From Prodigal to Pastor’s Wife

If you’ve been following The Stream for any length of time, you’ve probably noticed that we’ve regularly been featuring messages from Shane Idleman, the pastor of Westside Christian Fellowship in Southern California. In this 80-minute message, his wife, Morgan shares her testimony with the youth of her church. From a former high school wild child who ran away from home, experienced sexual abuse, and then took a journey through pornography to an acting career — and then encountering Jesus, getting married, and becoming a mother of five, Morgan shares from the heart about her regrets in life and the faithfulness of God. Break out the tissue box; this is moving.

The last 27 minutes of this video consists of a Q and A session with the kids.

Editor’s Note: The transcript that follows was automatically generated and lightly edited, so please be aware there could be typos or other small errors. The Stream is working toward a transcription service that does fast, accurate, and reliable work; thank you in advance for your patience!

00:00:00:05 – 00:00:10:22
Just because you’re shooting pieces down in your race.

00:00:11:00 – 00:00:26:20
We believe in the God who answers prayer and the God who will listen to the cries of his people. So with that said, my beautiful wife, 20 years.

00:00:26:22 – 00:00:37:01
I never. I never thought I’d say 20 years, 20 years ago. It does fly by. So I’m going to take my seat. So here’s a microphone on.

00:00:37:03 – 00:01:01:13
I think so is it good? Sound good? Okay. Hi. Role reversal here right now. That’s kind of funny. Okay. Thanks. Worship team. I don’t know about you guys. I just, I shouldn’t wear mascara, I guess because worship just. That’s where God meets me. And then the last two songs are two of my favorites. And, you know, never once.

00:01:01:13 – 00:01:14:20
We’ve never walked alone. Ever. Even when you don’t know he’s there, even when you don’t see him, you don’t feel him. You’re not alone. And then no one’s ever cared for me like Jesus. I just.

00:01:14:22 – 00:01:43:10
So let me get it together real quick. All right. We’ll just get into it. So I’m Morgan. Hello. I was born in Missouri, the youngest of three on Christmas Eve. So my siblings really loved that. I’m sure. Yeah, I kind of look like Maddie. So, anyway. Yeah. So that was me. I was a spunky, bossy little thing.

00:01:43:12 – 00:01:49:05
If any of you have ever worked with Kylie in children’s ministry.

00:01:49:06 – 00:02:10:23
I think there’s another picture with a little bit of a spunk. Yeah, there she is. I remind you of Kylie. Anyway, my mom was married to an abusive alcoholic, and so she eventually left. We were in Missouri. Like I said, she left, and, kind of fled to California when I was one, so. Grew up here.

00:02:11:00 – 00:02:31:13
My dad died when I was four, and so she was single mom raising three kids. Just working, hard to provide for us. And so it was great as far as my little world was concerned. I would skate all day long and, that was my favorite thing to do. So, anyway, she remarried when I was ten.

00:02:31:13 – 00:02:53:23
And so my dad, who I just call dad because there’s never been anything step about him. He’s just he came in and took us up and never looked back. And there’s times that he most certainly would have wanted to run. I’m sure we gave him a run for his money, but, this is going to be hard. I’m just saying.

00:02:54:01 – 00:03:16:22
So anyway. And then I got also another bonus brother. So I still kept my position as baby of the family, and I had no problem with that. I was raised Catholic, and so we went to Catholic Church every week. For quite a while, and then I’ll switch gears later. But overall, had a great childhood. Those early years.

00:03:17:00 – 00:03:29:22
Then I got into junior high was magnet kids all over the place there, scattered through. And so I started.

00:03:30:00 – 00:03:52:01
I started getting into trouble. I will tell you guys, friends matter, okay? In no way am I blaming my friends. And no way am I saying it was their fault for anything that I ever did. But I will tell you, God’s Word has something to say about choosing your friends wisely. So I brought you a few. I brought you a few verses.

00:03:52:01 – 00:04:29:12
You guys, if you want to look up later, because this is really important for you. Junior high school and high end and high schoolers. First Corinthians 1533. Proverbs 1320 and then Proverbs 1226. So I was, I just made a lot of bad choices and so got myself in predicaments that, went along with bad choices. And so anyway, I’m not going to go into details there, but at one point I was, at a friend’s house at a sleepover, and her dad decided that he wanted to, you know, do stuff.

00:04:29:12 – 00:04:50:04
And so he did. And so, that kind of set the pace going forward for the next two years of what I thought relationships were supposed to look like and what the things were supposed to happen. Later was introduced to pornography, and that took a whole nother, thing of its own as far as, okay, this is just what is the norm and what is supposed to happen.

00:04:50:04 – 00:05:18:02
And so, without going into a ton of detail, I just ended up in places I shouldn’t have been, saw things I shouldn’t have seen, and things I shouldn’t have done. All the things. And so looking back, it’s amazing to see how God, you can take that picture down, how just faithful God is and how, he protects us when when his name is not even in our mind like we haven’t.

00:05:18:04 – 00:05:36:15
You know, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. So I hadn’t even considered. I mean, I knew God like I knew, you know, we we went to Catholic church. I knew that there was God and that there’s Jesus didn’t mean anything to my little self at the time. And so he absolutely protected me. At 14, I ran away.

00:05:36:16 – 00:05:54:22
I am so sorry if apologized profusely to my parents, for a stupid thing. Like I said, I had a great, amazing set of parents and again, I really wish that I had had friends at that time who would have said, wake up, idiot. Like what? You have amazing parents. Why are you putting them through all these things?

00:05:54:22 – 00:06:21:06
You know. But but that’s not how it panned out. And so, so I did that, got into more trouble. Somehow the Lord protected me through it all, so I’m very grateful. So, yes, high school. So I kind of turned around as far as not making terrible decisions like, like getting in trouble type of decisions. I was still living in sin in different areas, but, I started getting good grades.

00:06:21:08 – 00:06:39:07
Things were great at home. I represented my school, I think my junior and senior year for a program called Presidential Classroom. I don’t think it’s around anymore, but I went to Washington, DC, thought, I want to be a congresswoman and got to have meetings and, you know, all the fun things that they do there and then decided that is not what I want to do.

00:06:39:09 – 00:07:00:15
So, I was doing pretty good. Didn’t really drink, didn’t do drugs. I had a two siblings that did, and I saw enough to see that I didn’t want to be involved in that. So the Lord spared me in that way. But I hung out with people who did make those choices. And so again, you know, things come along with that.

00:07:00:15 – 00:07:20:22
So anyway, I turned 18 my senior year of high school, and so then I’m an adult, and then I don’t have to go to church anymore because I’m so big and grown that I can make all my own decisions. And I know everything and. Yeah, sure smacked me. But you didn’t. And so I said, you know what?

00:07:20:22 – 00:07:43:14
I’m just going to stop. I don’t really like that church, so I’m just not going to go to church. And more and not very long before I graduate high school, I was working, at a office supply store, and, someone walked in and was talking and I was discovered, as they would say, in Hollywood. And she was like, you know, here’s all the things that I can do for you.

00:07:43:14 – 00:07:54:00
And we’re going to, you know, blah, blah. And she has this great, amazing career planned out for me. And I was like, that sounds awesome. You know, I used to think, oh, that would be fun to get into acting. I never really did it because I was a kid, didn’t know how to know what to do and all that.

00:07:54:00 – 00:08:13:22
So anyway, in walks this lady. And then the day after I graduated with my very first job in Hollywood as an extra, still. Oh yeah, that was my headshot for quite a while. Where’s Jodie? Jodie, do you remember back when they were black and white movies? A long time ago? Now all these things are, like, in color, which makes way more sense.

00:08:13:22 – 00:08:34:22
But anyway, so I got into acting, the day after I graduated. Like I said, I got a job that led to a stand in job. So, Gabe, you can relate to when you stand up here for Shane and they’re doing the cameras so Shane can be doing all of whatever he needs to do. That’s what I did, for a short period of time, and it earned me my SAG card, which you have to have to do anything in Hollywood.

00:08:34:22 – 00:09:00:03
So, eventually the acting bug bit and I said, there’s no going back. There’s nothing else I’m ever going to do. People were like, what’s your plan B? What’s your fallback? I’m like, you don’t understand. Like, this is the plan. There’s no deviation. It was just me and no GPS. You guys are so lucky that we have gaps now, because me and LA freeways and a whole lot of wrong turns.

00:09:00:03 – 00:09:21:08
And that was fun. I’m not good with a map. It was. Yeah. Anyway, so yeah, I was just going full force and started seeing little things open. Do you guys want to know a couple funny stories or should I just like, oh, other. Okay, so the funniest one I already. I was auditioning for a fight scene in a movie.

00:09:21:10 – 00:09:39:17
And so I get there and they’re like showing me the sequence. And so I’m like, okay, I can do that. I can do that. So I obviously want the job. So I’m like going to go full force. So they’re there, you know here’s the sequence whatever. So the director gets up and I’m like pretend fighting with him. And I go and I just like connect right to his jaw.

00:09:39:18 – 00:10:08:08
And I was like, oh, I’ll see myself out. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. And it was hard because I was aiming to win. So anyway, two days later, get a phone call. I actually got the job, which is by so. That’s was just kind of funny. And then another story. So I did a and this is not I’m only sharing this to give you a laugh.

