The GOP Debate: Ten Guys Walk Onto a Stage…

A lighter look at Thursday night's Republican presidential debate.

By Al Perrotta Published on August 7, 2015

It’s fitting Thursday’s prime time GOP debate occurred on Jon Stewart’s final night on The Daily Show. It had all the one liners, many laughs and almost as many critiques of Republicans.

The night also had Donald Trump. Any dreams that Trump would strive to look presidential now seem as ridiculous as expecting Jon Stewart to sign on as Ted Cruz’s speechwriter. The debate had hardly begun before Trump went after moderator Megyn Kelly like she was Marla Maples’ divorce lawyer.

That divorce, of course, gave Trump a chance for a third wedding. Thursday night, we learned Hillary Clinton “had no choice” but to be at that wedding because Trump had given the Clinton Foundation money.

Earlier, Kentucky Sen. Rand Paul had tried using those donations against “The Donald.” When Trump refused to rule out an independent third-party run, Paul said the billionaire was already “hedging his bets on the Clintons” because he’s “used to buying politicians.” Later, former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee and Ohio Gov. John Kasich jokingly (we hope) said they’d take a check from Trump. It was unclear if they hoped to be bought or merely rented.

That’s a joke. Huckabee wouldn’t take money from Trump … unless it was for playing bass at Trump’s next wedding. Huckabee himself launched his usual array of zingers, including one at the end directed at Trump. Or so it appeared:

It seems like this election has been a whole lot on a person who has been very high in the polls, who doesn’t have a clue about how to govern, a person who has been filled with scandals and could not lead. And of course, I’m talking about Hillary Clinton.

Trump laughed … like he laughs all the way to the bank.

The former Fox News host also scored a direct shot at President Barack Obama.

“Ronald Reagan said ‘trust but verify,’” Huckabee said. “President Obama is ‘trust but vilify. He trusts our enemies and vilifies everyone who disagrees with him.”

In case you didn’t know, Mr. Trump, vilifying everyone who disagrees with you is a bad thing.

Speaking of memos to the candidates, here’s a bit of free advice to Rand Paul: Never try trading blows with guys from New Jersey or New York. They know jabs and barbs the way folks in Kentucky know horses and bourbon.

First, Paul got into it with New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie over NSA data collection.

Christie told Paul that when you are sitting on a Senate subcommittee “you can blow hot air about stuff like that.” Paul countered with what he thought was a knock-out punch. “I know you gave Obama a big hug and if you want to give him another one you go right ahead!”  Christie ate that up faster than a slice of Seaside Heights pizza. “You know the hugs that I remember are the hugs I gave to the families who lost their people on September 11th.”

Paul got it from the other side of the Hudson a few minutes later. He jumped on Trump for his answer about single-payer health care, ignoring that Trump had just said he was no longer for it. “I don’t think you heard me,” snapped Trump. “You’re having a hard time tonight.”

Having a hard time getting heard for much of the night was the soft-spoken Dr. Ben Carson. However, he finished strong, with a powerful statement on race and then a humorous closing:

I haven’t said anything about me being the only one to do anything, so let’s try that. I’m the only one to separate Siamese twins. The only one to operate on babies while they were still in the mother’s womb, and the only one to take out half of a brain. Though, you’d think that if you’ve gone to Washington, someone had beaten me to it.

The debate did help us fill our brains with trivial facts. We learned that John Kasich’s father was a mailman. Twice. We learned that Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker “listened to the American people” in changing his opinion on immigration. This is different, we assume, from looking at polls. We learned that former Florida Gov. Jeb Bush was dubbed “Veto Corleone.”  Apparently he hopes to make America an offer it can’t refuse. He also says he “earned the name Jeb.” How do you earn your own name? It must be a Common Core thing.

Speaking of Common Core, while Florida Sen. Marco Rubio did differ from Jeb Bush, he wisely resisted offers to directly take on his friend and former mentor. I wonder, did Veto Corleone ever teach Marco to keep his friends close and his political enemies closer?

Not only did The Godfather make an appearance at the debate, so did God. At least in the form of a fascinating final question:  “Have you received any special word from God on what to do?”

Yes, said Texas Sen. Ted Cruz, “I am blessed to receive a word from God every day in reading the Scriptures.” Scott Walker said, “God hasn’t given me a list, a Ten Commandments, if you will, of things to act on the first day. What God calls us to do is follow his will.”

Marco Rubio called on the Lord to cap the night with one of the evening’s best lines: “God has blessed the Republican party with some very good candidates. The Democrats can’t even find one.”

After watching two hours of debate, you could almost hear not God, but the ghost of W.C. Fields. “Never share a stage with children, animals or Donald Trump.” There’s a reason he’s a reality TV star.

So, did Trump win the debate? No, say the focus groups and Fox News pundits. He had about twice the air time as the other fellow candidates, but he did not win. In fact, the fellow who might have won the debate isn’t a fellow.

During the debate Fox News showed two clips from the earlier undercard forum. One was the clip of Rick Perry saying he wanted Carly Fiorina to negotiate the deal with Iran. The other was of Carly Fiorina blasting an answer into Lake Erie. Fiorina owned the “Happy Hour” debate — or as Megyn Kelly put it, she “unleashed a can” — and here she was crashing the prime time party.

At the end, ten men stood on the stage. You have to wonder if, through the handshakes and hearty cheers, they could hear the sound of high heels click-clacking quickly behind them.

 

Here is an annotated transcript of Thursday night’s debate, courtesy of The Washington Post.

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