The road to the White House went through a Texas roadhouse last night with a debate that made a barroom brawl look like tea at George and Barbara Bush’s.

Actually, it wasn’t a debate. It was a honky tonk jukebox full of Hank Jr., a stockyard rodeo replete with lots of bull, the Alamo with Telemundo’s Maria Celeste Arras in the role of Santa Ana.

It was the kind of night a once proud cable news network was reduced to a whimper; an audience member’s constant shrieks caused more ear damage than a Metallica concert; and Dennis Rodman was referenced more than Vladimir Putin.

It was the kind of night where the great and dignified surgeon Dr. Ben Carson begged, “Can somebody please attack me?”

It was the kind of night where Presidential candidates stood in front of a giant hot dog and America’s biggest political ham got sliced up by his two main rivals.

Cuban Combo Delivers a One-Two Punch

Marco Rubio and Ted Cruz, both desperate to make it a two-man race, tag-teamed front-runner Donald Trump from the opening bell.

Rubio, in particular, seemed to get under Trump’s skin with a barrage of attacks and ridicule.

On health care, Rubio masterfully demonstrated that when it comes to details Trump is, as they say down here, “all hat, no cattle.” With a boyish glee not unlike a kid dropping a frog down the bully’s back, Rubio repeatedly mocked Trump for repeating himself. “I do not repeat myself. I do not repeat myself,” replied Trump. Uh, yes you did, yes you did. The audience roared with laughter. It’s no small matter getting an audience to laugh at Trump.

Rubio, not that you could hear it over the din, also made hay of the fact that Mr. “Gonna Bring Jobs Back from Mexico and China” manufactures his own tie and clothes line in Mexico and China. “So you’re gonna be starting a trade war against your own ties and suits,” said Rubio. (Full disclosure: I own one of Trump’s ties and a shirt. Had Macy’s not cut and run from the man I’d likely own more. I don’t own the Trump board game.)

Here’s a Guy

Trump and Rubio played their own game, called “Here’s a guy.” It was just one step above “Yo Mamma.” Trump said, “Here’s a guy” who sold a house at $200,000 profit to a “lobbyist … and then legislation is passed.”

“Here’s a guy that inherited $200 million,” Rubio responded, “If he hadn’t inherited $200 million, you know where Donald Trump would be right now? Selling watches in Manhattan.”  Within minutes, Rubio’s online store was “selling” broken Trump watches … “As seen on TV.”

Rubio also slammed Trump for having brought in 1000 workers from Poland rather than hire American workers, and for hiring illegal immigrants. When Trump again mentioned the wall he wants to build on the border, Rubio pounced. “If you build the wall like you did Trump Tower, you’ll probably use illegal labor.”

While Rubio was firing away at Trump like Kevin Costner in Silverado, Cruz took on the cool, deliberate Scott Glenn role. He would quote Trump’s own words, “Yes or no. Did you not say … .” He articulated how Trump’s donations to the Clinton Foundation and legal struggles over the Trump University could play out during the campaign.

They did agree on one thing. When Trump said he knows politicians “better than you do,” Cruz responded, “I believe it. I believe you know politicians much better than I do, because for 40 years, you’ve been funding liberal Democratic politicians.” Indeed, Cruz repeatedly made mention of Trumps campaign contributions to the likes of Harry Reid, John Kerr and Hillary Clinton, arguing that the billionaire’s past and eagerness to deal made it hard to trust he would fight for conservative principles.

And he brought up a certain cross-dressing basketball star. “When I was fighting against the ‘gang of eight’ amnesty bill, where was Donald? He was firing Dennis Rodman on Celebrity Apprentice.“ 

Trump’s response to all the Marco Rubio-Ted Cruz attacks can be summarized in his one comment: “This guy is a choke artist and this guy is a liar.”

CNN Was LOL Bad

Had Wolf Blitzer headed strait for a shot of whiskey after the debate who would have blamed him? It was brutal. Blitzer had about as much chance riding herd on these guys as Barney Fife would riding a bucking bronco. His repeated “You all agreed to the rules” was about as useless as one of Obama’s red lines. Wolf didn’t know whether to cut to a commercial or cry uncle.

Telemundo co-sponsored the debate along with CNN. (But surprisingly, not with WWE.) Telemundo’s Maria Celeste Arras talked about Mexican immigrants, the Canadian border being more at risk than the Mexican border, Puerto Rico. She talked and talked. She talked more than actual candidate Ben Carson.

Salem radio host Hugh Hewitt got smacked when asking Trump a question. “First of all,” said Trump, “Very few people listen to your radio show.” Fact check: Hewitt has 1.5 million listeners, if facts are going to matter.

Trump

Donald Trump, the prohibitive favorite, the man leading the pack, the man who usually adores attention, seemed befuddled at the attention he was getting. “Every single question comes to me?” he asked at one point. “I know I’m here for the ratings, but it’s a little bit ridiculous.”

Silly us, we thought you were there because you were running to be the President of the United States of America.

However, if he was there for entertainment, Trump did have a line for the ages. When asked about former Mexican President Vincente Fox’s vow earlier Thursday that “I’m not going to pay for that [f-bomb] wall,” Trump replied, “The wall just got 10 feet higher.”

It was Liam Neelson in Taken: “You come to this country, take advantage of the system and think because we are tolerant that we are weak and helpless. Your arrogance offends me. And for that the rate just went up 10%.”

It was that kind of night.

The End of the Debate Didn’t Stop the Fighting

After the bloody debate, all involved needed triage, not political analysis. But the fighting continued. Trump, after telling CNN the only reason the IRS is auditing him is because he is a “strong Christian,” declared that Rubio’s glands make him unfit for high office. “He’s pouring sweat,” Trump said. “We need someone who doesn’t sweat.”

On CBS This Morning, Rubio called Trump a “con artist … wholly unprepared to be President,” adding that he wasn’t about to turn over “the nuclear codes of the United States to an erratic individual and the conservative movement to someone who has spend a career sticking it to working people.”

Trump’s response was quick:

Lightweight Marco Rubio was working hard last night. The problem is, he is a choker, and once a choker, always a choker! Mr. Meltdown.

— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) February 26, 2016

Lost in the slugfest and mudslinging is a remarkable fact. Last night on that stage you had two sons of immigrants, the son of a single mother, the son of a mailman and, well, a son-of-a-gun. It’s Texas. A gun had to be involved somewhere.

 

The Washington Post offers a full, annotated transcript here. Not surprisingly, the notation (CROSSTALK) is found 30 times in the transcript.