Happy Friday!

In recent days, The Stream has published several excerpts from the biting tell-all from former First Dog Major, Major Disaster: My Year in the Biden White House. 

Recently, we got a chance to sit with Major to ask him about the book and his experiences with the Biden Administration.

The Morning Brew’s Got Some Questions

MB: Why’d you write this book?

To give Americans a straight look at the Biden White House from the inside. You’re never going to get that from, say, Master Jen. (White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki.) I mean, just the other day, Mr. Joe openly compared those who didn’t support the Democrats’ Voting Rights legislation to Confederate traitor Jefferson Davis, George Wallace and Bull Connor. When confronted about it, Master Jen, declares he wasn’t comparing them as “humans.” What else was she comparing them as? Armadillos? Horses? Worse, cats?! 

Mr. Joe can call you a “stupid son-of-a-*****” one minute in front of the whole world, and call you five minutes later saying, “It’s nothing personal, pal.” Not enough treats in the world to keep me playing their games. 

MB:  They say you couldn’t adjust to life in the White House and needed a calmer atmosphere.

You ever hear the word “projection”? I wasn’t the one who scampered off to Delaware 31 times on the taxpayer’s dime. 

MB: Is it true you bit several White House staffers?

Yes, but they were all bad.

Sorry. Couldn’t resist the True Lies reference. Yes. I confess I got riled up. This was in March, 2020. Happened to be in the Oval Office when they were discussing withdrawal plans from Afghanistan. Mr. Joe was insisting the military be totally out by end of summer. Two generals tried to tell him Americans and those Afghanis who helped us have to get out first. And the billions of dollars worth of state-of-the-art equipment. “Besides,” one said, “That’s the height of the Taliban fighting season.”

Mr. Joe looked at them blankly, as if they were speaking Swahili, and turned toward Master Klain, his Chief of Staff. Master Klain with Miss Kamala nodding in an agreement said, “We want all the military out by the end of the summer. And that’s an order.” 

Yeah, I got excited. Tried to express the foolishness of such a directive. I mean, I’m just a major and I knew it’d be a disaster. A Secret Service agent tried to move me away. And yeah, he got nipped in the process. I apologized. Profusely. He was just doing his job. He apologized. Profusely. He knew I was just trying to do mine. Both of us were trying to protect Mr. Joe. 

Unfortunately, those generals had more ribbons than backbone.

MB: From your experience, what are the Bidens like as people?

For starters, he’s no alpha dog. Second, he seemed to explode more and more as the year went on. And more and more I’d find him wandering around the mansion, lost, and have to guide him back to the 2nd floor residence. I think that’s why he went to Delaware so often. He needs the familiar surroundings.

I can put it another way: Mr. Joe’s the kind of guy who would chase you naked out of the shower and grab your tail, trip and fall, and make himself out to be the hero of the story. 

MB: And Jill Biden?

My mother said, “If you can’t say something nice about someone … hold your tongue, then write it all down in a tell-all book” … now available for pre-order on Amazon.

MB: You write about a very poignant encounter with Kamala Harris. What’s your impression of the vice president.

(Growls, shows teeth). That’s my impression of Kamala Harris at a staff meeting. Want my impression of Jen Psaki? (Spins and spins.) I also do a mean Taylor Swift if you’re interested.

MB: Maybe next time. But serious, what about Kamala Harris?

I empathize with her. I really do. Neither of us was picked by Mr. Joe for anything other than appearances. Both of us could sense we were not really wanted. Both of us were quickly scapegoated by people inside the White House.

I was fired, shipped off, so they could bring in a younger, more pliable dog. As I told Miss Kamala after getting axed, “You know they’re going to do the same to you.” She nodded. She knows. Then I thanked her for letting me chew up a pair of her designer shoes. 

MB: You talk about the bad things that happened. But what’s your favorite memory of your time in the White House? 

You mean, besides getting scratched behind my ears? I am a dog, remember. But beyond that, I’d say flying in Marine One. Playing fetch with the Secret Service on the White House lawn. And watching Dr. Jill put up the Christmas decorations, and hearing her mutter “These are soooo much prettier than Melania’s.” I thought that was absolutely hysterical. I have better taste than her and I eat ca-ca. 

