Miss America Goes the Way of the Boy Scouts, Thanks to Modern Gnostics

By John Zmirak Published on June 6, 2018

So the Miss America pageant won’t be a beauty contest anymore. It will be a “competition.” (Like Survivor, maybe?) No more parading in swimsuits, or presumably in ball gowns. How will the women dress? Maybe as one of the things we’re now training our daughters to be, instead of brides and moms. So we can look forward to:

  • The “Corporate Shark” competition, where the women all dress as slightly bumpier men. Some will display cleavage, but judges can be subject to legal action for noticing.
  • The “Diversity Enforcer” competition. Wearing shapeless dashikis, ponchos, and mu-mus, they will score points for “unsettling, thousand-yard stares,” “menacing smiles,” and “smug, faux-compassionate brow-furrows.”
  • The “Social Sciences/ Humanities Academic Feminist” event. Dressed in fabulously frumpy tweeds, they will compete in Improvisational Intersectionalism. Judges will throw them recent tragedies, from natural disasters to isolated suicides in Burma. Contestants will compete in explaining how the white/male/heterosexist patriarchy is to blame. Bonus points for polysyllabic neologisms and incomprehensibility.
  • The “Shrill, Progressive Religion” category. Judges will pick random verses from the Old or New Testament, and contestants must draw from them detailed policy mandates for dealing with immigration, welfare spending, or U.S. foreign policy exactly as God demands.

Burqas Aren’t Modest.

I’ve seen a few Christians (some of them clergy) welcome the change in the pageant. Presumably they welcome the de-emphasis on beauty, and the end of the swimsuit competition because it’s premised on lust. Or something. This is a mistake. It’s as grave an error as thinking that Muslim “modesty” (as evidenced by burqas and honor-killings) is somehow akin to Christian chastity.

Now, if Miss America had ever had a “Sexy Lingerie” competition, I would agree with suppressing that. But swimsuits, by definition, are public attire. The few times I flipped channels and caught a glimpse of the swimsuit competition, most of the costumes were a lot less risqué than you’d see on any beach. Let’s not even mention the Internet. So no, I wouldn’t want men with sex addictions or vowed to celibacy watching this competition, but they’re really not relevant to anyone else.

The Scouts can’t be for boys, especially straight boys led by straight men, because that admits sex exists. That God made the world a certain way.

Spaying All the Boy Scouts

No, the changes in the Miss America pageant are exactly like those that just happened to the Boy Scouts. Oops, now they’re the “neuter” Scouts. But it’s okay because thanks to their former leader, good old Rex Tillerson, they now have gay scoutmasters. And for the next global jamboree, organizers are reminding the Scouts to bring along lots of condoms. 

The Scouts can’t be for boys, especially straight boys led by straight men, because that admits sex exists. That God made the world a certain way. While it’s fallen it is still good. So we must respect its structures.

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Nope, we can decree that men have vaginas, women have penises, and 10-year-old “drag queens” are not the victims of sexual abuse. Because we are “like gods.” Doesn’t it say that, somewhere in the Bible?

Attacking Creation Itself

Part of how God made men is intensely visual. We respond to women’s beauty, of face and limb and hair. And wouldn’t you know it, normal women want to be seen that way. Sometimes they compete with each other as to who is most beautiful — just as men compete to show who is physically bravest. Now, physical courage can sometimes be important for women. And men care about their looks. But not to the same degree. That’s not how we’re made. That’s part of our God-given natures. If that offends you, I’m terribly sorry.

So attacking the idea of beauty pageants is right up there with attacking masculine chivalry. With flooding our combat military with women — whom we train our soldiers to value no more highly than male comrades. We must take our young warriors and beat out of them the primal sense that women are uniquely worth protecting. Almost as if — just work with me here — only women could carry children, so they’re the future of our kith and kin. Such religiously motivated crazy-talk. Good thing we now have Science.

Let the Race to the Bottom Begin

The Miss America pageant has just embraced the fate of the Boy Scouts. It will disappear. But not before it sees:

  • Its first “transgender” winner.
  • Its first runner up in a burqa. And
  • Its second runner up who is 8-months pregnant, with a beard.

This hoary American institution once took the dreaded (horrible, horrible, objectifying, human-species-perpetuating but never mind that) male gaze and tried to turn it also to talent, intellect, and public-spiritedness. Now it will morph into a grotesquerie as obscene as the new, be-condomed Scouts. And then it will die. Like all other things which we cut off from their roots in the rich soil God planted.

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  • John Connor

    The histrionics never stop

    • Patmos

      You’re confusing “histrionics” with a “valid point”. And it’s a point that’s been made for a number of years now, or maybe you’ve been living in a cave? Or are twelve? Or are so dimwitted that you don’t understand consequence? Or maybe you’ve just given up on life.

      • John Connor

        Are you on mommy’s computer again? It’s ridiculous that’s even the subject of someone’s writings. Are you ok?

  • Bojaws Dubois

    “Let the race to the bottom begin,” he writes. But please let the whining and moaning stop.

    • Patmos

      The irony of a troll.

      • John Connor

        You definitely fit the bill

  • Paul

    “Its first “transgender” winner.”

    With no swimsuit competition they’re giving cover for the future contestant with the speedo bulge. It takes the illusion of beauty to new lows.

    Frankly I could care less about such contests and titles and am baffled by Christians who think these things are worthwhile and relevant.