00:10:08:08 – 00:10:34:12
Like, you guys know, this is not about me. This is all about him. It’s going to weave into me getting saved. And eventually I become a pastor’s wife. So hang in there with me. But just for fun. So I did a spark. Let’s water like print ad. So the people who pay for spark water when they got their monthly bill, the print ad would come in that bill and it was great, you know, fine, modest and everything was amazing.

00:10:34:14 – 00:10:57:20
And so like two weeks later, I opened the mail and I, I see it and I’m like, that’s so cool. Look. Mom looked and then like, where’s all my freckles? Oh. My freckles just airbrushed away like they’re everywhere. Okay a lot. And I’m like, which one of you all decided freckles aren’t pretty? Who wanted to take those away?

00:10:57:22 – 00:11:18:05
Right? I was little, like, But it dawned on me, you know, all the magazine is there. Even still magazines? Like, I don’t know, when I was this age, there’s magazines. And so that’s what we compared ourselves to this day and age. I think it’s more like Instagram and, you know, the filters and everything. You see all these girls with filters on and you’re like, they’re so perfect.

00:11:18:05 – 00:11:50:14
They’re so this there’s so that it’s a shame they’re all airbrushed. They’re all filtered. I realized in that moment like, oh, it’s all fake, it’s all fake. So don’t be comparing yourselves, ladies to anything because it’s not real. And. And then men don’t hold your women to that standard because it’s a false reality. Okay. Are we clear? We’re clear I know it, but yeah, just it was a and you get all kinds of comments that, I’m not ask me later.

00:11:50:18 – 00:12:18:20
I can share some more stories. So anyway, but it does cause insecurity. You know, I got a complex about a few different things that, people make comments about or whatever. And so then going forward, that’s, that’s in your mind. But it can be a dark and, brutal industry. So I yeah. However, I continued on, I had no moral compass at the time.

00:12:18:22 – 00:12:43:12
So I did work on projects that I would not choose to do again. But, again, the Lord protected. It could have been a lot worse. And so anyway, so now weaving into that basket again, somewhere in there, not too long after I remember I turned 18, in high school, stopped going to church. So maybe about six months later, I think it was I was driving down the street, actually down Avenue.

00:12:43:12 – 00:13:04:02
I like coming yeah, coming down Avenue. I and this thought just entered my head like, it’s not that I don’t like God. I just really don’t like that church that we were going to. Maybe I should find another church like, maybe I should. Okay, so I went to church one Sunday just all by myself. Just showed up at a church I’d never even been to.

00:13:04:04 – 00:13:33:07
And it was it was good. But I just knew that I. Okay, I think I’ll maybe try a few other ones and see what happens. So ended up, landed a church in town, and, a lady who recognized that I was new kind of took me under her wing and started mentoring me. And then not long after that, I was actually at a Gregori, service down in Costa mesa, and he was preaching, and it was like God was stirring and working.

00:13:33:07 – 00:13:58:05
My hands, hands were sweaty and clammy and like, he just picked me up in one fell swoop and said, let’s go, girl, you’re mine. Now. I’m like, yes, I’m yours. Let’s go. And so I’m just so thankful. Looking back, like, you just are in awe sometimes. Like how he saved a wretch like me. I’m telling you, it was just it was unbelievable to me that I hadn’t done too much.

00:13:58:05 – 00:14:20:09
They hadn’t gone too far. They hadn’t ruined everything to the point where a savior wouldn’t reject me. You know what I mean? So anyway, from that point on, there is no looking back. And that was I was 18, so it was a really long time ago. So anyway, but old habits die hard. I was being sanctified day by day, week by week, year by year, still, even now.

00:14:20:11 – 00:14:42:07
And so yeah, had a lot to learn for sure. In that time, Shane and I actually I was going to the gym and Shane was a manager there, so I had seen him around. I had heard his name around because I knew some of the employees. And so I always heard like, oh, we got to get our numbers in to Shane or this or that, so I know who he was.

00:14:42:07 – 00:14:55:12
But. So anyway, one day he asked me out on a date and I was like, yeah, sure. So we go and then there’s just nothing. We were like. Thanks for the free dinner.

00:14:55:13 – 00:15:14:22
Have a good life. He felt this and he’s laughing because he’s the same thing. It was very mutual. Like we were both like, well, by and so. But God’s timing, I’m telling you, watch for God’s timing. Because if we had if we had gotten together at that point, it would have been a train wreck, like it would’ve been so bad, it just would have fell apart.

00:15:14:22 – 00:15:38:01
So it wasn’t God’s timing yet, which is super important. So anyway, I’m still let me cross that off, Shane. So, I’m still, you know, pursuing Hollywood. Jesus pursuing me. I’m getting more and more convicted about things that I’m doing there and different parts and everything, and so. But I’m still not. Yeah, I’m still a brand new baby Christian.

00:15:38:01 – 00:16:04:09
So I’m like, I don’t know that it’s conviction quite yet. It’s just it just is what it is. So anyway, I end up getting engaged to not Shane and, moved to Kansas and so I will tell you, it was comical watching me shovel snow up a driveway to get to work. Not my jam. Was not happy with that.

00:16:04:09 – 00:16:20:20
So I was like, I don’t like it here. But I was engaged in it, you know, and and it started, we started good enough. I just was not the right. It just was not the right one. Everyone knew it. My pastor at the time was like, if you need a plane ticket home, you call me. And I’m like, okay, that was my fault.

00:16:20:21 – 00:16:44:09
Sure, that my first clue. But anyway, so, I didn’t know how to get quite know how to get out of it, but I knew like this. This is not. It’s not right. So in Kansas, I. How are we on time? Okay, so I get a phone call at my weddings. I get a phone call at three in the morning.

00:16:44:11 – 00:16:59:09
And, you know, it’s never a good thing if you have a ringing phone at three in the morning. So it was my mom and she.

00:16:59:11 – 00:17:05:01

00:17:05:03 – 00:17:40:18
She called to tell me that my oldest brother, Justin, had died that day, earlier in the day, but she had found out later, and he was killed by a drunk driver. He was actually in the car, so he obviously made a bad choice to do that, but, Sorry. So, I think it was at that point that Romans 828 became my personal, one of my personal favorite verses and really my life verse.

00:17:40:19 – 00:18:01:15
We know that all things work together for good to those who are called according to his purpose. And so it got me home when I don’t know that I would have otherwise ever left Kansas, and would have been a whole different trajectory of how my life went. So. So I came home to be with the family, called all that off.

00:18:01:17 – 00:18:28:15
You know. Obviously having a brother die is horrendous. And our actions affect others. So when that girl decided drink and drive, it affected so much more than just her own life. But, what made the sting a little bit worse is that he and I weren’t on good terms. And so the last time I saw him before that, wasn’t wasn’t good.

00:18:28:17 – 00:18:48:21
And the time before that wasn’t either, actually. And so I would, you know, give anything to go back and just figure that out and make things right. And whatever was going on, it was just, you know, and you just never know. You just never know. So keep short accounts, kids. I know your parents probably hound you about sibling rivalry.

00:18:48:23 – 00:19:09:15
That’s not only for their sanity. But it’s because they know. I mean, like that someone could leave to go to school and not come back. Someone could leave for the store and not come back. And so, try to get along, and then really, you actually have a higher authority even than your parents telling you to get along.

00:19:09:15 – 00:19:31:13
You have the word of God that tells you as much as it’s up to you live peaceably with all men. And so that includes your siblings. And it doesn’t matter. You can’t control how other people react. You can’t control how they respond. You can’t control what they’re going to do, or if they’re going to be nice, but you can control you and that’s what the word tells us to do, is to take care of, to, for us to do the right things.

00:19:31:13 – 00:19:59:06
And so that’s my encouragement. Don’t make the mistake I did of, letting someone go. And they didn’t know how I really felt about them. And I know siblings are annoying. I get it, my brother was very annoying. I’m just going to say it. But anyway, so, a couple years after that, I think it was the Lord really dealt on me, in me with forgiveness and not saying bitter.

00:19:59:08 – 00:20:18:12
So the girl driving survived. That’s how it usually goes. Is they? The intoxicated person usually makes it and the other person doesn’t. And so I just had been, you know, a little bitter. She didn’t even get jail time. We didn’t even know when the court case was. So we don’t get to go and stand up for anything.

00:20:18:14 – 00:20:39:00
And so, you know, that kind of messes with you. And I’m so thankful because I was a baby. I think that happened. I had been a Christian. That happened two years later. So I really could have walked the complete opposite way. And the Lord stayed the course with me, like, so good, such a good father. So he.

00:20:39:02 – 00:21:00:05
Yeah. So I was dealing with forgiveness and I was like, okay, Lord, I forgive like I do. I’m free. And then not long after that, somehow I don’t even remember. Maybe the the it’s foggy, but somehow I found out where this girl worked here in town, and it was like, okay, do you really forgive? Let’s see some action.

00:21:00:05 – 00:21:03:06
And I’m like.

00:21:03:08 – 00:21:25:13
So that took a little I’m like, okay, I’m going to do it. So I went into her work one day and saw her, you know, I saw the name tag. So I knew who she was before she knew who I was. And she sat there for a minute like, that is a girl. I killed my brother. Wow. So I was like, okay, Lord, I forget we got this.

00:21:25:15 – 00:21:57:18
You’re here with me. I can do it. Hopefully my prayer was that would bring freedom to her. And so I walked up to her and said, hey, I just want to introduce myself. My name is Morgan. I’m Justin sister, and she goes, Justin, who? And that moment I had to decide all over again to forgive this woman. And by God’s grace, I didn’t punch her and face because I could have.

