Have you ever played volleyball? If you have, I’ll bet you’ve lost at least one point by letting the ball hit the floor between you and the player next to you, because both of you thought the other one was going to return it.

There’s a lesson there for handling conflict.

I’ll bet you’ve heard yourself saying one or both of these to yourself at one time or another:

“She did this to me. It’s up to her to come to me and apologize!”

“Look, I know I did him wrong, but I’m not about to go groveling and asking forgiveness!”

It’s like the volleyball game: Who’s got the ball? Who goes first? Jesus had some striking things to say about that.

Who’s Got the Ball?

In Matthew 5:23-24, He taught us what to do when we’ve hurt someone else: “So if you are offering your gift at the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.”

That answers the question, right? It’s clear: If you’ve hurt someone, you’ve got the ball. It’s up to you to take initiative to go get the hurt resolved.

So I guess that means if you’re the one who got hurt, you’re off the hook. You can wait and let them go first, right?

Wrong.

In Matthew 18:15, Jesus said, “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother.”

It’s your responsibility to go first, even if you’re the one who got hurt!

I’ve never been on a properly coached volleyball team, so I don’t know how real volleyball players make sure the ball never just drops between players. I do know the best answer for casual volleyball players: Play the ball! Don’t wait for the other player to go first.

The same goes for those times when someone has hurt you, or when you’ve done something wrong to someone else. Both of you have got the ball.

And did you notice what Jesus said should happen when we we take initiative? The outcome you’re working toward isn’t, “You have really put your brother in his place!” The goal is to “be reconciled to your brother,” so at the end “You have gained your brother.”

Following Jesus’ teaching, the goal is always the same: restoration. Reconciliation. Brotherhood.

The Players and the Coach

Now, there’s a third passage in the New Testament that takes this even further. Galatians 6:1 says, “Brethren, if a man is overtaken in any trespass, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Look to yourself, lest you too be tempted.”

Who’s responsible now? Not the one who was hurt, not the one who did the hurting. It’s someone who wasn’t even involved, a teammate of the one who was hurt and the one who did the hurting. He wasn’t involved, but Paul tells him to step in and do what it takes to bring about restoration.

You might be that teammate. If you see someone hurting someone else, you can’t just assume it’s up to them to resolve it. Of course this isn’t about being a busybody, or holier-than-thou. Stepping in to help means just that: being there to help. It takes humility, it takes wisdom, and it certainly requires reliance on the Holy Spirit’s guidance.

Restore, As Much As You Can

No dropped balls, no waiting for the other person to make the first play, and no hitting back against each other: That’s the way your team wins.

Once again the purpose is to restore. It’s amazing how exactly the same themes show up here again. When there’s a problem between two people, no one, not even the third party who wasn’t involved, can say, “It’s the other person’s turn to go first.” And there’s never any hitting back; instead, the goal is to restore and reconcile, at least as far as you possibly can.

There’s some quick and pithy advice on that last point, too, in Romans 12:17-18: “Repay no one evil for evil, but take thought for what is noble in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends upon you, live peaceably with all.” You can only do what you can do, but whatever you can do, you certainly should.

No dropped balls, no waiting for the other person to make the first play, and no hitting back against each other: That’s the way your team wins.