  • m-nj

    Excellent article and good tie in to the BOY Scouts issue.

  • Karen

    The old Miss America was the perfect conservative moment: women compete viciously and intensely, including an enormous amount of physical effort, in order to appear to be effortlessly perfect and passive

    Give me a break. Zimrak never respected or liked actual women; he wants to leer at teenagers in skimpy costumes and scold his wife for existing past the age of 25.

    • Howard Rosenbaum

      Sounds like you’ve had some hurt put on you over the years ..? Sorry , but there’s still time to get over it – when you turn that stuff over to a redemptive Heavenly Father …

    • Jones Howell

      Polemical, are we?

  • Patmos

    “(Like Survivor, maybe?)”

    American Gladiator.

  • Howard Rosenbaum

    Nice take on the perils of modern liberalism & it’s effect on the most innocuous of celebratory pageantry. Sure these things are “sexist”.
    So is the institution of family. So are every gender restricted institution of “higher learning “.
    We all must learn to recognize that “sexist” is not restricted to pop culture . The artificial morality of some ( most ? ) in this “Me – Too” age of sexual propriety has reduced even the most understated display of femininity to something representative of a Victorian age ethics debacle.
    Look I get it. It was only a matter of time before bikini bearing beauties would be replaced by pants suit wearing cuties. That is as long as the “fairer sex” is still represented by the fairer of the “fairer sex” ….

  • Nick Stuart

    Scouts aren’t reminded to bring condoms to the jamboree. Organizers are being required to provide them.

    So much for “Be Prepared”

  • Jay Champagne

    Zmirak is my favorite columnist, but this article seems like a bit of a stretch.

  • Jim Walker

    I agree with Zmirak. This will be the start of the “evolution” of a Beauty Pageant and will go down the tubes. Next, they will starting to be inclusive and invite Transgenders.
    What about Mr America ? They’d better wear T-shirts.

  • selahgreene

    “We respond to women’s beauty, of face and limb and hair.” The Lord told us not to. His standard is simple: “He who looks on a woman with lust in his heart has committed adultery already.” Parading women in a cattle-call half naked is blatantly lust-promoting, lust-indulging. The standards of Jesus long ago left the church, and long ago left Christian men, who have no clue what Jesus is about – 10 times Jesus tells us to live in the Spirit, die to the flesh. 101 times in the New Testament we are told to live in the Spirit, die to the flesh. I have a feeling that Mr. Zmirak would have us believe that our fathers bought Playboy just to read the articles, and drooling over half-naked women makes one a man; that responding to the naked flesh of women not our wives is something Jesus would recommend. That spirit of the flesh is why 60% of ‘Christian’ men are addicted to porn, living like dumb animals.

    Allowing women to keep their clothes on in public does not just respect the dignity of women; it elevates the dignity of men. If we live for the flesh, we are no different than the world, no different than those Peter called the “brute beasts”, the dumb animals, living for our instincts, ruled by our genitals like dumb animals. We mock the standards of Jesus; yet we claim His name; because we have no clue what His standards are about; we have no clue that living in the Spirit produces eternal rewards far, far greater than living like brute beasts.

  • Jones Howell

    If the women will look anything like Greta Carlson did for her interview the other night (a cross between Dale Evans and a softball pitcher, who under heaven would want to watch THAT?

  • Ineverleavecomments

    When I heard this *super important* Miss America news I thought it mean pageants were going to be the next Applebee’s or paper napkins, that is, an industry killed by Millenials. There is a sort of trickle down affect here from the teen miss- or whatever the under 18 beauty contests are called- to whoever goes on to do Miss America. (I highly doubt my two high school buddies who did pageants would spend the small fortune their parents spent on them, for their own daughters’ pageant activities.) Twenty years ago this same swim suit drama existed. There were beauty qua beauty contests, where the winner got a cash prize and others-I think that were more cash advantageous to the winner- where the money comes for educational purposes only via some kind of tax shelter. I don’t know anyone with a high school aged daughter doing teen pageants now (I think they still exist).

    I can easily imagine gender neutral parents signing up their trans daughters for whatever we are talking about here- beauty pageants, scholarship talent contests etc.

    One more thing: I think you missed the nuance here between a scholarship contest vs a beauty pageant. Liberty Mcartor picked up on this.

  • Rob Abney

    Now Boy Scouts can be in “beauty” pageants!

  • D W

    I disagree with this reasoning.
    Married men shouldn’t be looking at other women in swimsuits. Sure they are acceptable attire on the beach, but if my wife caught me looking on at a bikini contest on the beach, she’d be right to ask what the hell I’m doing.

    Imagine if a nun entered a swimsuit competition. Why would that be wrong? Nothing wrong with a nun entering a singing competition, so what’s wrong with her chabging clothes for a few minutes? I think most Catholics would be uncomfortable with a nun in a swimsuit competition because they’d kniw theres something off about a nun being the object of lustful glares.

  • Erin

    Sorry, Zmirak, but you’re WAY off on this one. The swimsuits are super-revealing, and the models’ bodies are super-perfect, which is not reality. Even if you can find women just as scantily-clad on the beach doesn’t mean it’s acceptable. It demeans women. It contributes to the objectification of women that hurts real women in the real world. It contributes to lust and the porn industry, it breaks marriages and makes girls and women feel inadequate. Don’t draw parallels with burqas and the LGBT agenda. It’s not wrong to respect women. You don’t know what you’re talking about.

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