00:21:57:20 – 00:22:34:09
By God’s grace I said, well, do you happen to remember? I don’t even know what I said, but I reminded her very vividly who that was. And so we talked for like five minutes. She was very standoffish, but I just told her about Jesus, told her about the church I went to, invited her, said, you know, there’s you don’t have to live with that guilt and shame and pain and all the things, and gave her a hug and then walked out to my car and like, sobbed, but again, forgiveness is not always as much, even for the other person as it is for us.

00:22:34:11 – 00:22:57:00
God’s word tells us to forgive, not not to tell them it’s okay. What they did is not okay. What she did. Or for anyone of you guys dealing with unforgiveness, it doesn’t make a clean slate for that person, but it frees you. I was much more free after that day and so make sure you are following God’s word to forgive.

00:22:57:02 – 00:23:16:23
Okay, so let me get out of there, please. So I’m still on my path of there is no other thing that is ever going to be a part of my life except for acting. And I’m going to do all these things. And here’s the thing on and I started there was a little bit of success, nothing huge, but there’s little, you know, little things that were popping up.

00:23:16:23 – 00:23:38:22
And I was looking for jobs. And I’m like, this is I mean, we’re get ready because I’m buying you a house or something. This is happening. I could feel it. It was. And but but I was growing closer to Jesus. And the Lord was like the Holy Spirit was just tugging and tugging. So finally I told my agent I was like, look, I was working with high schoolers at the time.

00:23:38:22 – 00:23:56:19
Not much has changed. I love you guys. So I was working with high schoolers and I remember talking to an older woman. I was like, what do you think? I’m kind of struggling here? Because what if I did? Like, what if my character on a soap opera was fine, like a waitress? You know, here’s your food. You know, my character isn’t compromising.

00:23:56:21 – 00:24:14:08
But then I’m telling the girls in my high school group, hey, you know, I’m going to be on whatever. Go watch it. And they’re watching all the other debauchery going on on the show. I’m like, I just can’t. I’m too convicted. I can’t do it. So I told the agent, don’t send me out for soaps. They’re like, okay, that’s weird.

00:24:14:08 – 00:24:34:19
She’s weird. They did not get me at all. Oh, it was so funny. Once I became a Christian. And then, you know, now it’s very prevalent. There’s, say LGBTQ and like, every show pretty much now. Right. I don’t know because I but I’m assuming so back then, it was more of a new thing. People were kind of testing the waters with that, I think.

00:24:34:19 – 00:24:55:06
And so they started wanting to cast people for those roles. And so I told my agent, not a chance. Don’t even send my headshot for that. And they’re like, they were not very happy, you know why? Because all they’re hearing is I’m losing you money. You’re not making money off of me. So, you know, I’m like, can we just stick to Colgate commercials?

00:24:55:08 – 00:25:14:18
So yeah. So they weren’t very happy about that. And it was hard, honestly, a lot of people, you know, we need we do need lights in that industry. We 100% do. But it was hard. You have to be a solid, strong Christian. And that was 20 years ago. I can’t even imagine now with the political, with everything going on now, it is hard.

00:25:14:18 – 00:25:35:08
So pray for the people. We have someone in this room who is in that industry as a cameraman, and I think a cameraman, all of a sudden lighting camera, one of us, so pray for him because it is a it is a dark industry. I mean, if the Hendricks brothers or the Chosen had been around back then, it might have turned out differently.

00:25:35:10 – 00:25:54:23
I could have I could have been okay with that. But anyway, so yeah, so I struck and then in this time, here’s, here’s the weaving again. But I’m just going to close out this chapter and then move on and stuff. Keep going back and forth. Eventually I knew Shane met Shane, got married, but it was all kind of a quick thing as far as this.

00:25:54:23 – 00:26:14:08
So I just felt like the Lord was saying, do you trust me? Can you walk away from it? And I was like, no, I cannot. I literally cannot do that. Like it had become an idol, if I’m honest. It was it was an idol. And I said, no, I’m not giving it up. Remember, this was the plan. This is what we’re doing.

00:26:14:08 – 00:26:36:07
Stick to the plan. God. Okay. And he said, you come wrestle me and I win. I love, love song 46. That song, come wrestle us and went because he wins every time. So I wrestled, he laughed, I wrestled more, he laughed. Finally he won. And I walked away and said, okay, I’m going to trust you was really hard.

00:26:36:07 – 00:26:57:18
I mean, I cried tears like, it’s that kind of silly looking back, like I actually cried. But anyway, so he won. I walked away from it. He opened up some cool doors to do some things for churches and girls conferences for a little bit, and that was super fun and I could feel good about it because I was doing something that was honoring him and bringing glory to him and had a purpose.

00:26:57:20 – 00:27:20:03
So anyway, you remember I was home from Kansas, and at that point I was just going to church. I’m like, no more relationships, no boys, nobody. Just me and Jesus. He’s my only one. He’s my everything. So I’m going to church, just living my best life, loving the Lord. And then Shane comes to church. Okay. And, so I was like, oh, hi.

00:27:20:03 – 00:27:36:17
Like, just didn’t think much of it. Like, oh, that’s cool. He’s in church. And so maybe, gosh, like two months later or something like we would say hi every week. And then a couple months later when that he was like, hey, you want to go? Because there’s the evening service. Like, you want to go get dinner after some.

00:27:36:17 – 00:27:48:16
Yeah. Just thinking. Yeah. We’re, you know, it’s a young adult group. We’re hanging out. We’re young adults. I think you were so young at all at that time.

00:27:48:18 – 00:28:06:15
I think I definitely was a young adult at that time. So. So I’m like, yeah. So we go to dinner and then we just end up talking forever. Like it was totally different than the last time we went to dinner. I was like, this is weird. And then my pastor’s wife one night was like, hey, have you met that guy?

00:28:06:15 – 00:28:28:01
I was like, I’ve met him. So I think three weeks and this is my favorite thing in the world. Three weeks in. We are going like in a caravan to the beach with the young adults group. And so it’s just he and I in the truck and we’re driving and we’re just talking and getting to know each other more.

00:28:28:01 – 00:28:38:11
It’s been like three weeks. And he’s like, so where do you see this going? And I’m like, go to the beach.

00:28:38:13 – 00:28:42:01
Like, oh.

00:28:42:03 – 00:29:01:04
I didn’t actually say that. I don’t know what I said, but it worked. Whatever, whatever I said. But yeah. So he was 31. I was 21. He had been through a lot. He knew what he wanted. He was looking for a wife. I had to decide really quick if I was looking for a husband. Apparently, I was.

00:29:01:06 – 00:29:20:20
And it worked out. So we dated for seven months and let’s say we dated for seven months. Got married six months after that. So it’s pretty like once we knew it was pretty quick. But our, our dating season was a little tumultuous. We had a lot of break ups, I think for us, because I started well, he.

00:29:20:22 – 00:29:43:01
So he came in with a lot of baggage from his past. I came in with a lot of baggage from my past. Not only that, I was a very jealous person at that point. Like crippling jealousy from my past and from hearing, you know, I had a lot of male friends in junior high and high school, and they always like to say things about the girls walking by.

00:29:43:01 – 00:30:12:03
And so I knew how men thought about girls walking by. So it was ugly. It was really ugly. And then that between that and then being in Hollywood and super insecure, super jealous. And so, we broke up a couple times over that, a couple times over other things. And then at one point he just, prayed and the Lord said, you just prayer through it, use prayer through it, and then by God’s grace, like, I’m not even the same, he just completely took it away, like 100% took it away.

00:30:12:03 – 00:30:41:21
And it was, you remember? It was ugly. It was so ugly, so. So we did get married. We did decide. Yeah. Oh, look at us. We are so little. You never age. Why is that? That’s really not fair. So anyway, we we made the choice to remain pure in our relationship. We knew that we had done everything the wrong way.

00:30:41:21 – 00:31:01:12
We knew that we wanted God’s blessing, and we knew that we needed to do it differently and do it the right way. So by God’s grace, we were able to redeem that. And then, yeah. And then we got married and that first year was like, what’s the right word? Horrible.

00:31:01:14 – 00:31:17:11
Second guessing what we just did. I don’t know, you don’t realize. I mean, you say it all the time. You don’t realize how selfish you are until you get married. You know, you’re supposed to die to self. And all these. And we should be doing that in any relationship. Siblings, friends, teachers. You know, we should always be seeking to die to self and put others first.

00:31:17:13 – 00:31:44:22
But especially you get married, you take two sinners, you stick them in the same place and expect something good to come of it like it’s crazy. Marriage is crazy, but it’s amazing to. So we survived the first year. Praise the Lord! Saw. Okay, fun fact we’re polar opposites on everything like night owl, early bird, introvert, extrovert, healthy junk food.

00:31:45:00 – 00:32:03:10
I’ve learned a lot and I have grown so much. But I’m not. I’m a work in progress, but almost every I mean, what’s another? You name it, we’re probably opposites on it. So then that was you know, you’re you’re learning that balance. But we balance each other out for sure. It’s like a teeter totter. Like, okay, we got two more this way or two.

00:32:03:10 – 00:32:30:21
We got to figure out how to keep our self centered in the middle. So God is good. We’ve seen his faithfulness. We’ve had times of, you know, hardly any money. I’ll never forget we one of the kids. Oh, yeah. In there somewhere. We started having babies. I’ll talk about that. But somewhere, somewhere. Somewhere. You go tell that to the nursery workers.

