural codes from parents and nearby humans, typically in organized groupings, until they are prepared to pair off and reproduce in turn. Partners generally remain together even after termination of their fertility, exchanging affection and positive interaction, with support of offspring, who remain in extended contact with their birth-givers.

In recent decades, this organization (“the Church”) has lost significant internal cohesion and prestige among the humans, though the reasons are not completely clear. This “Church” is frequently criticized for its adherence to the successful mammalian breeding customs, by non-members and even by long-time members of the organization — who assert that they reject many of its recommendations and flout its taboos, yet insist on retaining their membership. We have been unable to understand their motives for doing so.

As best we can reconstruct the objections which are raised against the “Church” and its advocacy of traditional breeding patterns, they come from humans and organizations of humans that oppose the reproduction of the species — either wishing to drastically limit it out of (unfounded) fears that humans are running out of food and other resources, or to supplant reproduction among many of the humans with other forms of activity that mimic sexual reproduction — yet cannot produce offspring because they involve only members of one sex, which is insufficient, or employ technological devices that render reproductive activity ineffective.

Unsurprisingly, the regions of the earth where such new (and puzzling) strategies prevail are declining in population, while other regions that retain the traditional modalities supported by this “Church” are growing in numbers and power. The regions that are in self-imposed decline seem to be engaged in an energetic effort to spread their own (ineffective) reproductive practices to those which remain fertile, no doubt in order to maintain their comparative position of dominance. It is unclear whether they will succeed in doing so before they are simply overwhelmed.

Alien hand pointing - 500Other elements in this puzzling scenario render it still more challenging to our analysts. The advocates of the new and ineffective reproductive strategies insist that their views are the result of research and scientific advancement — while this “Church” retains its taboos based on information which it claims to have received from an invisible Deity, who (they claim) is responsible for the initial production of humans, and has left them operating instructions for the species’ ongoing benefit.

Yet the modern, “scientific” strategies appear to be failing, by any empirical criterion one could imagine. Not only are populations stagnating or shrinking, with insufficient younger humans to provide care for the older when they become weak and feeble; fewer fertile humans appear to be pairing off at all, or only for short periods of time, insufficient to provide human offspring with the care and training they require, or older humans with the companionship they seem to crave.

Still more incomprehensibly to us, the most advanced and technologically competent populations on earth now claim to have “discovered” the fact that their biological, sexual difference is purely imaginary — that any member of the species can in fact be a member of either sex or both, or an amalgam of the two, and may switch between them at will, aided by crude chemical and surgical techniques that serve no purpose apparent to external observers, except to render the humans in question sterile.

It almost appears as if this highly intelligent species has fallen into a situation akin to the experiments they sometimes perform on lesser earth mammals, such as “rats” and “mice,” whereby they insert electrical devices into the “pleasure centers” of those animals’ brains, allowing them to choose between intense surges of gratification, and desperately needed nourishment. Such animals typically expend their scarce energy reserves attaining pleasure, and starve to death.

Most counter-intuitive of all these facts: The largest organization which favors the continued reproduction of the humans by the only effective means so far known to them is entirely dominated by members of one sex who do not themselves reproduce, but bend their efforts instead to providing a more welcoming environment for the reproduction of others. Yet those others appear to be increasingly hostile to the organization, its members, and leadership.

It seems to our analysts that this species has chosen transitory pleasure in preference to survival, like the rodents upon which it experiments. Barring some intervention by the putative Deity which this “Church” claims to represent, the humans will forget how to reproduce entirely.

RECOMMENDATION: Due to the crude but highly effective explosive weapons which the remaining members of this species still retain, effects at annexation should be postponed until depopulation and social decay are so advanced that resistance will be minimal. We estimate that three or four more human generations will suffice.

Alien Invasion of Earth - 900

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