Corpses, Carbs and Brett Kavanaugh

By Al Perrotta Published on October 2, 2018

I’d like to thank Senate Democrats for spoiling my vacation. Senator Spartacus Dubious, you don’t know how much money you cost your state. Instead of blowing money on the Seaside Heights boardwalk or spending cash in Jersey Shore shops, I was stuck having to deal with the Kavanaugh-Ford hearings. 

I was glued to the TV and computer, putting in more work hours than in a normal week. Eating was about the only other thing I did. Stuffing myself to the point even former governor Chris Christie was helicoptering overhead, and calling down, “Sir, put down that sub before someone gets hurt.” Anxiety, anger and adrenaline, meet pizza, Philly cheese-steaks and bagels.

So imagine my surprise to return to work yesterday after the long drive home to find out we’re no longer talking about alleged sexual assault. Now it’s all about beer drinking, ice tossing and temperament. 

Temperament

Immediately after the hearings, a talking point was spread across the land like cow manure: Kavanaugh’s emotions during the hearing show he doesn’t have the “judicial temperament” to sit on the High Court. As if his judicial temperament hasn’t been displayed for 12 impeccable years as an actual judge. As if there’s no difference between being a neutral ref in a constitutional dispute between two parties and defending yourself against personal and professional destruction. 

We know how the game works. Had Kavanaugh spent the day calmly, coolly vivisecting Dr. Ford’s allegation, these same Senators would be calling Kavanaugh unfit because he is “robotic” and “clearly unable to empathize with human suffering and emotions.” “Someone that cold is definitely capable of rape,” Sen. Mazie Hirono would have said. He would have been nicknamed Judge Dukakis. Saturday Night Live would have hired Al Gore to play him in a sketch.  

Kavanaugh actually showed restraint. How many of us would have kept cool when questioned by Dianne Feinstein? She had the Ford allegation for two months, but didn’t say a word about it. “Now you want to ask me about it? Now? Now?! Now?!?!”

Who among us would have taking any smack from the likes of Sen. Richard Blumenthal? “Yeah, soldier. I was in that party like you were in ‘Nam.”

The Trump Dirt

Donald Trump when taking questions Monday suggested he had dirt on Senate Democrats. Could that be why Capitol Hill politicos sounded less vicious Tuesday? Perhaps it was polling showing the assaults on Kavanaugh were backfiring. But then again could it have been The Trump Effect?

Keep in mind who Trump is. He’s been hobnobbing with these politicians for years while remaining stone cold sober. “Sure, Senator. I can get you backstage at the Miss USA show. Should I set aside another ticket for your wife? No?”

More than that, he owns resorts, hotels, casinos. You don’t think he hasn’t gotten calls in the middle of the night? “Mr. Trump, we found Senator X stumbling naked by the pool in high heels, covered in maple syrup, singing ‘I Am What I Am.’ Yessir, we did get him back to his room without other guests noticing. Yessir, we got pictures. Yessir, we did tell him that Mr. Trump is interested in knowing what his guests enjoy.”

Oh, and he’s BFFs with the guy who runs the National Enquirer

Sen. Dick Durbin? Remember him yelling about an FBI investigation, “What do YOU want to do? What do YOU want to do?!” Most of us would have sounded like Indigo Montoya at the end of Princess Bride: “I want to get my good name back, you son-of-a-*****!”

Sen. Mazie Hirono?  “Sorry for not answering. Since I am a male, I assumed you just wanted me to shut up.”

Sen. Cory Booker? “Kirk Douglas in Spartacus? More like Gabby Douglas at the Olympics. Nothing but flips and spins and flying leaps.”

Ice Tossing and the Party Kavanaugh Wasn’t At

When today started, the big news was The Great Ice Toss of ’85. Seems while he was an undergrad at Yale, Kavanaugh and another man got in an altercation at a bar. The New York Times breathlessly reported that he was accused of tossing ice at the guy “for some unknown reason.” (A classmate not exactly friendly with Kavanaugh told the Judicial Committee he was responding to a “semi-hostile” remark.)  Kavanaugh was questioned by police, but never charged, let alone convicted of anything. 

The story was met with a gigantic “Oh, please.” And by the afternoon, the NY Times didn’t have ice on it’s face. Just egg. The Grey Lady was forced to admit it screwed up by assigning the story to a writer who had publicly expressed her contempt for Kavanaugh. 

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Then things got even more ridiculous. Sen. Chris Coons released a statement by a guy who was at a crazy party at Brett Kavanaugh’s fraternity. A hooker was involved. Except it was a year after Kavanaugh graduated. And he doesn’t remember Kavanaugh being there. 

What’s to Come

What’s to come tomorrow? The FBI may be wrapping up its investigation tonight. Mitch McConnell insists there will be a vote this week. And …

  • Sen. Whitehouse will back away from his statement today that the FBI could complete an investigation in a week.
  • More suspicious white powders will show up at Republican Senate offices.
  • Protesters will terrorize a family member of a senator on the committee.
  • A beer company will offer Kavanaugh a lifetime supply of brewskies to wallow in his sorrow should his nomination go down.
  • A celebrity who’s been in rehab and countless films depicting heavy drug use will say Kavanaugh’s high school partying makes him unfit.
  • The girl’s basketball league he coaches will ban him, citing “the worries of concerned parents.”
  • Sen. Feinstein will say Kavanaugh’s confirmation will pain her even worse than the 1978 assassinations that made her San Francisco mayor.
  • Someone will come forward to claim they saw Brett Kavanaugh and his frat buddies boozing it up with corpses in a cemetery one Halloween. 
  • A psychic will appear on a major network saying they know the house where the Dr. Ford incident took place and yes, by golly, Kavanaugh was there. 
  • Another psychic, looking and sounding suspiciously like Whoopi Goldberg, will have her body taken over by a dead person who insists he was assaulted by Brett Kavanaugh in a saloon in 1872. Kavanaugh, the ghost will say, ran the town brothel.
  • Sen. Booker will release photographic evidence proving Brett Kavanaugh was the Umbrella Man on the Grassy Knoll.

Yes, I’m growing more and more ridiculous. But isn’t this whole business? 

  

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