00:32:30:23 – 00:33:00:12
I mean, I’ll stay here all night. I’m good. So I to say. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Oh, well, we were struggling financially, and I remember. This is going to sound crazy. Pacifiers, we call them binky’s. You know, for the baby, the plug. So, one of our kit. Well, few of them, but the kid that was having a binky at the time, we just they just kept turning up.

00:33:00:12 – 00:33:19:19
Missing, like, all the bink. Like we’re down to one binky, and she’s gone. She needs you. We’re never going to sleep. Well. And I’m like, I can’t go to the store and buy a binky. They’re $4. I can’t waste my money on a bit. Like I’m like, this was a very big stress for me. Like, I needed to go buy three of them and that would have been like $15.

00:33:19:19 – 00:33:52:09
And so it was just times of seeing, oh, more of the story. So then I prayed and then guess what started turning up under the couch and like in the other room, like all the pinkies just appeared after I prayed and like, you’re so good, you’re care about pinkies. I love it so he’s just so, so faithful. Or like one time I remember going to the dollar store and, you know, because we’re burning through savings, it’s just we’re trying to to be the best sellers we can.

00:33:52:09 – 00:34:10:04
So we go, I go to the dollar store and I’m shopping. I’m like, oh, this, this is, you know, I’m thinking, oh, the dollar store. I can get all the things here. I can’t go to target right now, but I can. So I get there. I’m like, well, 40 items later, it’s $40 at the dollars. So I remember putting up back and just leave my bags.

00:34:10:04 – 00:34:36:02
I can’t even shop at the dollar store. This is stupid like I I’m sorry guys. Like I just. But I wouldn’t trade it because now when someone comes and is struggling, I can say, hey, I’ve been there. God’s going to see you through. I’ve never once seen him fail. I didn’t always have what I wanted, like, but he’s never failed.

00:34:36:05 – 00:35:02:03
You know. So let’s see here. So yeah, we started having babies and our first baby. Oh. She was tough. She screamed all the time. She wanted a nurse around the clock. She never slept. Know, but look at her now. You made up for it. You’ve made up for it. But it was hard. And you don’t know crazy until you’re sleep deprived.

00:35:02:03 – 00:35:21:17
I mean, there was some really dark nights, like, really bad thoughts that went through my mind because I’m. Am I wrong? You’ve all thought it. You just don’t actually do it. That’s the thing. You don’t actually throw them out the window because that would be bad.

00:35:21:19 – 00:35:40:11
But I wouldn’t trade it because she’s amazing. But anyway, I say that to say like, so what was my point? Oh yeah. So I wanted to share a little bit about after I came to Christ to show you, like, you know, come to the Lord and then everything’s just perfect. There’s still trials, there’s still all the hardships, there’s still things.

00:35:40:16 – 00:35:57:23
But I would rather go through it with him when I have an anchor to hold on to when I would otherwise drown. Because let me tell you, I would otherwise drown. Like I’d be in a loony bin right now without Jesus, hands down. Especially today. Like, how are people getting through this crazy world right now without the Lord?

00:35:57:23 – 00:36:24:07
I, I actually like legit don’t even understand how someone can function right now. But anyway, so yes. So then we had another baby and he was like light and night and day from from the first. So I was like, whoa, that’s cool. And then the baby sleeps in the, you know, and well and then, but then she was the great big sister and God knows the order that they’re all supposed to come in.

00:36:24:07 – 00:36:48:06
So it was a beautiful thing. And then we had another one. But somewhere in there I started to struggle with identity because not it’s funny to say that today, but anyway, struggle with my identity in Christ, and you know what I mean? So hold on. I’m just going to walk myself out of that one.

00:36:48:07 – 00:37:16:00
So I started you remember when I got into acting, I had no need for school because, again, there was no plan B, so I stopped going to school. I had taken a few classes at the college, and then. So now here I am, a mom, a stay at home mom, and a wife, and that’s it. And I really struggle with that for a while because what does the world say?

00:37:16:00 – 00:37:38:11
The world says you should have a degree and you should be working and you should be, you know, you’re just a wife and you’re just a mom. And I really had to battle through that. And thank God that Shane. And I don’t even know what to say about that. Like what? How am I trying to work this always built me up and always said, you are doing exactly what you’re supposed to be doing.

00:37:38:16 – 00:37:41:10
This is where God has called you.

00:37:41:12 – 00:37:47:00
This is what you been.

00:37:47:02 – 00:38:06:05
This. This is what he’s called you to do. Might look different for someone else. I’m not. We’re not getting into that debate today because. Because we’re not. Because I said so when I’m done talking. But it doesn’t look the same for everyone. But I personally needed to hear this is what God called me to do, and this is what I need to be doing.

00:38:06:05 – 00:38:25:06
And so, you know, but it was still come every now and then. And I remember trying to just I remember when one time the Lord was dealing with me, I’m like, but I’m not successful and I’m not this. And I could have been, should have been, would have been. And were, you know, super pity party is just ugly.

00:38:25:06 – 00:38:34:10
It’s like a two year old throwing a tantrum, like, what is that? So I remember he’s saying,

00:38:34:12 – 00:39:03:08
You have to be careful how you define success, because you can still use your gifting and not be recognized for it doesn’t mean you’re not successful. You can be more successful using your gifting, having no recognition than you can sometimes the opposite. For instance, I will say I was the best Barbie player on the right. I mean, we had some scenes with our Barbies, right?

00:39:03:10 – 00:39:25:07
And you were the best director because this little five year old boss around. Okay, now you say this and then she’s going to say this, and then your Barbie is going to say this. And I’m like, I know how to make up lines for a Barbie. But anyway, I was using my gift of acting. It just was at home with a five year old with no audience.

00:39:25:09 – 00:39:43:03
But it didn’t matter. My point is, wherever God has called you to, you just do that to the best of your ability and you let him do the rest. And don’t look to the world for the definition of success. Don’t do it because you’re going to.

00:39:43:05 – 00:40:07:19
Because you’re going to come up short if we do so. And we had another baby and they called her big because I couldn’t, you know, pronounce their words very clearly. So she was back, and she was super sweet and we thought we were done. The funny thing is I was like, okay, I kind of worked out the whole idea, anything.

00:40:07:19 – 00:40:23:19
But I’m like, I only have ten more classes at the college to finish and have an A. If you die someday, if when you die someday, like, I need to have something, I don’t know, I just would really feel better if I had my AA degree at least. Right? Ten classes we can do. That’s like, yeah, go for it.

00:40:23:19 – 00:40:42:17
So I go to enroll. Oh wait. No, no backing up, backing up to the first kid. I go to enroll for class and then found out that I was pregnant and I got super duper sick, like, couldn’t couldn’t swing both of them. So I dropped out of the class. And then I think I skipped when I, when I had Shane, I don’t think I tried.

00:40:42:17 – 00:41:03:20
And then when I was having Gracie, I was like, hey, it’s a good time to take a class or two, let’s do it. So I go to do that and then I’m having Gracie. I’m like, just kidding. Never mind. Not time for school. Can’t do them both. Some people are like, amazing superwomen. I just could not do it to myself and put it all on my on me like that.

00:41:03:20 – 00:41:26:14
So okay. Maybe later. So then we have Gracie. She’s getting a little older. I’m like, perfect time to go to school for that. I want to take a guess. Kylie shows up four years later like we were done. We thought we were done. And then surprise! And I’m like, wow, okay, so but she’s a spunky little thing, isn’t she?

00:41:26:17 – 00:41:52:12
Oh my goodness. She’s like she. Yes. So anyway, so then we’re like for sure done like done as you can get done done done. And so so Aubrey is getting ready to start college while she’s she wanted to get her a while. She was in high school so she can graduate dual enrollment, all that stuff. And I’m like, hey, I only need a few more.

00:41:52:12 – 00:42:06:06
Like, would you be embarrassed she wasn’t even going on campus? I’m not. Send my 14 year old girl on campus. What is with the grown men? Sorry. So it was all going to be online, but I’m like, how would you feel about that? Was that where do you kind of need your own? Like, I should do a class with you.

00:42:06:06 – 00:42:15:13
She’s like, yeah, you should totally should do a class. And I’m like, sweet, let’s do it. We’re getting ready. I’m like, what classes should I take to?

00:42:15:15 – 00:42:34:08
Who wants to guess? Like, oh, baby shows up in my stomach. I’m like, that’s great. I’m never trying to go to school again. Never. Not going to happen. I’ll never get my age. You’re all witnesses. You’re all witnesses.

00:42:34:10 – 00:42:54:04
So, yeah. Fun fact real quick, Tim. So so we register. Aubrey is like, let’s let’s do health first. That’s easy. Dad’s health, like I can. I think that’s a good place to start. As a freshman in high school and a freshman in college. So she’s on. So we’re like looking at her and I’m like this little Bitmoji of someone going like.

00:42:54:06 – 00:43:14:12
And it said and it said bless. And I’m like, Aubrey, I bet your teachers are Christian because who what non-Christian teacher at a college is going to put a blast on there, right? So I’m like, I bet he is. So I look up his name. So I’m like totally stalking. Like trying to find like, who is this Tim Akerson?

