Mercy Begins in the Mind, Even When Your Heart Stays Cold

By David Mills Published on November 28, 2016

The church had the classic New England white clapboard sides with the tall clear windows and simple steeple. It sat on a country road, set against trees. It was the church of a 1950s movie, filled with friendly people fond of potluck suppers and hymnsings. Friends brought me there, a secular-minded teenager, and I got to know it well.

A young woman came to the Saturday night youth group and to church on Sunday. She was astonishingly beautiful. Almost right away, two little old ladies straight from a 50s movie, short, plump, white-haired, with light blue eyes and apple cheeks, campaigned to drive her away. I was still an outsider and even I heard one of them say, “She’s no better than she should be,” and heard others say the same kind of thing.

They succeeded in driving her out. No one stood up to old ladies full of malice. It was a country church made up of locals, and everyone knew this girl had been sexually abused by her father since she was a little girl. I heard years later that her life had not gone well. I wonder how it might have gone had she been welcomed into a small, loving community of Christians, rather than driven away as dangerous goods.

The poor girl’s persecutors argued that she might be promiscuous and might seduce the boys. She was a slut, a bad girl. She was a type, not a person. And it was her own fault. She was no better than she should be.

I don’t think this would happen today. Not because the old ladies’ successors would be less malicious, but because people know better what sexual abuse does to children. Few would now say “It’s her fault” or “She’s no better than she should be.” We would be more merciful, not because we’re better people but because we know more of the children’s story.

Inspired But Not Helped

Catholics are just finishing a Year of Mercy proclaimed by Pope Francis. A lot of the writing produced during the year inspired and convicted me, but it wasn’t always very helpful. The writers assumed that stories of people being merciful would get us lesser mortals to feel merciful. I need less optimism, more direction, because being merciful to people can be really hard — especially if you know them.

Fortunately, mercy begins in the mind, as well as in the heart. The mind can pull open the closed heart. You may be thinking “What a jerk” because the person you’re dealing with really annoys you. Then someone tells you what the man’s gone through. You start thinking, and more important feeling, “poor guy,” and happily give him what help you can give him.

We should show mercy to everyone spontaneously even if we don’t know their stories. Jesus expects us to, which is one reason the Good Samaritan is the good Samaritan, and why the Scriptures tell us to take in the stranger. But in real life, as sinners among other sinners, as people inclined to selfishness dealing with people inclined to annoy us, few of us can.

Knowing their stories helps a lot. Mercy can begin in the mind. How can this be made practical? Here are three things I try to do.

Three Ways

First, meditate on how much mercy I’ve received. Which is boatloads. In his book The Name of God is Mercy, Pope Francis says: “The more conscious we are of our wretchedness and our sins, the more experience the love and infinite mercy of God among us, the more capable we are of looking upon the many ‘wounded’ we meet along the way with acceptance and mercy.” For me, this includes examining my conscience for the sin of judging and including it in my confession.

Second, learn people’s stories when I can. Many people want to talk. Listening can be a ministry in itself. Francis says: “Mostly people are looking for someone to listen to them. Someone willing to grant them time, to listen to their dreams and difficulties. This is what I call ‘the apostolate of the ear’ and it is important. Very important.” Reading stories about other people’s lives helps me see others more clearly than I would on my own.

Third, assume that the difficult people have a story even when I don’t know it, and that story would make me feel merciful if I knew it. I try to apply the Golden Rule: Think and speak of them as I want strangers to think and speak of me. I want everyone to say when I act badly, “He must have his reasons” or “We don’t know what he’s going through.”

Had the people in that country church done these things, even if they remained ignorant of the effects of abuse, they would have welcomed a girl who needed them. Their listening might have broken their prejudices and helped them see reasons to show mercy they didn’t feel. They might have changed her life. Had they showed mercy, she might have met the God who is mercy.

 

“Mercy Begins in the Mind, Even When Your Heart Stays Cold” appeared in David Mills’ weekly column for Aleteia. His author’s page can found here. Follow him on Twitter at @DavidMillsWrtng.

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