Hillary’s Emails? We’ve Got ‘Em!

A Stream Satire

By Al Perrotta Published on March 6, 2015

Once again Hillary Clinton finds herself in more hot water than a bouillon cube. Just days after the scandal broke over Hillary accepting foreign donations to the Clinton Foundation while secretary of state, she’s now feeling the heat for using a personal email account to conduct her business while in office. Some are questioning the legality of such a maneuver. Some are questioning her motive.

Above all, the chattering class is wondering, “What does this mean for Hillary’s chances in 2016?! Well? Well?!?!”

Meanwhile, a number of computer security experts have expressed a deeper concern: They say Hillary left her State Department emails vulnerable to hackers.

They were right to be worried. Thanks to the notorious hacker collective SLAM (Still Living at Mom’s), we’ve obtained a number of Hillary’s emails from her years at State.

 

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]; [email protected]; [email protected]; leader@Saudi Arabia.gov; [email protected].

Your request for more weaponry and foreign aid is certainly not unreasonable. Oh, and on a totally unrelated subject, I — I mean, the Clinton Foundation — accepts cash, credit, check or money order.

 

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]

No, I don’t care to see your NCAA brackets. I DO care to see what you want to do about Syria, Libya, Russia, the Ukraine, Yemen, North Korea, Somalia, Iran, Iraq, Venezuela . . . Oh, forget it, sport. Is Valerie in today?

 

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]

Hey, Christopher! You say you need more security in Benghazi? We’ll get right on it. LOL!

 

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]

I told you to turn down Anthony Weiner’s marriage proposal, remember? But did you listen to your boss? No.

That’s okay. I didn’t listen to my friends either.

You asked how you should talk to your husband about his lewd selfies. I always found a lamp thrown high and tight worked wonders. 🙂

 

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]

How the heck should I know if your elbow is too high on your backswing?! I’m trying to get some work done over here.

 

From: [email protected]
To: (Name Withheld)@state.gov

No! I did NOT see that “nifty” new column in Vanity Fair from Monica Lewinsky.

P.S. You’re fired.

 

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]

After a 14-hour flight from Cairo, I no longer consider your offer to massage my neck “creepy.” Throw in a foot massage?

 

 

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]

Really, Bill. It’s 10 PM and you’re asking, “Do you want me to order Chinese or pizza?” At this point, WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE?!

 

Thus far, Hillary Clinton has refused comment on the validity of the SLAM emails.  (Most likely because we made them up.)

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