00:43:14:14 – 00:43:34:23
And I see Amy come up and then there’s pictures of Amy and Tim. I’m like, I didn’t know them, but I knew like mutual friends or whatever. So I’d seen pictures. I’m like, Aubrey, your teachers are Christian. That’s amazing. So anyway, and then like a year later, she ends up coming and so that was a rabbit trail.

00:43:35:01 – 00:44:01:14
I don’t remember my point, but it’s all good. Just so that’s a fun story. That was super fun story, I love it. It was the Bitmoji. It was the Bitmoji. Yes. Just for the sake of time, I won’t go into it, but I don’t really, really, really bad with postpartum. So if anyone is dealing with postpartum or at some point does deal with postpartum, happy to talk to you because it is an ugly hard season.

00:44:01:16 – 00:44:21:02
But God is faithful and he will see you through. And I’m on the other side of that. Praise the Lord. So just a couple more things now I sound like Shane. It’s really going to be like another 20 minutes. So. You know, marriage is amazing and marriage is hard, and there’s good times and there’s bad times.

00:44:21:02 – 00:44:45:04
And so there is a time in our marriage where I and I hadn’t been in the word much, and I just kind of growing distant from the Lord. And so you can kind of get really apathetic. And that’s a scary place to be because you’re at a place where you just don’t care. Like, I just don’t care. I don’t care if I wake up, I don’t care, I don’t care about anything, nothing to care about.

00:44:45:06 – 00:45:08:16
And so I just spiraling kind of down that rabbit hole and, you know, on the verge of making decisions that would have changed everything and just, it was just a hard season. And so I remember talking, I remember telling the Lord like, I can’t hang on to you, but please don’t let me go. Please hang on.

00:45:08:21 – 00:45:30:21
Just don’t let me go. I can’t do it right now. I don’t have the strength. I still loved him. I just wasn’t intimate in, in, you know, intimate with him anymore. And. And walking with him as closely. And so I knew enough to know like no going back, no turning back. But how do I go forward? And I’m stuck.

00:45:30:23 – 00:45:57:18
And so that obviously affected the marriage. And I remember just wanting a divorce, honestly. And there was no grounds. There’s no biblical grounds. I was just I don’t like you. You I’m sure you don’t like me because I’m no, no fun to live with, right now. We just plain don’t like each other. And I want out. And the spirit, just that pesky Holy Spirit just wouldn’t let me do it.

00:45:57:18 – 00:46:16:02
And I’m, like, everyone else is getting divorced. Why can’t I get divorced? I really want to walk away. I really want to walk away. Nope. You’re not going to do that. There’s no biblical grounds. You can’t do it. Okay, Lord. Okay, fine. Then in that case, one of us has to go. And I don’t care if it’s him or me, but you’ve got to take someone, preferably me.

00:46:16:02 – 00:46:36:00
Because I would have been fine to be in heaven with my Savior. But that’s how bad it got. And you know, the human mind is like it can spiral down to some deep, dark places if we let it. Right. And the Bible says the heart is deceitful and desperately wicked, and I’m like, yes, Amen. I know full well it is.

00:46:36:02 – 00:46:55:15
And, but anytime God’s Word tells us to do something, it’s because we will have the ability, by his grace, to do it. So when he says, take your thoughts captive, it’s because you actually can. And so when you start letting your mind spiral out of control, you don’t have to follow that. You don’t have to to see where that ends.

00:46:55:15 – 00:47:21:09
You can actually take that thought and say, that is not of God. I’m choosing to dwell here. Whatever things are true and pure and lovely and noble and upright and praiseworthy and all those things. And so I’m not saying it’s easy because I’ve, I’ve. You ever spent like ten minutes just in your head thinking out a scenario that’s never actually going to happen, but in your head it’s going on and then you’re like, whoa, I wasted way too much of my day on that.

00:47:21:11 – 00:47:39:01
God, I’m not the only one. Okay, instead of doing that, we can actually take those thoughts captive. And so anyway, had to kind of open up to Shane and just tell him, hey, here’s what’s going on. Oh, yeah. Remember that one time I was like, we’re like, how would you rate the marriage? And he’s like, I eight.

00:47:39:01 – 00:48:11:06
And I’m like, marriage. Are you in? Like, I don’t understand how you’re saying a he’s like, well, what did you rate it? I was like three tops. He’s like, what? Like, sorry, I don’t know what to say, but that’s where I’m at. And so I just, you know, it’s a lot of work, but God is good. And if you are in a marriage where you feel stuck right now or it’s just but, you know, you lost that loving feeling and I know the songs play in my head, but if you’re there.

00:48:11:08 – 00:48:30:08
God is so faithful. And I’m not just up here saying that I’ve lived it like he’s so faithful and he is willing to meet you where you are if you’re willing to do the work you have to put in the work. You have to. You have to stay close to him and put in the work. So anyway, I will actually be done pretty soon.

00:48:30:08 – 00:48:43:14
So, eight years into our marriage, he had been. I married a construction worker, by the way, if you didn’t know that he was a construction worker.

00:48:43:16 – 00:49:07:20
Okay. Anyway, so I keep going here. Where was I so embarrassed right now? And so. Yeah, he ended up starting writing and speaking and doing all these different things. And it was, you know, come on. People were starting to talk about him being pastor, and he was like, nope, nope, nope, not going to do it. But the the calling of God is just you can’t run from it again.

00:49:07:20 – 00:49:27:15
You wrestle God, he wins. You might as well just give up. And so, he took our kids at the time. There’s three of them. They were five, three and one. And he took them. I’m sorry. He took a drive for, like, three hours, right? No, I took the kids. You stayed home? I took the kids, to, like, a a want a thing or something?

00:49:27:15 – 00:49:51:00
And he stayed home for three hours and just wrestled and wrestled. Wrestled. I got home and he said, okay, he’s telling me to be a pastor. I was like, okay, I’m all in. He’s like, he’s telling me we’re going to plant a church. I’m like, okay, I’m all in. Then like, oh, our kids are going to be like and then like, oh, I’m going to be a pastor’s wife.

00:49:51:02 – 00:50:16:10
Isn’t there like qualifications for that or something? Because I don’t got him, I can’t sing, I can’t play piano. I’m not a very good cook. I don’t I’m not a Bible teacher. I got nothing. I think there’s a bad mistake made. But here we are. And so 12 years later.

00:50:16:12 – 00:50:46:15
Honestly, it has brought more joy than I could have ever imagined. Like more joy than I could have ever imagined. And it’s also brought more heartache than I ever even knew was possible. It’s a lot. And so we’re thankful for your prayers. We love you guys like you are life to us. We love this congregation. Just the people who are now, the people who have been the people you know, who have moved on for various reasons.

00:50:46:17 – 00:51:05:10
You guys are our life and we are so thankful for you. And then there’s I mean, I don’t have time. I could give a whole testimony just on being in ministry, but that’s for another day. So anyway, just an encouragement. The wrong mistakes or the. Yes. Yeah, the mistakes you make, the turns, the wrong turns. We take.

00:51:05:12 – 00:51:34:14
God is faithful. Don’t do it on purpose. But he’s faithful and he can redeem anything. And he will protect you through times when you just don’t even realize that that’s what he’s doing. I wish I could go back and meet him sooner and serve him longer. So you young people ignite for online listeners, ignite is the name of our youth group, and we named it very intentionally because we want to ignite a desire in their hearts for Jesus.

00:51:34:14 – 00:52:14:12
I want to ignite a passion to serve him and to serve others. And so, if I can just just talk to you guys for a minute, you’re scattered. Right? Where are you guys? All. I see some of you. And in balcony, I see you. I know sometimes the temptation is because I’ve done this before, so sometimes the temptation would be to say, well, she turned out okay, so I’m going to, you know, she did everything that she wanted to when she was younger and made all the stupid choices and did all the things and what’s the big deal, right?

00:52:14:14 – 00:52:37:20
I’ll tell you what the big deal is. The big deal is you don’t want the memories that I have to live with you. You don’t want the regret that I’ve had to deal with you. I want the baggage that I’ve carried into my marriage and how to tell my husband things. And this testimony was a lot easier ten years ago, when I didn’t have three of my own teenagers sitting in the front row.

00:52:37:22 – 00:52:59:03
So do it different. Do a better. So thankful for our own kids who are leap years or light years. Or would it be very far, much farther than I was at your guys’s age and very proud of you.

00:52:59:05 – 00:53:09:21
No greater joy, honestly, no greater joy than to see you guys walking with. So, Yeah. Shane, if you want to come up, I was just going to say.

00:53:10:00 – 00:53:14:07
I think you should stay up here. Minute is good.

00:53:14:09 – 00:53:26:18
I was going to say the longer you walk with the Lord, the longer you see his track record. You see that he is faithful. He will never leave you. He will never forsake you. He will carry you through anything. Amen.

00:53:26:20 – 00:53:44:16
I mean, I think it might be good if we, you know, it’s it’s going to help some people. Maybe take a few questions if there’s anything on your heart. But I think it’s important, for you to understand with marriage and what she was opening up about, there were some tough seasons. And one of the things is, we are different.

00:53:44:19 – 00:53:52:02
I mean, a talker, not a talker. Spender saver. So everything.

00:53:52:04 – 00:53:59:05
Someone cleans up their sandwich mess. Someone doesn’t. I won’t say who’s who. Yeah.

