How Do You Forgive When Things Still Haven’t Been Resolved?

As much as we wish Christmas gatherings were only full of fun with family, sometimes they can bring frustration as well. What do you do when there's been a rift you can't resolve?

A verse stuck out to me in a new way the other day as I read through Jesus’s Sermon on the Mount:

“You have heard it was said to those of old, ‘You shall not murder, and whoever commits murder shall be subject to judgment,’” Jesus said. “But I tell you that everyone who is angry with his brother shall be subject to judgment.” (Matthew 5:21-22a TLV, emphasis mine).

The last few months have been rough, and I realized I’d been subject to judgment for some anger toward a brother in Christ. God, in His grace, began calling it out when I saw this person recently.

How Do You Forgive When There’s No Reconciliation?

My brother in Christ began sharing a message of encouragement with me. But, to be honest, I was barely listening to most of it. It didn’t help that I’d had a frustrating start to my day. As I listened, I was fuming on the inside. I was trying to fix my thoughts or get my mind right, but all my thoughts were critical of what he was saying and I was frustrated with him.

Then, after a while, he said something that resonated with my spirit — but I didn’t want to receive it. Suddenly, I realized the hardness that was in my heart, and the Lord gently but firmly said in my spirit, “You’ve allowed bitterness to take root against your brother.”

I was convicted. “You’re right, God,” I said. “I have allowed bitterness to take root.”

As I walked away from that interaction, I started to try to get my heart right toward the other person, but realized I didn’t know how. There are some real issues between us that remain unresolved, even though I’ve tried to raise them in conversation over the years. (To be clear, my brother isn’t a bad person. I recognize the hand of God and the fruit of the Spirit in his life. But there have been frustrations.)

As I wrestled with those frustrations, trying to figure out how to forgive him, I eventually asked the Lord, “How do I get rid of this bitterness? I can’t figure it out.” And gently again, He said, “I can take that right now, if you’ll trust Me and let Me take it.”

“Yes, Lord, I trust you,” I said. “Please fix my heart.” And the weight lifted.

That’s It?

It was a sudden conclusion to a bitterness that had been growing for years.

This past week, I’ve felt a shift. Not only is the weight of bitterness I’d been bearing toward my brother now gone, but I’ve experienced renewed intimacy in my quiet times with the Lord. And He’s continued to confirm the lifting of a judgment to which I didn’t even know I’d been subject.

I find I need to remain vigilant to bring my frustrations before the Lord for direction and insight. They still haven’t been resolved, and bitterness would very much like to grow in my heart again. But I can feel a shift has happened. As Jesus also said, “Forgive, and you will be forgiven.”

I wish I could write you a step-by-step “Guide to Forgiveness,” but I can’t. What I can tell you is that God will take the bitterness if you’ll trust Him enough to put it in His hands and let go.

Austin Roscoe is The Stream’s webmaster.