My Hovercraft Is Full of Bias: Decoding MediaSpeak

A handy phrasebook translating media agitprop into honest English.

By John Zmirak Published on March 1, 2019

There are few enough consolations in this our troubled world. One of them is that Netflix now features the whole run of Monty Python’s Flying Circus. (Almost unavailable in its native Britain, since it’s too politically incorrect, and might offend recently arrived Somali jihadist tribesmen on the dole.)

That TV show, along with The Lord of the Rings and the 1907 Catholic Encyclopedia, combined to form my thinking about the world. But then, my regular readers already deduced that.

And one of the sketches you can now call up and see in glorious color is the famous “Hungarian Phrasebook” bit. You can watch a blurry Youtube version below:


Gibberish or Worse

In the sketch, a mischievous publisher has put out a phrasebook for Hungarian visitors to Britain. But ordinary phrases in Hungarian are rendered as gibberish or offensive, salacious requests. So we see a distinguished Magyar gentleman at a tobacco store, trying to buy a pack of cigarettes.

He means: “I would like a pack of smokes.” He says: “I will not buy this record, it is scratched!”

He means: “I also need matches.” But says: “My hovercraft is full of eels.”

He means: “How much do I owe you?” But says, “Do you want to come back to my place, bouncy bouncy?”

And so on, into the gutter. The publisher ends up on trial for an attempted breach of the peace. The whole thing is hilarious.

Decoding MediaSpeak

But those of us who still pay any attention to Mainstream Media are the victims of a similar prank, on a vastly greater scale. We hear the words that reporters and commentators say into the microphone. They appear to be in English. We listen as other Democrats (say in Congress) make arguments and proposals. They also seem to be in our common national tongue. But they don’t really mean anything like what the words would normally signify.

That’s what you learn if you spend hours every day tracking conservative media — the few that exist — such as Fox News. Or better yet One America News and Blaze TV. Likewise if you sit on Twitter, and follow those conservative and Christian dissidents. Those who haven’t yet been banned by the oligarchical Leviathans which don’t feel bound by the First Amendment. Or if you listen to radio hosts such as Rush Limbaugh, Michael Levin, Eric Metaxas, Lars Larson, and Dennis Prager.

He means: “I would like a pack of smokes.” He says: “I will not buy this record, it is scratched!”
He means: “I also need matches.” But says: “My hovercraft is full of eels.”
He means: “How much do I owe you?” But says, “Do you want to come back to my place, bouncy bouncy?”

So I want to make things easier for people. The rest of this column will be my own version of the Monty Python Phrasebook. But in reverse. I will take some of the key instances where covert Democrats (the MSM) and overt Democrats (the politicians) are using apparently ordinary speech. Then explain what they really mean — which is frequently either gibberish, or some kind of obscenity. Are you ready? Here goes.

A Handy Phrase Book

“Medicare for All”  = Medicaid for You, a Cuban-style government run socialist medical system.

“Women’s Health”  = Dead babies, right up through the ninth month and even after birth.

“Gun Violence”   = Any deaths by gunfire, including suicides and crimes committed with illegal guns.

“Reform” = Increased control by unelected, Deep State bureaucrats over citizens’ daily decisions.

“Diversity” = A proportional representation of people who look different but think alike.

“Undocumented” = Illegal.

“Refugee” = Economic migrant, or jihadist missionary.

“Nativist” = Patriotic.

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“Far Left” = Archaic, obsolete. Not to be used.

“Progressive” = Socialist.

“Socialist” = Marxist.

“Conservative” = Moderate.

“Moderate” = Liberal.

“Far Right” = To the right of John Kasich today, or Bill Clinton in 1996.

“Racist” = Anything whatsoever of which the speaker disapproves for any reason at all.

“Xenophobic” = White people or Christians rejecting elements of a foreign culture or religion.

“Cultural Appropriation” = White people or Christians embracing elements of a foreign culture or religion.

“Homophobia” = Adherence to biblical morals. 

“Transphobia” = The idea that men can’t give birth, menstruate, or breastfeed, and shouldn’t put on drag to beat up girls in the boxing ring.

“Islamophobia” = Resistance to a) sharia, b) terrorism, c) rape gangs d) female genital mutilation, e) genocidal anti-Semitism. Or f) the mass influx of those who favor a), b), c), d), and e).

“Collusion” = Any effort in which Donald Trump or his team engaged in order to win the 2016 election.

“Hate Crime” = Any incident where members of groups who are designated as victims claim to have been victimized.

“Provocation” = An incident where members of non-victim groups claim to have suffered abuse, but obviously (no need to check the video) brought it on themselves.

“Offensive” = A statement that differs from leftist policy preferences.

“Courageous” = A statement that attributes vicious motives to conservatives by name.

“Hold Accountable” = Courageously releasing the private data, including address and family members, of someone whose views you find offensive.

My submersible dachshund sharpener is eager to inundate your respirator.

By which I mean, “I hope that you find this helpful.”


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