00:53:59:07 – 00:54:19:09
And so, but just, I think growing more and more in love and having to have that hard conversation and and saying, I’m dying in this marriage. You know, it was last month, this just. But, many years, I think that was probably long time. Ten years, nine years. I don’t really know now, but to be honest, it’s it’s not going in good direction.

00:54:19:09 – 00:54:37:20
It wasn’t going in a good direction, really. My heart to what happens is when I read an eight, I mean, there’s food. I’m, my I’m working, you know, I’m working hard. I’m actually that would be my struggle. And what I learned a 24 hour fitness is I was a workaholic and I learned it from my dad seven days a week.

00:54:37:20 – 00:54:56:23
Boy, you don’t cry. You work hard and very hard and and, that’s. And when you carry that into the marriage, you know, women need that attention, that affection, the talking to where I could go live in a cabin for a week and not talk to anybody. And I’ve and without a I’ve done that I’ve go free. You know, I go to 3 or 4 days.

00:54:56:23 – 00:55:16:02
No internet, just water the Bible. And that’s my sweet spot. I’m just created that way. But she’s not. And so trying to, you know, she want to go the Caribbean. I want to go fly fishing. Let’s see. I have to find, Yeah. Balance. But it’s it is dying to self. And I think that was probably the hardest conversation.

00:55:16:04 – 00:55:39:12
You know, I remember I still remember where I was sitting and like, wow, okay. But you have to own it and then work on it on the enemy. And not only when you’re in ministry of the enemy or even if you’re not the enemy is planting seeds. I remember you even saw a demonic impression and, just butting heads and nobody, you know, in your marriage, you ever want to be the right one, you know?

00:55:39:12 – 00:56:02:13
And it’s just that it’s it’s it just it’s a sanctifying process. Yeah. If you submit to the work of the Holy Spirit and you just you just learn from it and realizing I’ve got a lot to learn. You know, that hard construction worker, you know, just that, that hard, rugged kind of country boy merit in marrying just the opposite.

00:56:02:15 – 00:56:23:21
And that really. And men, if you’re strong and a strong and domineering kind of in your work and workaholic, you’ll really push and stifle. Not on purpose. It’s just I’m a just a steamroller and I’m working hard and and pay. The bills are paid. And what do you want me to do? That’s not that’s not good. And so having that hard discussion, I think was really helpful.

00:56:23:23 – 00:56:28:16
And just saying I’m dying here and I want a divorce. If something doesn’t change.

00:56:28:22 – 00:56:31:11
I’m like.

00:56:31:13 – 00:56:49:08
Oh, well, that hit I don’t I don’t think I was expecting that. I thought everything was, you know, pretty. I mean, we just like she said, you irritate each other and don’t really like you right now. And, so just encouraging you that that can come into all marriages. It’s really what we do with that. Taking those thoughts captive, repenting and not well, here’s why.

00:56:49:08 – 00:57:07:09
And and getting in arguments and fights and pride gets in there. And really the man has to initiate. And I think if I said okay, what needs to happen, what do I need to do when and even once a year we have, you know, I need to be hugged more, I need it, we need it. Let’s go on dates.

00:57:07:10 – 00:57:11:06
I yeah, I love languages. Yeah. Everything. Everything.

00:57:11:06 – 00:57:28:16
So it’s it’s, But, and I just want to compliment her piano because she. I can’t play piano. I can’t Bible teach, I make it. That’s that’s not what’s important. Loving people being there. And I’m going to. I’m I’m I’m going to send out a testimony that someone sent us to the church. You didn’t know about it.

00:57:28:16 – 00:57:48:13
And I’m going to tell you because Paula said it to me. I have permission. And just incredible on what she’s been on the back end that you don’t see. And because when people aren’t seen, they can kind of feels depreciated, undervalued, and the enemy there can go. And planting the seeds. And it’s interesting, you know Hollywood and and that’s what she was looking for.

00:57:48:15 – 00:58:09:15
And and then God gave me something I wasn’t looking for. I don’t want the cameras and the complete opposite. Like, I don’t like cameras. I don’t like any of that. And so it’s interesting how that worked out. And then you forgot the story. I was hung over on the couch. I and I’m watching great American country.

00:58:09:17 – 00:58:17:13
You guys know with that, remember that station, George Jones and Travis Tritt and Faith Hill? I remember I said, I love Faith Hill’s music, but she thought.

00:58:17:18 – 00:58:18:20
Yeah, that went over that.

00:58:18:20 – 00:58:19:09
Would didn’t go over.

00:58:19:09 – 00:58:19:19
Well really.

00:58:19:19 – 00:58:42:11
Well. But anyway, so Morgan was on Craig Morgan’s first video. Something to write home about. And I’m sitting there going, Lord, why can’t I just meet someone like that? You know, of course not. The right motives. Right. And but long story short, over the course of, you know, many months and just meeting her at the gym and then at church because I was kind of watching her, she talking to guys.

00:58:42:11 – 00:58:56:09
Is she there for the wrong reasons? She’s, watching me. And what happened? We broke up a lot because we were looking for red flags. Like we just it any any my my mom and her mom was like, no, I think it’s fine.

00:58:56:12 – 00:59:11:06
So what? We had both messed up so much. We just wanted God’s will so badly and we didn’t want to miss it. And we were so afraid of missing it that we were driving our family friends crazy because they’re like, guys, you’re good. Like you’re fine. This is a good thing. And we’re like, there’s got to be a red flag somewhere.

00:59:11:09 – 00:59:13:19
And I think I broke up more. So I.

00:59:13:19 – 00:59:14:18
Think you broke up every time.

00:59:14:23 – 00:59:20:10
I broke. I broke up every time. So I know it’s hard to believe. Right. You say and.

00:59:20:10 – 00:59:21:19
Then your past and then, Sean.

00:59:21:22 – 00:59:41:05
My pastor at that time said, I need to talk with you, and I’ll get it goes. Basically, you’re being stupid. Make a decision. Stop messing with her. She’s going to be gone and you’re not going to know what you lost. And so I kind of really, because I was so fearful. You ever go through the pain of divorce?

00:59:41:07 – 00:59:45:08
It’s it’s very, very painful in my 20s and didn’t want to go there again.

00:59:45:14 – 01:00:02:04
And then and then another lady that I had been talking to, and I was like, I don’t, you know, just in that season of back and forth and she’s like, you don’t marry him. You’re going to regret it for the rest of your life. And I was like, oh, I understood this time.

01:00:02:06 – 01:00:21:05
And there was I didn’t catch on and there was very difficult season. So, you know, financially and up and down and, just not liking each other and working through that pride and different personalities colliding. And, but I think, God, the beauty about marriage is you can get stronger and it can get better as you, but you got to change.

01:00:21:05 – 01:00:39:16
You got to be willing to grow and say, I, you know, and I own it. I’m can be, you know, I’m that that that hard pusher type a and that’s not that’s not real healthy if you don’t stay humble and gracious and loving still a work in progress. But is there any questions out there that you maybe would help you?

01:00:39:18 – 01:00:51:13
With marriage or any other other questions that you might have that we can answer briefly? Just a real quick question, though.

01:00:51:15 – 01:01:15:14
Yeah. So I think because once you meet him and you know him, then you know when you are drifting, like he was just so sweet and so present in my life. And then, you know, I think it was even after we had the kids. And that’s a hard season. And you start, you know, you don’t have the time that you used to have to spend in the word.

01:01:15:14 – 01:01:32:11
You don’t have the time, to sit at his feet in his presence. And so it was just day after day after day, just the mundane things. And it was a while before I looked back and go, when’s the last time I even read my Bible? Like, when’s the last time I spent any actual quality time with Jesus?

01:01:32:13 – 01:01:37:08
And that’s when I realized this is not going to this is not going to go good if I don’t.

01:01:37:10 – 01:01:55:18
And it was hard because I can’t tell her that I would try, like, baby, you need to, you need to be. I’d watch the kids and so I don’t if you’re watching the kids, I need go shopping. I need to go target. Target. And so. But I couldn’t force it. But I saw it happening. I saw the decline happening.

01:01:55:19 – 01:02:14:20
I kind of felt guilty. Those maybe pushing her away and. And it just, But it’s a way toward the enemy wants to come in and and really, when you’re out of the word, out of worship and the sleep, I mean, I get to hand it to her. I had to get earplugs with the kids sometimes because I had to get up at five inches the morning, four in the morning, and work and pay the bills.

01:02:14:20 – 01:02:35:08
And it was really hard with the kids up all the time that sleep deprivation is real. And postpartum was. It was something I’m not used to. It’s like, no, there’s nothing you can do. Just please close the door and let me sleep for the day. And, you know, just got the enemies, the hormone levels and, try to help with the kids and changing diapers and all that good stuff.

01:02:35:08 – 01:02:41:10
But, yeah, it was a slow progression. But then I think you just made the decision and we pray with the heart.

01:02:41:12 – 01:02:51:14
Cry, cry. Prayer. Lord, I just, I feel like I can’t do anything. You got it. Please don’t let go. Please, please hold on to me. Give me back to where I was. And then it was, you know.

01:02:51:15 – 01:02:58:17
I was getting angry, so that wasn’t helping because I’m like, you know what to do? Just read the darn thing. Yeah, true. And apply it. But it was.

01:02:58:22 – 01:03:25:23
It was very healthy. It was really hard for me to sit down and look him in the eye and say, hey, I’m at a point where I’m about to make a bad decision in our marriage. That could affect everything and everybody. That’s embarrassing. That’s really hard. But it was necessary and it had to happen. And then from there it was the building block to start.

