Loving Jesus More Than My Homosexual Life
Growing up in a Christian home, I was taught biblical principles and the foundations of the Christian faith. We attended church regularly and the theological truths within many of the old hymns were etched on my heart from an early age. I asked Jesus to forgive my sin and come into my heart as a child and although I felt secure with my eternity, I lacked training in the development of an intimate relationship with Jesus.
Truth Became Twisted
While I was growing in my faith as a junior high student, naive and lacking wisdom, I enjoyed the attention of an older boy within our church youth group. The group would travel to other churches to give concerts and this young man would always save me a seat in the back of the bus for the ride home. It didn’t take long before he sexually molested me after one of the concerts. I didn’t understand what had happened and fear gripped my heart. Nothing was said to anyone about what happened, but I began to build a protective wall around my heart, never to be hurt again.
A few years later, the death of my best friend and the cancer diagnosis of my mother within five months of each other left me extremely wounded as a high school senior. I did what I had to, putting on the happy face to pretend all was well and yet, I felt so alone. A ministry leader within the community came to my rescue. She was my rock. She was my stability. She was my hope. And in my vegetative state of grief I did not realize she was also my next molester. She patiently groomed me for homosexuality throughout this time while I was numb with no direction in life. She made a plan for us to move out of state so she could go through a gender transition with the end result of us being “married” and together forever.
Life circumstances, coupled with the choices of others as well as choices I made, led me to walk away from those early biblical truths I had learned, instead believing a lie. Truth had become twisted. Black was now white and you could not change my mind!
Drawn to the Heart of God
Thankfully my Christian foundation eventually drove me back to the church. Although living the lie of homosexuality with someone who was transitioning, my heart knew we needed to have God be a part of our family life. But something was still missing. There was no peace, when she promised peace. There was no stability on the sinking sand of this civil union.
A prayer seminar at my church brought a woman of God who challenged us to read God’s Word, to stop when He spoke, and ask Him what He was saying through the verse where He stopped us. At first, I did it more out of curiosity, wondering if He would really do that for me. I found that the gentleness of a loving Heavenly Father was so amazing. He drew me to His side, showing me truth after truth, and revealing His character and how much He loved me. He did not point out the homosexuality and the situation that I was living in. Yet, as I began to develop a relationship with Him and fall in love with Him, my desires began to shift to the Truth.
My partner and I had been illegally “married” in the mid-1980s after she stated she was a male during a legal name change. As I continued to draw near to the heart of God, I saw His grace and enormous love for me unfold through His Word. My sin began to become vividly clear. There had to be a choice. Would I choose to stay in a false security with someone who claimed to love me? Or would I choose to follow Jesus, obeying Him as my love for Him grew? (1 John 5:3) The follow-through was not easy, yet, I had fallen deeply in love with Jesus and wanted to obey Him.
Finding Life and Healing
The children’s minister at my church became my first point of contact and release from the implosion that was about to burst inside of me. She loved me like Jesus, forgiving me for lying about who I was as I worked with her in ministry, and she encouraged me to continue to walk in obedience. There was no pressure — she just loved me and prayed for me. I realized what I needed to do and soon met with my pastor, who was also my boss because I was working at my church at the time. He too loved me like Jesus and allowed me to continue in my office position and encouraged me to stay connected to the church. I would need to back away from any ministry involvement, but he too, was a great encouragement in my walk of obedience.
The love that was shown was so tangible and was the beginning of launching my healing. That was 36 years ago and I’ve never looked back on it with regret. Choosing Jesus meant life. I pray others will truly seek after Jesus and find healing and meaning in life that only He can give.
My encouragement to you as parents, family members, and those leading children in any way:
- Teach your children about Jesus! Morning, noon, and night. (Deut. 6:4-9) Give them the solid foundation they need if they ever stray and need to come back to their faith. (Prov. 22:6)
- Stand firm, using the plumb line of the Truth from God’s Word. (2 Thes. 2:15) My parents did not cave and adjust their beliefs to accommodate my current situation. Your stability in Jesus Christ and His Word will give safety and a steady place to run to when they are ready. As you live and walk in His Word, love them as Jesus does — unconditionally yet unwavering in Truth! (Heb. 13:8)
- Pray, pray, and pray some more! There is healing and power in the name of Jesus! He alone is our hope. He is working when we cannot see it. Speak the Word over your loved one and believe God is big enough to do the seemingly impossible! And prepare for a party when they return! (Luke 15:10)
- Broken hearts will be bound up. Captives will be set free. Prisoners will be released from darkness. May God’s favor be poured out and mourning changed to dancing! (Isaiah 61:1)
Marilyn K. Snyder has recently released her first book, Untwisting Twisted Truth, which tells God’s story of grace and forgiveness in her life. You can find her book at: Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and Trilogy (TBN’s publishing branch). Marilyn has launched Healed Heart Ministries which seeks to be an encouragement to those caught in the LGBTQ lifestyle as well as parents still praying for their prodigals. You can find her at: www.HealedHeart.net — [email protected].