Joe Biden Didn’t Kill Himself. (Just Trying to Get Out Ahead of the News)

By John Zmirak Published on July 2, 2024

The Biden White House is defiant. Joe Biden’s campaign manager, Rob Flaherty, issued a scornful letter over the weekend calling those appalled by the president’s mummified debate performance “the bedwetting brigade.” (Maybe not the best choice of metaphor, Rob, since we’re already thinking about incontinence. Depends™ on the context, I guess.)

Flaherty’s communique from the Berlin bunker continues: “Joe Biden is going to be the Democratic nominee, period. End of story. And if he were to drop out, it would lead to weeks of chaos, internal foodfighting, and a bunch of candidates who limp into a brutal floor fight at the convention.”

Reportedly, big Democrats are outraged at Biden’s stonewalling in the face of their own meltdown and panic attacks. And in their own terms, they are right.

For the good of the Democratic Party and the wealthy elites who wield it, Joe Biden should step aside. He’s unfit to drive a school bus full of kids 100 yards, much less wield the power to start a nuclear war. And that is now obvious to everyone in the world, from Vladimir Putin to the Taliban. So his drug-fueled senile dementia poses a genuine threat to the power of our ruling cabal, and all its clients — from immigrant-smuggling U.S. Catholic bishops to race-hustling, pro-choice ghetto pastors, from child-castration specialists and late-term abortionists to Big Pharma inventors of new diseases and the mandatory vaccines for them.

Everyone from corrupt prosecutors who target innocent citizens to campus “diversity” Karens who target Jews and Asians can agree on this: It was wrong for Joe Biden to do such a bad job of hiding what a failing animatronic-Disney-dead-president robot he really is. It was something worse than a crime: a blunder.

Electing Joe to the White House in the Sky

If we do our jobs as informed voters this fall, the Democrats will lose the presidential race by a margin too big even for Dominion Systems and 10,000 mules to steal it, and perhaps hand the Senate back to the GOP, expanding the House majority beyond its current razor-thin uselessness.

And that’s why I think that we might very well see something tragic happen to Joe Biden. Something definitive and existentially transformative, which pushes him from the 98-yard line short of his rich eternal reward right into the end zone. Then, like widows whose hair has turned gold with grief, the Democrats will do a little victory dance … until they remember that loop of Kamala Harris talking to dozens of different audiences like Special Olympics contestants about “what Can Be, unburdened by what Has Been.”

Go ahead, try to watch all four minutes of that video. Think of it as the “Has Been Challenge.”

I don’t know how they will do it. Maybe Barack Obama still controls our killer drones. Perhaps Anthony Fauci will spray some little girl’s hair with “bird flu” and bring her within sniffing range. Maybe Biden will dine with his Satanist, bondage-obsessed monkeypox czar and choke on a banana.

But if I were on Biden’s Secret Service patrol, I would be vigilant — especially now that he has called off the literal attack dogs who used to maul my colleagues while Joe forced them to watch him swimming in the buff in his pool. 

You may be shocked that I’m talking like this. But do you really put such a crime past the people who dumped COVID patients in nursing homes in blue states to spike the death rates of seniors and ensure fraud-friendly mail-in voting in 2020? What’s one more American senior in a medical waste bag when issues like transgender visibility and visas for MS-13 are at stake? We must protect the Democrats from the demos, the populace from the populists.

Joe “President” Biden

With his legacy in tatters, and perhaps his life in danger, should we pity Joe Biden and be angry at his family for telling him to cling to the pretense that he is still really running the country? Ought we to be outraged that his crack-addled felon son Hunter is reportedly the loudest voice demanding he ask Americans for four more years? Is “elder abuse” really the issue here?

How about “nation abuse,” since our liberal media and the bosses of the Democratic Party knew back in 2020 how unfit Biden already was for office — and lied to us about it until the grotesquely comic truth spilled out during the presidential debate less than one week ago. The national gaslighting continued up to the very moment when it became unsustainable. Until the journos realized that their personal credibility and their careers might actually suffer.

Personally, I can’t help thinking of crime boss Vincent “The Chin” Gigante, who for long months dodged a trial for his crimes by hyping and exaggerating his claimed senility — you know, the way Biden dodged trial for his abuse of classified documents because the U.S. Department of Justice determined that a jury would never convict such a senile, out-of-touch dotard.

The Biden family (including Joe’s brother and son) has hoovered up hundreds of millions of ill-gotten dollars by corrupting American politics — including money intended to rebuild a shattered Iraq. Now the various capos of la famiglia want Don Sleepy Joe to extend his long nap in the Oval Office for another four and a half years so they can go right on stealing and avoiding prosecution. Joe Biden deserves exactly as much sympathy — no more and no less — than Vincent Gigante.

And crime bosses don’t always end well. They don’t all pass of natural causes like Vito Corleone in The Godfather, playing among the tomato plants with their grandsons.


John Zmirak is a senior editor at The Stream and author or coauthor of more than 10 books, including The Politically Incorrect Guide to Immigration and The Politically Incorrect Guide to Catholicism. His newest book is No Second Amendment, No First.

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