01:03:26:00 – 01:03:26:14
Yeah that’s.

01:03:26:14 – 01:03:48:23
True. That was, it was. Yeah. I mean never forget that day because you know you think everything’s good now here we go again. You know it’s back to the problems with the enemies working. Our own flesh is working and, and I have to take a more responsible because I wasn’t nurturing and loving. And how can I help you and listen and and, you know, I was just a hard working construction worker trying to pay the bills and driving.

01:03:48:23 – 01:03:55:21
Well, but at the same time, I’m not going to let you take all the fault because, oh, thank you. You know, it.

01:03:55:23 – 01:03:56:18
It was a mutual.

01:03:56:19 – 01:04:17:02
For sure. Yeah. It wasn’t it wasn’t all his fault. And then too, you know, sometimes you picture someone out in the ocean and they’re, you know, they’re going down instead of hand on a lifeboat or a life or a what’s it up to you? You throw an anchor that’s kind of, you know, he’s he’s working hard, providing for the family, doing everything he knows how to do.

01:04:17:05 – 01:04:29:16
We had kids at the he’s working hard and doing the things and instead of coming along being help mate, I’m like, there’s your anchor. Yeah. Drowned. So I could I could have done things the way.

01:04:29:21 – 01:04:45:04
And I would drive to work and almost in tears, like, Lord, I don’t know what else to do, I, I, you know, I can’t go through this again. Please. And just I think it just broke is the more so that’s why it’s easier to minister to people because you don’t look down upon you don’t. Well, how could you?

01:04:45:05 – 01:04:55:14
You’ve been there. You’ve been through the furnace of affliction. You’ve been hurt. You’ve been broken. You’ve been a destitute. You’ve been a, She didn’t share to I think it was at 14 and or should I maybe I should, yeah.

01:04:55:14 – 01:04:56:18
No, I think I was.

01:04:56:18 – 01:05:01:21
14 years old. That was a different situation. At 14.

01:05:01:22 – 01:05:03:02
Know you can.

01:05:03:04 – 01:05:23:21
She was 14. I think he was 24. And I still see the guy sometimes around town. Yeah, just last week I saw him in psych. The the the point was the pain that comes with the past. It’s not God honoring, you know, it hurts me. Her baggage. My baggage hurts her. And it’s just, it’s not a good place to go.

01:05:23:21 – 01:05:42:11
It’s always good to. You don’t need a powerful testimony. Your best testimony. I accepted Christ, Christ at 12, and I. I just stuck with it, you know, any other questions? Ignite.

01:05:42:12 – 01:05:53:02
So I we should set it up first, because it was already hard. The it was already going. In other words, there was a lot of fuel there for this. I think we’re out of town.

01:05:53:04 – 01:06:14:22
Yeah. We were. Yeah, we were out of town on vacation. Kids were young. I was actually before, I think it was right before we talked. We started the church somewhere in that vicinity. And yeah, it was a time when I was just on that downward spiral and I was, you know,

01:06:15:00 – 01:06:35:18
I don’t know how much. Yeah. Anyway, I, I, I, I probably at some point would have been unfaithful. And so, I just remember the Lord, I so we were, we were sleeping in separate rooms, I believe. Not because because of that, but it was like he needed the sleep and I had the baby and so it was like that type of a setup.

01:06:35:20 – 01:07:00:10
And I remember I’ve never even really shared this because it’s just crazy. But I remember, getting ready to go to bed. And I looked over and I just saw whatever the heck it was. And I, like, literally jumped, like, I don’t know what it was. I’m not going to say that it was something that was funky and and I was like, like it took my breath away and I just I was like, oh my gosh.

01:07:00:10 – 01:07:16:15
And Lord. And I was like, Lord, like Jesus. How? And he’s like, I’m trying to do something here. Don’t mess it up. And I know exactly what he was referring to, the ministry and my marriage and raising these kids for the Lord and all of that. And I was going in a very bad path, and he said, don’t you dare, girl.

01:07:16:15 – 01:07:19:14
Like, no, don’t mess it up. And so.

01:07:19:14 – 01:07:20:16
And I was learning.

01:07:20:16 – 01:07:21:15
Scared the heck out of me.

01:07:21:15 – 01:07:40:04
No, because we, we reflect what we see in our fathers. And I came from a angry home, you know, slamming doors. We were punching holes in walls of walls. We’re not in common. And so I don’t think I’ve ever done that, but I did when I was younger. But, so I would handle sometimes. So just get over it.

01:07:40:05 – 01:08:02:23
Change your thoughts. I mean, read the Bible, put on worship. What’s wrong with you? You know, and easy peasy. That’s not going to work. So I kind of pushed, you know, here’s the problem. Here’s how you fix it, you know, and getting angry and upset said, okay, I’ll kind of pray for you and come alongside. And so that was working in my heart to breaking me because when you think you got it all together and then things start to fall apart really humbles you.

01:08:03:01 – 01:08:15:20
It’s very difficult challenging anyone over here to. Yes, Bill. Oh, I don’t know where this one can go. When they stand up, you know you’re in trouble for standing up. I agree.

01:08:15:20 – 01:08:27:07
No you deserve oh my gosh.

01:08:27:09 – 01:08:31:17
Praise God.

01:08:31:19 – 01:08:33:19
That’s hard.

01:08:33:21 – 01:08:54:06
But you know thank you Bill. Because people don’t realize what goes on on the back end. They see what I do, but I could not do what I do. Had it. Has it not been for her? Helping keep everything together? So I know in heaven the rewards are the same for sure. And I think that’s why the enemy was attacking her in that area.

01:08:54:11 – 01:09:15:20
Imagine that. That would have decimated. There would be no church. Yeah, that was right before we planted the church of 2010. We are considering planting the church and I’ve never seen the kids get sicker. I mean, strep throat, foot and mouth disease. I’m just crying, praying for them like we are just getting hit. A sickness after sickness after sickness.

01:09:15:20 – 01:09:30:16
This is going down is one thing. That’s a demonic attack. It was very, very intense. Thank you Bill. Great great great great request.

01:09:30:18 – 01:09:36:14
Five kids, 16 down to two and a half.

01:09:36:16 – 01:09:48:13
Teens and toddlers. You can pray for us. Terry had one. Terry.

01:09:48:15 – 01:09:51:09

01:09:51:11 – 01:09:54:19
Yeah.

01:09:54:21 – 01:09:55:14
It’s bad.

01:09:55:16 – 01:09:58:10
It is hard. We we talked about it. She prayed. Oh, sorry.

01:09:58:14 – 01:09:59:19
I thought I was a talker.

01:09:59:21 – 01:10:17:17
You’re okay. But we also know it helps people and so I, I don’t even think I looked at your notes. We didn’t go over I didn’t say don’t say this, say this, don’t say this. Yeah. I have didn’t have any clue until tonight. What was she was going to say? But I think it’s good that people know that there’s not this is not a glorified position.

01:10:17:19 – 01:10:25:05
It’s it’s really God using broken people for this or this or this or this or this.

01:10:25:06 – 01:10:40:08
Yeah. And that was my prayer. Because the enemy does come in, you know, when you’re getting ready, you know, preparing to share testimony or this, that the enemy comes in and says, no one’s going to care. Why are you going to you know, just have a worship now. It’s not going to matter. But we know that God wastes nothing.

01:10:40:12 – 01:10:54:21
And so all the pain, all the heartache, all the joys, all the, the, the mountaintops, none of it’s wasted. And so we know that also the Lord says they overcome by the word of the house. It goes by the the word of the.

01:10:54:23 – 01:10:56:00
Testimony, the blood of.

01:10:56:00 – 01:11:07:16
The lamb. And so that was the prayer, like, Lord, just let it be a benefit to someone. Let someone get saved. Let someone know that they’ll make it through postpartum. Let someone know that marriage doesn’t have to end something, anything.

01:11:07:16 – 01:11:26:13
Jealousy. You know, you mentioned that it was so ugly. That was it was so bad. I probably wasn’t going to be able to move forward, you know, because it’s like, did you look at that girl? I have no clue what you’re, you know, and so but it’s good transparency because people struggle with that. She was real transparent once.

01:11:26:13 – 01:11:37:23
I love to tell this story. We’re we’re just got married and we’re going to this Bible study. I say that one. Yeah, certainly. Now. Yeah, we’re going to this Bible study.

01:11:38:01 – 01:11:38:18
Or we were deciding.

01:11:38:19 – 01:11:55:00
But we’re the science Bible. She goes, you know, I don’t think that one’s really good because the man hosting it and his wife, he she was really attractive guy, you know, and she’s, you know, and she was struggling coming out of the holly, you know, just like this this and like okay. Yeah. We’re not going to that one.

01:11:55:04 – 01:11:57:22
You.

01:11:58:00 – 01:12:07:20
So, I’ve seen him at this church a few times to.

01:12:07:22 – 01:12:15:02
That’s a funny thing, Olivia. But now you seem like I don’t know what I was thinking.

01:12:15:02 – 01:12:16:22
I don’t know what I was thinking by far. Like.

01:12:17:00 – 01:12:18:23
Thank you. All right.

01:12:19:01 – 01:12:25:23
Yes. He’s put up with a lot.

01:12:26:00 – 01:12:31:15
I think that’s why it wasn’t a good idea the first time around. The first time when we had that one day that I had told you about a year and a.

