An Advent Plan for a Non-People Person

By John Zmirak Published on November 25, 2017

Advent begins next month. The “Christmas” season is already here. To high-energy, sanguine, chipper citizens who like to step in and improve others’ lives, the ever-earlier onset of the Season is a gift from the baby Jesus. Now they can start before Thanksgiving to make up the lists of “improving” presents they will shower on friends and family:

  • That diet book “you simply have to try.”
  • The supply of intestinal bacteria cookies that will “knock out your Crohn’s disease.”
  • That copy of St. John Paul II’s The Theology of the Body your twice-divorced aunt cannot live forever without.
  • The Spanx your sister really should be wearing if she insists on leaving the house.
  • The box of nicotine patches that could “add decades” to your aging dad’s life.

The bloated, front-loaded Season is also a pretext for endless gatherings of people who wouldn’t otherwise choose to congregate. Melancholic co-workers, and emotionally distant relatives. The parents of children’s schoolmates, and standoffish neighbors. Plus solitary bachelors who absolutely, at any cost, must be dragged from their odorous lairs to blink in the light. (“You’ll be alone on the Friday night before Christmas? Absolutely not. You will come to our Bobbing for Apples Soiree! We’ll be drinking cider and singing folk songs.”)

Suddenly public spaces begin to look creepily like those paintings of Hell by Thomas Kincade.


 

Stream Satire Logo - 360(At least, that’s what those fuzzy daubings of teddy bears and leering children suggest to me.) Everything flickers, shimmers, flashes, even moves. See those mechanical front yard dioramas where Santa endlessly cracks his whip over a team of hyped-up reindeer? In most displays, there isn’t the slightest hint of Mary, or Jesus. Not even in places that sport a menorah. Which at least serves as a reminder that all these glamorous portraits of the sacred Winter season have some faint origin in ancient desert events and a Semitic religion. We really are in for four long weeks of Santaclaustide, as Evelyn Waugh dubbed sacred winter in Love Among the Ruins.

Not all of this is a loss, of course. Some of us have a solitary bent and a naturally Augustinian suspicion of mankind. Especially when mankind shuffles forward and presents himself in groups. For us the snowing over of Christ’s-Mass, and the “real presence” of animatronic elves, presents a unique opportunity.

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Saying No to Santaclaustide

What if the Season that everyone else is celebrating were actually Christmas? If they were in fact excited by the advent of a Savior for their sins? (I’m keeping a list.) Then we misanthropes would have to find a way to celebrate it, at risk of blasphemy. It’s wrong to fast on Sundays. Just so, we’d feel religiously obligated to attend some of the parties, to pin on a grin, to pile up gifts for our friends to return, and even to wear together those clashing, unflattering colors, red and green.

All these glamorous portraits of the sacred Winter season have some faint origin in ancient desert events and a Semitic religion.

Happily, none of this is true. Advent is not a festive season. And it hasn’t even started yet. Still, the noisiest neighbors’ yards are already pullulating with colors, and radio stations are even now pumping out the treacly voices of Johnny Mathis and Paul Anka, reminding us of the deep cosmic meaning that underlies each icicle. So the feast — whatever it is — that everyone’s celebrating isn’t religious at all. We are perfectly free to absent ourselves, or dissent. It’s the moral equivalent of Basque Independence Day. We don’t have to wave the flag.

Scrooge Was Just Counter-Cultural

In fact, we can make good use of our real religious convictions, and fend off the social chairmen who pester us, with solidly principled objections to the festivities. We can tell ourselves we’re being “apostolic” and counter-cultural (when in fact we’re just feeling ornery) and check off a partial indulgence each time we refuse to indulge someone. Here’s a short list of ways that we misanthropes, cave-trolls, loners and pessimists can make Advent more bearable for ourselves, and instructive to others:

  • Refuse to decorate before December 24. Better yet, leave your scary Halloween stuff up all through Advent. Then keep your Christmas lights glowing till February 2, reminding everyone who asks that “Groundhog Day is an Americanist  travesty of Candlemas.”
  • When people say, “Happy Holidays,” respond by saying, “Happy Generic Meaningless Winterfest!” Then explain how the war on Christmas is part of a systematic attack by secularists on all of civil society. How it culminated in the HHS mandate. Nod solemnly as they back away.
  • When someone says “Merry Christmas” even five minutes before sunset on Dec. 24, remind them that “Advent is a season of penance, fasting and prayer, to remind us of the hopeless misery of the human condition that Christ came to rectify. For those who accept Him. But the path is straight, and narrow, and few do travel it.” Then smile and say “But hey, Merry Christmas!”
  • Disrupt attempts by the relatives you dislike to enforce your presence at all-day, child-crazy festivities of gift-opening, football or reruns of Meet the Parents. Instead drag them to the most traditional, distant liturgy you can hunt up. If there is a Latin Mass in driving distance, make some complaint about the missal used there. Insist on finding an Armenian Catholic or Syro-Malankaran rite to attend. So even the sermon will be in Foreign. Explain to one and all that this is what “real liturgy” is like.
  • If you must attend a festive Midnight Mass with the family, remind everyone you haven’t seen all year of the Church’s regulations concerning Confession before Communion. (If you’re Protestant, just quote St. Paul: “Wherefore whosoever shall eat the bread or drink the cup of the Lord unworthily, shall be guilty of the body and the blood of the Lord.”) Then ostentatiously refuse to receive it yourself, to point up the gravity of sacrilege. Kneel with eyes closed at the end of the pew, so all the pagans in your family have to climb over you.
  •  If you must play host to the family, insist on making this Christmas more authentic. No ham, no turkey, no stuffing. Just Middle Eastern foods like roasted goat. No “secularized” Christmas carols, either: just Melkite and Maronite hymns, or (as a concession) a Gregorian chant CD of the Christmas Mass, played over and over again. Pop in a DVD of The Passion of the Christ, reminding the wee ones, “This is the reason for the season.” Then go smoke your cigar on the porch.

You’ll have ample privacy soon to meditate on the Four Last Things, or finish reading that novel about the Apocalypse or demon possession. Next year, you’ll be left in peace.

 

This essay originally appeared, in a slightly different form, in the National Catholic Register in 2012. © 2017 EWTN News, Inc. It is reprinted by permission.

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  • Hmmm…

    I’m sure you had fun doing this …

  • Ineverleavecomments

    This made me smile. Then I noticed it’s from a pre-Trump/ pre-Francis world. That’s why it seems so cute!

    Then I thought about my friends who are (still) guilty of some of these martyrdom/ screwball activities in the name of Doing Christmas Correctly.

    We are in a different era now.

    We gotta build a bridge to these traditionalist weirdo (socialist?) friends…who i think are the ppl you’re talking about here. I don’t know how to do this but we have a few weeks. Please update this and give the world the Tradinista Guide to Santaclaustime.

  • Andrew Mason

    Happy Generic Meaningless Winterfest only works where it’s winter. For the southern part of the planet Christmas=summer. 🙂

  • Howard Rosenbaum

    Well, if you just ain’t the Scrooge who stole Christmas !
    What would we do w/out Santa & his little helpers at the mall? Who would collect the tickets for the tiny tots to take a turn or two on the “Christmas Express” ? Where would we be w/out the colorful reminders of the annual obligations expected of the “true believers” in all things magical. Oh the wonders of the season brought to us by the friendly folk at Visa, Master Charge & America Express ! Whats that ? They’re having a sale at the “Precious Memories” shop. Gotta go ……

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