Beginning to Win the Fight for Marriage in the Next Generation

I met Joseph and his family through church when he was young, and then later coached him in middle school football. He came from a strong Christian family where following Jesus was the top priority. Recently, he had graduated from a solid Christian university and was facing a major life choice. So I was grateful when he called me for advice. 

Armed with a quality liberal arts education, he was struggling to decide between various career paths and graduate school. About 10 minutes into our conversation, something began gnawing at me.

“How’s your girlfriend?” I interrupted. “Haven’t you been together a while now?” 

Joe said they had been dating for over two years and were doing well. “Do you love her?” I asked. Without hesitation, he said yes. 

“When you’re with her, do you feel like a better version of yourself?” 

“Yes.” 

“Does she help you grow in your faith?” 

“Yes.” 

“How does she get along with your family?” 

“Great,” Joe said, adding that despite normal family dynamics, she got along well with his parents and siblings. 

“And how do you get along with her parents?” 

“Very well.” 

At that point, I had to ask: “Why aren’t you engaged?”

A moment of silence followed. Then Joe’s response reflected the cultural mindset I’ve seen so often — a need to figure out his career and gain financial stability first. He worried it might be “too early” or that they were “too young.” Maybe more time would make things clearer. He didn’t mention FOMO (fear of missing out), but it was implied. 

The State of Marriage 

America’s marriage rates have been in freefall for decades. Today, 65% fewer people marry each year than in 1970. Much attention has been given to the decline among working-class Americans, but marriage has declined across the board — even among the college-educated. 

In 1970, nearly 90% of college-educated men and over 85% of college-educated women aged 30 to 50 were married. Today, that number is about 70% for both. The average age for first-time marriage has crept up to 30 — an age when a woman’s fertility typically starts to decline. 

Declining marriage rates are the primary driver of falling fertility rates. Fewer marriages mean fewer babies, which translates into school closures, crumbling infrastructure, and an impending demographic crisis. 

Programs supporting the elderly face insolvency, and euthanasia rates are climbing as the kinless elderly are encouraged to “exit gracefully.” 

A Cultural Shift 

I once spoke with a successful Christian couple, both graduates of elite universities, who generously support research on marriage and family. They believe in marriage — yet when their daughter started college, the mother advised her to skip dating and focus on her education and career first. 

That advice reflects a cultural shift. College is one of the few times when young people are surrounded by peers of similar age, values, and life goals — and they have more free time than they ever will again. Yet parents increasingly discourage dating during these formative years. 

We’ve let career ambitions overshadow marriage, even among those who value family and faith. 

Losing the Base 

I spent a decade in politics and public policy before founding Communio. A political analogy comes to mind: If a candidate starts losing large chunks of their base, they have no path to victory. 

That’s where we are with marriage. Even among strong Christians, the cultural narrative elevates career success over marriage — and we’re losing ground because of it. 

Pew Research shows that 86% of teenagers say having a meaningful career is extremely or very important, but only 36% say the same about getting married. 

Yet data shows that the happiest people in America aren’t those with successful careers or elite status — they are married mothers and fathers. 

Time to Change the Narrative 

I’m tired of losing. God designed us for lifelong relationships — and we don’t need to wait for a policy change to start turning the tide. 

We can start at home, in our own circles. A well-placed question and a gentle nudge can make a difference. 

When I spoke with Joe, I told him my wife and I got married with almost nothing. My first job barely covered the rent, but I still wouldn’t trade those early years for anything. 

I also joked that while my wife isn’t always thrilled to hear it, she could have married other men and been happy — and I probably could have married other women and been happy, too. That doesn’t change the fact that, apart from my faith in Jesus, my wife is the greatest gift in my life. 

Great marriages aren’t the result of finding “the one.” Christians have the Holy Spirit, prayer, and godly counsel to help us discern wisely. A healthy, thriving marriage takes commitment and growth — not perfection. 

Joe heard me out. Five weeks later, his father called. 

“You know Joe’s out looking for engagement rings, right?” he said, surprised. “He said your conversation really made him think.” 

Less than two years later, Joe landed a great job — and now he and his bride are expecting their first child. 

We can’t afford to lose this battle. The good news is, we don’t have to. We just need to remind young people that marriage isn’t a roadblock to success — it’s the path to the life God designed for us. 

J.P. De Gance is the founder and president of Communio, a nonprofit organization that equips churches to promote healthy relationships, marriages, and the family. He is coauthor of Endgame: The Church’s Strategic Move to Save Faith and Family in America.