01:12:31:15 – 01:12:32:22
Half before we met.

01:12:33:00 – 01:12:48:17
Yeah. We he he had. I was a baby Christian. That point he had just come to the Lord. So it just would have been a real mess. That’s why God’s timing is so important. Just. And if you’re single, still enjoy it. Enjoy it. Just you and him, like you and Jesus. But.

01:12:48:17 – 01:13:02:03
But to answer your question, we were looking at the red flags of. I was watching her sincerity and worship and what she really because like she said, I’m like, where do you see this going? You know, we’re dating for three because I’m not I’m not if you’re see this just oh, I just wanna have fun for a year.

01:13:02:03 – 01:13:02:18
I’m out of here.

01:13:02:22 – 01:13:03:12
Yeah.

01:13:03:14 – 01:13:25:12
So, you know, I was so we didn’t. We are looking for big red flags, sexual morality, flirting, anger, probably, and addictions. And and so there weren’t any red flags. We’re both kind of growing with the Lord together. Really kind of the same spot. And then that, that equally yoked. I think in one of my books, we have lists of questions that really helped us.

01:13:25:14 – 01:13:35:23
I mean, from who takes out the trash to how do you celebrate holidays, to where do you celebrate? I mean, we we wow, we’re really different homeschooling, private school, public school, charter school.

01:13:36:01 – 01:13:38:06
And I was never going to homeschool.

01:13:38:08 – 01:13:38:17
Never.

01:13:38:18 – 01:13:44:09
This one graduates next year. She’s never been to anything but the school in our home.

01:13:44:11 – 01:13:48:01
That I mean, I’m not saying it’s better or worse, I’m just saying it.

01:13:48:01 – 01:13:49:20
Shock of a lifetime. Like, oh.

01:13:50:01 – 01:13:50:11
Yeah, we need.

01:13:50:12 – 01:13:52:15
Kids forever for homeschooling.

01:13:52:17 – 01:14:01:05
And so that hope that answers your question. We were both going along, and looking for red flags and equally yoked in that area, too.

01:14:01:05 – 01:14:21:11
But the second part, how important is it is vital. Vital I would tell I would tell anyone, run for your life, you all. I actually love this. I don’t I don’t know if you made up or you guys are from someone, but follow heart after Christ and see who keeps up. If you’re in the word, if you’re in church, if you’re serving, if you’re loving the Lord and you’re, you know, all these things and some.

01:14:21:12 – 01:14:31:02
Yeah, cute girl or boy comes along who’s not don’t even give them a second. Don’t even give them a second.

01:14:31:04 – 01:14:44:19
And we’re transparent, you know, we’re, we’re we’re transparent with each other. We know, you know, I don’t counsel women, you know, and I there’s I just don’t build relationships with with.

01:14:44:19 – 01:15:02:04
Yeah. I actually thought I remember at the gym. So because you would be working out sometimes and, like I knew who it was. So I walk by, you know, expect like a a smile and a nod or like, hey, you know, like, he wouldn’t even look at me. I was like, whatever. Like, you just were so focused.

01:15:02:06 – 01:15:20:03
But that’s amazing. That’s how God designed you. Oh, yeah. And then back to when I was super jealous. I meant to say it was never. Can you give me a reason like you? Right. It was something they always did. Everything actually, to where I should have felt the opposite and felt so secure. But that was a stronghold.

01:15:20:03 – 01:15:26:02
That was a stronghold because she knew how guys think. I know how you’re thinking like that’s true. If my mind goes there but.

01:15:26:04 – 01:15:32:01
You didn’t walk by and you’re not thinking anything, come on. I know what men think. Like, that’s that’s what was in my head. Like.

01:15:32:03 – 01:15:50:11
Every day was painful. But, so bad, actually, I was up on the aqueduct on 70th Street West. And maybe I’ll talk about this Sunday with the Lord speaks to you. And I felt this deep impression, the like, you know, it’s like you stick with her and you help her through this. It was like, oh, okay, done deal.

01:15:50:11 – 01:16:02:17
And the story and eventually it it’s amazing because we’re it was it was it would not be healthy. We would we wouldn’t have work and God just totally, totally just took that away. Brant, you had a quick question.

01:16:02:19 – 01:16:10:02
Yeah. Well, I just want to thank you one for your leadership, but mostly so when you guys love all of us, you.

01:16:10:06 – 01:16:14:21
Know, praise God. Thank you guys.

01:16:14:23 – 01:16:18:06
Thank you. Ram.

01:16:18:08 – 01:16:32:04
For the courage you have to leveling in front of us. Yeah. When we’re doing things that we what I realize we’re doing, it’s not because us, you know, so it’s the leadership, but also the people that come to this church and so.

01:16:32:06 – 01:16:58:19
Well, thank you so much. I just read in my Bible, Brant led us first night of worship 20 15th October. Yeah, I think so. Let’s go. But I think through God breaking us and what we went through, you can you can actually be nicer to people. You can understand they’re their brokenness and their needs and their desires because you’ve been there and you can really relate, to things.

01:16:58:19 – 01:17:05:19
So.

01:17:05:21 – 01:17:15:21
Compromise, compromise, compromise. Yeah. I mean, she one big thing she wants to do is go visit Chip and Joanna and Waco, Texas. So. Well, let’s get the whole story.

01:17:16:02 – 01:17:32:02
So story. Hold on. We have to give the whole story. When we got married, I was thinking I had never been to, like, you know, somewhere tropical, like Bahamas. I’m like, duh, that’s where you take a honeymoon. He’s like, how about mammoth? And I was like, I’m. I’ve also never been there, I guess, where you can go to mammoth.

01:17:32:05 – 01:17:52:22
So September we’re having our 20 year anniversary. I’m like 20 year anniversary. We’re doing something big. That’s a big anniversary. Well, I don’t want to go fly somewhere, get stuck on a, an island that I can’t get back because, yeah, Covid, because of the C-word. And so I’m like, well, that’s out. We can’t do that. Next best thing.

01:17:52:22 – 01:17:57:04
Let’s go to Waco.

01:17:57:06 – 01:18:02:07
So that that’s actually coming up until next week because we’re flying out.

01:18:02:09 – 01:18:07:12
Because he got married to Dallas. So we’re like, how far is Dallas from Waco? Two hours. Sweet.

01:18:07:14 – 01:18:23:13
So I’ll be a portion of that. But I think that answer your question is, to how do you make that work? Is, compromise? Isn’t marriage not negotiation, but compromise. It’s, you know, what do you what do you want? Like the whole she brought the whole.

01:18:23:14 – 01:18:23:22
Thing to.

01:18:23:22 – 01:18:41:08
Self, you know, the whole food things. Pretty interesting because I come from the health and fitness background. She comes from Captain Crunch and to trying to meet those. Sounds good. So, yeah. Yeah, you just have to compromise. And it’s not about me. It’s not. You know, if it were me, I’d be up in a cabin fly fishing away.

01:18:41:08 – 01:18:42:14
No. No communication.

01:18:42:14 – 01:19:05:11
Just do timing. Love, June. Like, now. Like, hands down like that. So was a good choice. Okay. But, compromise and then dying to self. And it’s also just realizing, like the, the purpose of marriage is to glorify the Lord and be an example of Christ and, and, his church and the bride. And so when you have that focus, you know, it’s not about me, it’s not about you.

01:19:05:11 – 01:19:21:11
It’s it’s about him. So then it’s easier, at least a little easier to go. Okay. I can put my needs last. Put your needs first. And you really want to be a reflection to the culture of why would you want a godly marriage? Here’s why.

01:19:21:13 – 01:19:32:19
And you can’t just. It’s easy to say it, but, I mean, we actually have to try to do. Oh, yeah, for sure. You know, that’s the key. Any last questions? It’s all hands.

01:19:32:21 – 01:19:36:12
What’s up? Because good parenting to a little.

01:19:36:13 – 01:19:41:08
It’s up to you. Yeah. Thank you.

01:19:41:10 – 01:19:50:00
Yeah. I don’t like to share my age because people are like, oh, you know, I mean, our age now, it doesn’t matter. But 21, I’m 30 was like, what’s going on here?

01:19:50:02 – 01:19:52:11
That’s probably the lowest you can go if.

01:19:52:11 – 01:19:53:23
I push that envelope.

01:19:54:01 – 01:20:09:21
Oh, when we were when I showed them the pictures of the, you know, when I was like this on the car or whatever, he’s like. Yeah, he’s probably like, what did you say? I was probably only graduating high school or something like that. I was like, that’s weird.

01:20:09:23 – 01:20:10:10
But.

01:20:10:12 – 01:20:12:20
You know. Anyway,

01:20:12:22 – 01:20:14:01
Greg, I.

01:20:14:03 – 01:20:22:16
Had a question. Kevin, I know you have one now. Okay.

01:20:22:18 – 01:20:25:04
That’s a good idea. Like, what would.

01:20:25:04 – 01:20:28:01
It be, like, another ten years from now?

01:20:28:03 – 01:20:29:22
Oh, no more nuggets, I think.

01:20:30:00 – 01:20:32:20
Yeah. Ministry. We could do, like, a ministry Q&A sometime.

01:20:32:20 – 01:20:51:10
Yeah, a podcast or something. That’d be a good a good idea. Good. Yeah. Good question or good? Good comment.

01:20:51:12 – 01:20:53:05
Pieces on it. Right.