For Parts 1, 2, 3 and 4, see here: How Kasich Can Win, How Ben Carson Can Win, How Bush Can Win and How Rubio Can Win).

Look, Ted, I really, really like you. But that should worry you, since I’m not fond of likeable people — with their smarmy affability and their winsome little grins. [Pauses, to retch.] I love curmudgeons, idealists, misanthropes, mystics and loners. But I don’t represent America. Like you, I came from a banged-up blue collar home and went on to be “that right-wing weirdo” at a limousine liberal Ivy League college full of trust-fund babies and randy feminist crew jocks. And I know how that personal history must tempt you to see people who don’t respond to your message and personality: With the same sneer that Coriolanus saved for the reeking plebes of Rome. (By the way, do watch Ralph Fiennes’ production of that underloved Shakespeare play. If it resonates with you as it did with me, that should alarm you.)

But as Coriolanus needed to learn, the populace must be wooed like a woman — and not a woman like your wife Heidi, who is brilliant, accomplished, and self-confident enough to appreciate your virtues. No, you need to romance America like those insecure, needy, and sentimental girls you never deigned to date. That means showing your soft side — even softening it if necessary.

Find Your Inner Child, and Make Him Cry

Continue to batter Donald Trump, a bully-boy whom voters know deserves it. Treat Rubio, Bush and Kasich like the final episodes of a once-promising TV series that has been canceled. But beyond that you need to tap into the pathos that each of us has, of which you gave us a glimmer during one debate. Specifically, and painfully, you should continue to speak of your late sister. You were genuinely wounded by what happened to her, by the way that she was lured by toxic elements of our culture into a self-destructive spiral. We all know and love someone like that, and each of us has made painful mistakes we wouldn’t want publicized. If you can find a genuine, personal way to convey to ordinary voters that your sister’s heart-breaking story — and your father’s story of grace and redemption — were defining moments for you, then you can break through the wall of antipathy which resulted from your stark stands for principle and gleaming, Brylcreemed hair.

Talk about true and false visions of freedom, the true kind that keeps petty tyrants at bay and leaves us to choose between grace and self-destruction — and the false brand that whispers in the ears of young people like your sister the same poison that blights our country’s ghettos and empties its cradles.