Miss America Goes the Way of the Boy Scouts, Thanks to Modern Gnostics

By John Zmirak Published on June 6, 2018

So the Miss America pageant won’t be a beauty contest anymore. It will be a “competition.” (Like Survivor, maybe?) No more parading in swimsuits, or presumably in ball gowns. How will the women dress? Maybe as one of the things we’re now training our daughters to be, instead of brides and moms. So we can look forward to:

  • The “Corporate Shark” competition, where the women all dress as slightly bumpier men. Some will display cleavage, but judges can be subject to legal action for noticing.
  • The “Diversity Enforcer” competition. Wearing shapeless dashikis, ponchos, and mu-mus, they will score points for “unsettling, thousand-yard stares,” “menacing smiles,” and “smug, faux-compassionate brow-furrows.”
  • The “Social Sciences/ Humanities Academic Feminist” event. Dressed in fabulously frumpy tweeds, they will compete in Improvisational Intersectionalism. Judges will throw them recent tragedies, from natural disasters to isolated suicides in Burma. Contestants will compete in explaining how the white/male/heterosexist patriarchy is to blame. Bonus points for polysyllabic neologisms and incomprehensibility.
  • The “Shrill, Progressive Religion” category. Judges will pick random verses from the Old or New Testament, and contestants must draw from them detailed policy mandates for dealing with immigration, welfare spending, or U.S. foreign policy exactly as God demands.

Burqas Aren’t Modest.

I’ve seen a few Christians (some of them clergy) welcome the change in the pageant. Presumably they welcome the de-emphasis on beauty, and the end of the swimsuit competition because it’s premised on lust. Or something. This is a mistake. It’s as grave an error as thinking that Muslim “modesty” (as evidenced by burqas and honor-killings) is somehow akin to Christian chastity.

Now, if Miss America had ever had a “Sexy Lingerie” competition, I would agree with suppressing that. But swimsuits, by definition, are public attire. The few times I flipped channels and caught a glimpse of the swimsuit competition, most of the costumes were a lot less risqué than you’d see on any beach. Let’s not even mention the Internet. So no, I wouldn’t want men with sex addictions or vowed to celibacy watching this competition, but they’re really not relevant to anyone else.

The Scouts can’t be for boys, especially straight boys led by straight men, because that admits sex exists. That God made the world a certain way.

Spaying All the Boy Scouts

No, the changes in the Miss America pageant are exactly like those that just happened to the Boy Scouts. Oops, now they’re the “neuter” Scouts. But it’s okay because thanks to their former leader, good old Rex Tillerson, they now have gay scoutmasters. And for the next global jamboree, organizers are reminding the Scouts to bring along lots of condoms. 

The Scouts can’t be for boys, especially straight boys led by straight men, because that admits sex exists. That God made the world a certain way. While it’s fallen it is still good. So we must respect its structures.

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Nope, we can decree that men have vaginas, women have penises, and 10-year-old “drag queens” are not the victims of sexual abuse. Because we are “like gods.” Doesn’t it say that, somewhere in the Bible?

Attacking Creation Itself

Part of how God made men is intensely visual. We respond to women’s beauty, of face and limb and hair. And wouldn’t you know it, normal women want to be seen that way. Sometimes they compete with each other as to who is most beautiful — just as men compete to show who is physically bravest. Now, physical courage can sometimes be important for women. And men care about their looks. But not to the same degree. That’s not how we’re made. That’s part of our God-given natures. If that offends you, I’m terribly sorry.

So attacking the idea of beauty pageants is right up there with attacking masculine chivalry. With flooding our combat military with women — whom we train our soldiers to value no more highly than male comrades. We must take our young warriors and beat out of them the primal sense that women are uniquely worth protecting. Almost as if — just work with me here — only women could carry children, so they’re the future of our kith and kin. Such religiously motivated crazy-talk. Good thing we now have Science.

Let the Race to the Bottom Begin

The Miss America pageant has just embraced the fate of the Boy Scouts. It will disappear. But not before it sees:

  • Its first “transgender” winner.
  • Its first runner up in a burqa. And
  • Its second runner up who is 8-months pregnant, with a beard.

This hoary American institution once took the dreaded (horrible, horrible, objectifying, human-species-perpetuating but never mind that) male gaze and tried to turn it also to talent, intellect, and public-spiritedness. Now it will morph into a grotesquerie as obscene as the new, be-condomed Scouts. And then it will die. Like all other things which we cut off from their roots in the rich soil God planted.

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