No, in all seriousness. A week before I was fired I got to witness Mr. Joe honoring three heroes with the Presidential Medal of Honor. I was weeping like a puppy hearing the stories of their bravery. Yeah, that would be my most powerful memory of my time in the White House. I was proud to represent the animal community in honoring those amazing heroes.

MB: What’s the one thing you want readers to get out of your book?

Actually, several things. First, as bad as you think it is in the White House, it’s actually worse. Second, the person sworn in as president is not running the country. Mr. Joe is totally controlled by Masters. Third, who better to convey the dog-eat-dog fight for control of the White House than a dog? Fourth, my killer recipe for German Shepherd chocolate cake. 

MB: What’s next for you?

Major: I’m working on my second book, this one on the 2020 election called Even a Dog Knows It Was Fixed. And if anyone knows about things being fixed it’s a dog. (Hangs his head for a moment.) I’ll be doing color commentary at this year’s Puppy Bowl. Also, I was asked to do Dancing With the Stars and Celebrity Big Brother. But I’m holding out for a reboot of Celebrity Apprentice. 

Questions From Devoted Morning Brew Readers

MB: If you don’t mind, our readers have a few questions for you. C.C. wants to know “Who else meets Biden in Delaware? And what do they do to Joe to pump him up for another week?”

I’m a dog, not a doctor. Chocolate mint ice cream? I just know that every time we were in Delaware, Mr. Joe is surrounded like a race car at Indy being refueled during a pit stop. 

As for who meets with Mr. Joe, let’s just say I wish I could translate Mandarin. 

Are you in a good home now? Are you okay?

No naked old guys are chasing me down the hall pulling my tail, if that’s what you’re asking. 

MB: J.M. asks, “Did Jen Psaki ever teach you any tricks? Like the ‘circle back’?

No. She was too busy teaching Mr. Joe to roll over. Roll over for the Chinese. Roll over for the Iranians. Roll over for the Open Borders crew. Roll over for the teachers unions. Roll over for AOC and the Green New Deal radicals. You get the point. 

MB: David from Pa. has a couple questions. “Was there anyone in the Biden White House you liked?

The permanent staff, the Secret Service, anyone who rubbed my ears. And I confess, I do have a soft spot for Miss Kamala.

MB: Speaking of Miss Kamala, Tom in Ohio wants to know what kind of dog would you prescribe for her? How about Jill Biden’s ambitions?

Hmm. I don’t understand the question. Why would anyone want anything other than a German shepherd? Beyond that, I wouldn’t wish Dr. Jill on any dog. Get her a cat. She can sit behind the Resolute desk in the Oval Office with the cat on her lap, stroking it like Dr. Evil in Austin Powers.

MB: You watch a lot of movies for a dog.

Dogs see everything, remember.

MB: What advice would you give the next first dog?

You want me to give advice to the mutt they brought in to replace me? Really?! How about “Get ready for them to pin their messes on you”?

For future first dogs, I’d say there’s a lot of pressure being a first pet. Lots of history. Lots of spotlight that’s easy to get lost in. But always remember at the end of the day, the White House is just a house and your mission is to be “Man … or Woman’s best friend.” And being a best friend sometimes mean trying to stop them from doing stupid things … even if it means getting yourself tossed into obedience school. Or out the door. It’s not as easy a life as it looks.

MB: Should the next White House pet be a guppie or a clownfish?

Well, why not? They say life in the White House is like living in a fishbowl anyway. 

You’ve heard the saying, “Be the person your dog thinks you are?” Obviously, you know better than that. But what kind of person would you want Mr. Joe to be?

Retired. What is being done to him is cruel. If he were a dog, the Masters would be arrested and charged. Because of his deteriorating condition, I can’t say what kind of person I would want Mr. Joe to be. No more than I can stop the ocean at his beach place from dissolving a sand castle. 

Finally, A.R. says, “We’re all dying to know:  Kibbles? or bits?”

Actually, give me leftovers from Old Ebbitt Grill any day. But if Kibbles-n-Bits wants a new spokesman, my agent is accepting offers.