Senator Spartacus Dubious, You May Question the Witnesses
Stream colleague and lawyer Rachel Alexander has published a list of questions she’d ask both Judge Brett Kavanaugh and Professor Christine Blasey Ford. While it’d be nice if Rachel were a senator from Arizona on the Senate Judicial Committee, she’s not. (Yet.)
And come the hearing — when, or if, it takes place Thursday — we will be faced with more posing and posturing than a body-building contest. And more theatrics (and just as much maturity) as a junior production of Annie.
Here’s a sneak peak:
Now Testifying, Christine Blasey Ford
Sen. Chuck Grassley: The chair yields to Senator Spartacus Dubious.
Sen. Spartacus: Thank you. Professor Ford. What was it like as a teenager to be the very picture of virtue? A cross between the Virgin Mary and Joan of Arc?
Prof. Ford: I never said I was a …
Sen. Spartacus: And humble too! Can I propose we adjourn this hearing until after mid-terms so we can work on passing a bill naming this Professor Christine Blasely Ford is Humble Day?
Sen. Grassley: No.
Sen. Spartacus: You are a remarkable woman. Anonymously accusing a man of attempted rape. All I can say is had you been my friend in high school I would have felt you up instead of that other girl.
Prof. Ford: Uh … thank you?
Sen. Spartacus: Those evil old white men on the other side of the aisle love pointing out that none of the witnesses you name can support your allegation. As a clinical psychologist is it your professional opinion that they are senile misogynists? Do you believe they should all be castrated for spreading such lies?
Prof. Ford: Well …
Sen. Spartacus: Prof. Ford, your lawyer was a fund-raiser for Hillary and is a honcho at a George Soros-funded organization. I’m gonna run for President. What are the chances of them supporting me if I treat Kavanaugh with the slightest bit of respect and fairness?
Prof. Ford: Well, Senator —
Sen. Spartacus: Call me Spartacus.
Prof. Ford: I have no idea, Spartacus.
Sen. Spartacus: No further posturing … I mean questions. I yield my time.
Sen. Chuck Grassley: Thank you. Good morning, Professor Ford.
Sen. Spartacus: BULLY! YOU BULLY!! YOU WOMAN-HATING BULLY!! ME TOO! ME TOO!
Now Testifying, Judge Brett Kavanaugh
Sen. Spartacus: Let’s start with a simple question: How many of the girls on the basketball teams you coach have you molested?
Judge Kavanaugh: None. The very question is offensive.
Sen. Spartacus: But I am prepared to release photographs of you coaching girls. That is proof enough for me. And right now, I demand the FBI, DOJ, CIA, NSA and the NBA launch a full, immediate investigation!
Moving onto the party. You say under oath you weren’t there. Your friend Mark Judge says he doesn’t remember the party. Peter Smythe says he doesn’t remember the party. Even Saint Christine’s friend Leland Keyser says she has no memory of ever being at a party with you. All face felony charges if they give the committee false statements. So I have one question: Did you slip Keyser a date rape drug too?
Judge Kavanaugh: What?!?!
Sen. Spartacus: Are the other women you raped in high school too scared to come forward?
Judge Kavanaugh: I never —
Sen. Spartacus: LIAR!! I am prepared to release classified documents that show that not only did you rape women, but are responsible for the murder of several college girls in Florida.
Judge Kavanaugh: You’re thinking of Ted Bundy. Uh, Senator, why are you crying?
Sen. Spartacus: All men are brutes! As you know, (sniffle-sniffle), Sen. Feinstein has a letter that she’s been holding since the day your nomination was announced from somebody she won’t say. Horrible, horrible stuff. How do you dare respond to the allegations in the letter?
Judge Kavanaugh: What letter? What allegations?
Sen. Spartacus: Let the record show the witness is refusing to answer the question, which is clear evidence of his guilt.
Judge Kavanaugh: How can I possibly defend what I don’t know?
Sen. Spartacus: That’s precisely what a guilty man would say. America, are you watching this? Do you see what kind of vile predator President Trump has put before you? Looking at this man makes me want to gouge my eyes out. Where’s a knife? SOMEBODY GET ME A KNIFE!
Meanwhile, a final question. You have dozens of women from your high school and college days who say you just weren’t the kind of guy to behave inappropriately. Obviously, they are dumb bimbo deplorables paid to defend you. And/or you are gay. But I want to talk about the scores of women who you drugged and raped over the decades while presenting yourself as “America’s Dad” and entertaining millions.
Judge Kavanaugh: That’s Bill Cosby.
Sen. Spartacus: So you don’t like Bill Cosby.
Judge Kavanaugh: No, Senator.
Sen. Spartacus: That proves it then. You are not only a rapist, you are a racist.
Al Perrotta is the Managing Editor of The Stream and co-author of The Politically Incorrect Guide to Immigration.