After Issuing Warning on Dangers of Raw Dough, CDC Recommends Canceling Christmas

“Eating or tasting unbaked products that are intended to be cooked, such as dough or batter, can make you sick,” the CDC tells us.

By Liberty McArtor Published on December 11, 2018

Have you heard? There’s urgent news from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

With most of the country in the throes of holiday preparation, the CDC, where Ebenezer Scrooge was recently appointed director, issued an important reminder over the weekend: “Say No to Raw Dough!”

“Eating or tasting unbaked products that are intended to be cooked, such as dough or batter, can make you sick,” the CDC tells us.

And it’s not just ingesting the dough that can be dangerous. “Children can get sick from handling or eating raw dough used for crafts or play clay, too.”

Yes, that’s right: just handling raw dough is a dire danger for the little ones.

As the federal agency, sometimes nicknamed “hall monitor” and “wet blanket,” informs oblivious masses of holiday bakers, raw eggs and even flour can carry germs like Salmonella and E. coli.

What’s to be done? Thankfully the media director of the CDC, known to some as the Grinch who stole Christmas, suggested some helpful tips.

1. Do Not Let The Kids Bake With Grandma

Stream Satire Logo - 360Yes, it’s a fun tradition that many Americans — in their ignorance — consider to be a safe familial bonding experience.

Not so.

Since kids can get sick just handling raw dough, they better steer clear of the kitchen while Grandma whips up her famous gingerbread cookies and prize-winning pies. Unless they have HAZMAT suits, the Grinch clarified.

But even in a HAZMAT suit, with their skin protected from the dangerous dough, the risk of contracting Salmonella poisoning alone could cause emotional scarring for children, the Grinch warned.

He recommended finding another tradition for Grandma’s house, like staring at one’s smartphone or iPad until dinner.

2. Just to be Safe, Keep Grandma Out of the Kitchen, Too

Since germs are the concern here, Grandma should avoid baking as well. After all, her immune system is likely weaker than it used to be.

As one source who spoke on the condition of anonymity put it, old people are less likely to follow new warnings. If Grandma grew up licking the beater, she’ll keep on licking the beater, regardless of what the CDC says.

Families can’t risk that kind of bad example for young kids, or that kind of health risk for their grandmas.

To be on the safe side, the CDC says baking — if you must bake this holiday season — should be limited to the Millennial generation. That is, people roughly between the ages of 18 and 40. They have the strongest immune systems, if not the greatest mental health.

But Millennials, helpless as they are, probably don’t even know how to bake, CDC Director Scrooge noted with a bah humbug. So your family may have to forgo baked goods, period.

3. Cancel Christmas

The best way to “steer clear of this temptation” is by avoiding Christmas altogether, the Grinch said.

With songs of the season encouraging listeners to “pass around the coffee and the pumpkin pie” and “bring us some figgy pudding,” the urge to don aprons and wield rolling pins will be too great. And once the baking commences, there’s no surefire way to guarantee bakers won’t sneak a pinch of dough or touch it with bare hands.

Conscientious Americans may agree not to bake any desserts at home to avoid the temptation to eat dough, but even that isn’t enough.

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As another source who spoke on the condition of anonymity commented, only the very privileged would consider buying baked goods as a safety precaution. Somewhere along the line, some marginalized worker had to touch raw flour and raw eggs in order to bake those cookies you see in the store, the source said.

Another big danger of celebrating Christmas is the drinking of eggnog, which, according to the CDC, is essentially a death wish.

With dangers like these, celebrating any holiday this season would be a reckless act.

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  • Kari Hale Davidson

    I don’t know how I have survived all these years!?!

  • Constitution Cat

    And cookie dough icecream goes to the garbage also. It is a wonder any of us are still alive because most of us grew up eating cookie dough – the best part of the cookie bakeing process.

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